"Coming Out" for Christ's sake

Trying to share (in written form) how I came to accept Jesus's gift of salvation is really hard when I'm NOT willing to share in what way He reached out to me. 

How He delivered Christ's Gospel to me was done with such meticulous love and care that I am in AWE of His gracious MERCY.

When I think back to that day, in that hotel room, I can't help but say "THANK YOU JESUS!!!"

 So, this blog is a "coming out" of sort, which shouldn't be a shock for those who personally know me.

"Surina, I perfectly love you!"

In order for me to SHARE Jesus honestly and to WALK boldly for Him I must COME OUT and "walk in the Light" of Who I say I serve, love and trust.

Jesus said: “If you love Me, keep My commandments."- John 14:15

I do love Him AND I want to keep His commandments.  

I want my words to match my actions.

After my last blog I realized that I couldn't continue writing and I couldn't boldly share Jesus because my WHOLE walk with Him always came down to ONE issue that I was trying to ignore: homosexuality. 

I believed that since I was no longer in that lifestyle it didn't need to be spoken about but I'm wrong because I'm hiding.  

In Christ there is no such thing as hiding. 

I never thought that I would share or need to share this part of my past so publicly and so much out of my control but because I am CHOOSING to walk closer with Jesus, He has brought this part of my life to the surface.

 

Okay! Here I go...

Homosexuality has been a part of me since childhood and I honestly can't believe that the strength of my whole walk with Jesus is hinged on whether or not to write about this ONE ISSUE but...  

OBEDIENCE is where I'm at in this journey.

My disobedience has been very destructive.  

Instead of pushing through the pain and writing about it I resorted back into my normal reaction of being very angry with God. I've been doing all sorts of good things and still He was sending me back. It wasn't fair. I distanced myself from Him hoping that somehow His peace would go with me but It didn't. 

I began to spiral into another deep depression. I isolated myself and reverted to self-harm.

This destructive cycle has repeated itself for 3 years (on and off since my first blog) and with every cycle I became more suicidal and contemplated going back on my medication just because my kids would sense that something was very wrong in me.  

My kids are very intuitive, especially with me, because I'm always very honest with them; even to a fault.

Even though I would smile, on the inside I was a suicidal mess and they could tell.

To make matters worse, God had called me to attend a new church and it was HARD. The people didn't know me so for the first time since coming to Christ, I created an "I'm fine" church mask. A mask I hated and didn't wear well. 

My bad situation instantly became worse. 

However, I stayed obedient in knowing that He had sent me there.

I was at a new church around new people in a new season of growth and I was not liking it at all. 

Every Sunday I tried to glean some hope of how I could "maneuver" (more like manipulate) my walk with Jesus.

Every Sunday the pastor would preach something that SCREAMED: 

"SURINA, GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF THE BOAT AND STOP YOUR WHINING! THERE ARE PEOPLE TO BE SAVED! THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOU! NOW, GET TO WORK!!!"

Okay, he doesn't really say it in those words but he might as well. He was so convicting. I hated him. Not really but you know what I mean. 

Honestly, Jesus knew exactly what I needed to hear and what would grow me. 

I got the message LOUD and clear. I didn't like it BUT I heard Him.

A few months ago my 13 year-old son called me out on my hypocrisy (I'll blog about it someday). It was a painful day for both of us because I'm hurting my kids by running away but God used the events of that day to speak directly to the FEAR inside of me and it made me stop long enough to ask God "what do you want me to share?"

• I believe that I was BORN to walk with those broken in the area of homosexuality.
• I believe that I was BORN to bring the hope of Jesus Christ to those TRULY seeking Him in a world where homosexuality and blatant sin against the ways of God are becoming a norm. 

LORD YOUR WILL, Not mine! LET IT BE!

Like the prophet Isaiah, I sit here and write today in BIG, BOLD LETTERS:

“Here am I! Send me.”- Isaiah 6:8

To where? I have no idea. For what? No clue BUT...  I KNOW HE IS WITH ME!!

Now that I've written this I'm praying that my WILLINGNESS will cause the fears in my heart to fade to a stronger faith and my walk with Jesus will be BOLDER. 

I want to serve Jesus unhindered and SHAME FREE!!! :)

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."- John 8:36

AMEN!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Jesus Christ, I thought I knew You

Before I start I want to share Jesus's words about the "MANY " people that profess to KNOW Him but they DO NOT and yet, they teach Him as if they do. Jesus warned His disciples about false prophets when He walked this earth. If we heed to His warnings then we are His disciples and if not, then we never knew Him. Here are four translations:

Matthew 7:21-23 

*(King James Version)
²¹ Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
²² Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
²³ And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

*(The Living Bible Version)

²¹ “Not all who sound religious are really godly people. They may refer to me as ‘Lord,’ but still won’t get to heaven. For the decisive question is whether they obey my Father in heaven. ²² At the Judgment^[a] many will tell me, ‘Lord, Lord, we told others about you and used your name to cast out demons and to do many other great miracles.’ ²³ But I will reply, ‘You have never been mine.^[b] Go away, for your deeds are evil.’ 
  
*(New Living Translation Version)

²¹ “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. ²² On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ ²³ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’

And a most modern version I like:

*(The Message Version)
^21-23 “Knowing the correct password—saying ‘Master, Master,’ for instance—isn’t going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience—doing what my Father wills. I can see it now—at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, ‘Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.’ And do you know what I am going to say? ‘You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don’t impress me one bit. You’re out of here.’ 


The Point of this scripture is simple: Just because someone says Jesus's name DOES NOT mean that they KNOW Him. They only know OF Him.

 Here is how I got introduced to Jesus.

Jesus drew me very gently and in different stages before I ever said my first "yes" to Him.
I believe that Jesus does this for us that have been horribly wounded by the church. Especially as little children. Children are VERY precious to the LORD and when they are hurt by those leaders that misrepresent Him, it is no small deal.
 
I don't like to remember my past and how much I had a very DEEP hate for God and His people. But if I don't go there, I can take for granted the MERCY he has given me to walk alongside Him in the life I live today. I've already blogged about the hate (lets-address-hating-god) so I won't go into it again.

Today, I want to share how I learned about:

• The Jesus I "thought" I knew. The "one" I was taught about and grew up with. 
• The "jesus" I was forced to submit to and fear, so I wouldn't go to hell. 
• The "jesus" that stared back at me from a cross statue to remind me that I should feel ashamed for being a sinner and grateful for his sacrifice. 
• The "jesus" that I was made to kneel and pray to for the sin of being born alive.

This was the "jesus" represented to me and so I grew up to mock, hate, and despise him and his people. He was a bully and I didn't want anything to do with him.

Then one day I was told about a movie that showed the evil corruption of the church and it's leaders.
For someone like me, that's all I needed to hear.

The year was 2001, sometime in February. I had a few days off work and my boyfriend and I decided to rent the horror movie Stigmata.

Classified as a horror. Ha, what a joke! Terrible movie!

I was raised in a very religious environment and so I fully enjoyed movies that poked at the church. The word "church" alone made me mad. It was a word that conjured up painful memories of humiliation and perversion. I hated the church and the leaders were the WORST. 
So, I was expecting this movie to justify my emotions and solidify my beliefs that the church was evil.

Here's what happened:

As the movie started I was expecting it to be a horror movie but it was too funny, the acting was horrible and the cast was just wrong for their parts. I started to tune out but something caught my attention. It was the last wound. The wound to Jesus's side. I had no idea that Jesus had a wound on His side but not just any wound -- BUT -- His last wound.

I don't know what it was about not knowing of His last wound that made my WHOLE brain just STOP.

As the movie was playing I sat and literally went back in my memory-bank and tried really hard to think about a time that I had seen or heard any mention of His LAST wound. Where the LAST DROP OF BLOOD came out of Him.

I was raised with lots of pictures and statues of the bloodied crucified "jesus" and so I should know. If I really "KNEW" Jesus then I would know about the last wound and WHY such an infliction was made, right?
I grew up in the church for gods sake. I had nuns and priests for teachers so, I should know about this.

Not knowing this for some odd reason really bothered me.

I gave up trying to remember and told my boyfriend what I didn't know. He just looked at me and said "yeah, they needed to make sure that he was dead....".

As he was explaining to me Jesus's last day I was stunned that he knew anything about Jesus or church or God. We had been living together for about five months and he had never talked to me about his religious beliefs or a god. I had never asked. It didn't matter and now... I was curious.

I asked him how he knew all this stuff about Jesus. He simply got up from the couch, went into our bedroom and came back with a Bible.
First off, I was shocked that there was a Bible in my apartment and that this man had it in his possessions. 
Yes, I was weirded out by this because now I knew why he was so damn weird when I met him. The way we met was even weirder. Lord willing I'll blog about it some day because that boyfriend is now my husband. :)

Anyways, when he opened up his Bible I was horrified that he had written and marked all over in it. When I asked him why he did that he simply said "it's my notes."

I then explained to him that I was raised in a religion where only the priest was allowed to read and interpret the Bible. We were to listen to him speak and trust his teachings. So, I had never touched or read a Bible for myself. Not even in the private Catholic school I attended.
I told him that his Bible is the first that I had ever laid my own eyes on.

He then opened it to the book of John and showed me the passage that was about Jesus's crucifixion. I didn't read it. I just took the Book in my hands and flipped through the pages. Not really reading anything but just looking at everything. Really getting a feel of it in my hands.

I then closed the Book and ended the discussion about Jesus as the movie ended.

I never watched Stigmata again. I don't really remember the movie at all. I do know though that that movie left me with one question -- who is Jesus? Really? Who is He?  

Because the one I was told and taught about -- was not Him!

In the following days we never talked about God, his Bible or the movie again. I also wasn't as mad at Jesus as I was prior to the movie because I couldn't be mad at someone I didn't really even know.

I only wanted to be happy and to go about my business as normal. No more talks about Jesus or a god or anything. Back to my life as usual. I had everything I needed.

Everything was fine for a couple days until I found a card that was left for me in my galley that read:

"If we meet and you forget me, you have lost nothing; but if you meet JESUS CHRIST and forget Him you have lost everything."

All the sudden everything was not fine.

I put the card in my bag and never looked at it again BUT it got me thinking -- Who is this JESUS CHRIST???

 

Writing down my journey

I've had several dreams this week about writing and in my dreams I was very prepared to write whatever I was writing and I was okay with whatever was going on. I then woke up.

My reality is: I don't enjoy writing about my life and what God has taught me in the process! It's painful and I see it as a useless waste of time to share so much darkness, in written form. I can talk to others about it but I just can't write it.
When I talk about my journey then I can make it sound better than it was or laugh off the most painful parts and the hearer can see that it wasn't that bad. I want them to hear how God pulled me out of such a mess. I want them to overlook the dark stuff and when I see that they are hurt or bothered, I want to be there to fix it. I can control the situation.

But writing is different. I don't get to control how my story is read. I don't get to see a readers face. I don't get to laugh off the painful parts. I don't get to explain why the people in my life were so hurtful or why I was so hurtful. Justifications are out the window. I only get to write and wait for God to do His part.
I have NO control. None, zilch, nada, nothing, zero control and it's TERRIFYING. I only get to trust Him. And for me, that is the most agonizing part of writing my journey.

So, if it's so agonizing for me to do, then why do it??
Because, I would be in complete disobedience to the God I say I love and serve if I did not share the journey He has me on. I WANT TO BE OBEDIENT.
I don't want to call my God a liar. He is trustworthy and He has proven His faithfulness to me countless times and yet, I call him a liar when I don't trust Him.
Satan is the king of liars and I don't serve him but when I give in to my fears then by default he is who I'm trusting.

My last blogs took such an emotional toll on me that I stopped. The spiritual warfare was so heavy that I couldn't breathe. I would get anxiety just thinking about blogging and then tell God that maybe I heard him wrong. Then I would ask Him to redirect me and well, here I am. He redirected me right back here. :)

So, my hope and prayer for this blog is that God has His way with it. And that my faith will grow unimaginably. That a year from now I will look back and be absolutely astounded by His mighty works and that the dreams I have had this week will be made TRUE.

One day I will wake up and be prepared to write and I will be okay because I serve a God who loves me. I'm His girl. 

Choosing to be a mom

On Mother's Day, I walked away from my pastor's sermon with a statement he made that just struck me and I couldn't shake it.

He said "being a mom is truly a STEP OF FAITH".

What a profound statement. At least for me. I've never seen motherhood as a "step of faith".

I've seen women pop out kids left and right then recklessly neglect them. No faith required. 

Then there are women like myself where it took over ten years to just conceive two kids.
Did that mean we had less faith because our wombs weren't fertile enough to become moms? Or did he mean -- to raise children of faith took a step of faith? 
I will assume that this is what he really meant because I do believe he is wise.

Anyways, as the day went forth, I could not help but be thrown back in time to think about the beginning of my journey to becoming a mom.
On this Sunday, I saw with my very own eyes that I had become the mom I thought I could NEVER be.

Through my walk with Jesus I've become the mom I've always wanted.
The mom I've always yearned for. The mom I've never had, will never have, but will strive to be.

My journey as "mom" has been extremely hard and it's taken a lot of faith to make the decisions I've had to make to be where I'm at today and to live the life I'm living.

Mother Day 2015: My son made me a candy bowl and my girl wrote me a book :) 

I've heard that the beginning of every journey is started with one step and it wasn't until Sunday that I realized that my one step, thirteen years ago, was "truly a step of faith". A step that changed the whole course of my life and all I had to do was... make the call.
It was a call to say "I'm keeping my son".
It was the HARDEST call I've ever had to make.
To me, it was a call of "I failed you, again".
A call of defeat.

You see, my son was suppose to be the bridge for me to have a "mom". Not be a mom.

I failed to execute the plan. A plan that was years in the making. A plan that was fueled years ago when I was just a young girl.

There was no question that my mother was to get my son to raise as her own. As it was a custom in our culture.
The moment she got the call that I was pregnant, she knew it was hers and she didn't even have to ask "if?" only "when?". My womb was hers.

But... I FAILED. Again.
I was so close and still failed.

I had flown across the country. I was only one flight away from the final destination. My mom was excited and prepared.

But... 
it took one person (during a layover) to open my eyes and speak to me with the heart of a mother. She knew what I was chasing after and she cared enough to tell me:
"he'll get what you got. She doesn't change. Think about it".

I did... I did... I did and she was was right.
Deep down, even as a young girl, I always knew the plan was flawed.

From the day my son was born I had refused to hold him unless he needed to be fed. I knew he wasn't mine but at that moment, in that room, with a plane ticket in one hand and his tiny hand in the other, I had a choice. To be a mom or gain a "brother". That was the custom. 

My brain scrambled for answers and I needed to make a decision, quickly. Time was running out.

To keep him would mean change and I had a career where I traveled 5-6 days a week. I didn't have time for a baby but the thought of him having a childhood like mine tormented me. I couldn't do it. Not to him.

I needed help in my final decision. I needed to call the man whose last words to me were "I hate you". I needed to call his dad.
I knew his dad would say yes to keeping him since he had been begging me to change my plans but I wasn't ready to be a mom and I didn't want to be with a man.

For the first time, on that day, I fully understood that my decision would affect someone completely innocent.  
Whether I wanted him or not. He was innocent. And he was here.  
   
Deep down I felt like I had been tricked. My choice of when to be a mom was stolen. I felt like I was locked in a prison with a baby I didn't want. I had no one to blame but myself.

I wanted a mother so badly that I was willing to believe in a lie. That day I failed everyone.

I was angry at myself and in my anger, I chose to parent a son. Then later, a daughter.
One born for barter and one born out of guilt.  
I wish it wasn't the case but to say otherwise would be a lie.

Mother's Day 2015

What I never wanted was what I really needed. God in His mercy knew I needed to learn about Him through them. 

Physically, I was fine but emotionally and spiritually -- I was a huge mess. I didn't know anything about being a parent and my kids deserved so much better than what I had to offer. That is where Jesus came in:

• I didn't know how to love so -- He taught me how to love them.
• I didn't know peace so -- He gave me peace to be patient with them.
• I didn't know how to fight for them so -- He gave me strength to do what needed to get done.
• I didn't know how to raise them so -- He guided me to caring for their needs.
• I didn't know if I could trust Him so -- He spoke to me throughout the day.
• I didn't know how to work together with their father so -- He taught me how to pray.
• I didn't know what I was doing so -- He used His people to show me how near He was.

The people He used were not in the church because I wouldn't go to a church until years into my parenting. I don't even know if the people used knew God but God used them in my life and I'm so grateful for them and their willingness to help me.

God even used their father to help me become a better mother. So, I married him. :)

I do not fully understand why God entrusted me with two amazing kids but He did.

Now, all I can do is raise them up and send them out. 
I want them to give back to the people that helped me be the mom that they received.
That's it. 
Train them up in the Word of God and send them out in Jesus name.

So to be a mom truly does take faith -- if you're raising children to walk against the flow of the social filth being shoved in their faces each and every day.
Yeah, to raise strong kids that love God is truly a "step of faith".

"Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."~Psalm 22:6

My Prayer:
Father God, Please help me to be a good steward of the kids you have entrusted to me. Give me strength to raise them for You. Your way, not mine.
Amen

A No-church "INNER CIRCLE" Day

I haven't gone to a church in almost 3 weeks.

Actually, I haven't gone to church due to being out of town and sick but yesterday I could have gone but I chose not to. My family needed to have a "no-church" day.
Traveling and being sick literally drained me and all I wanted was a day with my little family that was stress free.

A day where we didn't have to get up and think about what to wear, where to park, where to sit, what mood to be in and if we didn't want to talk -- we didn't have to.
A day of silence. :)

I wanted an "inner-circle" fellowship day. An "us" day.
A real Sabbath day of REST.

That's what I wanted for my family when I decided not to go...
And that's EXACTLY what God blessed me with:

We sat in our pjs and watched an AWESOME sermon.

We ate Daddy's DELICIOUS breakfast.

We then walked to the park while being kissed by the BEAUTY of nature.

My little cutie ENJOYED eating a Cutie.

Before finding a FRIENDLY froggy to freak mommy out.

And then we just played, played, played. ALL DAY :)

If you're reading this and thinking "Oh, then this proves that going to church is not necessary" SORRY  to disappoint you but that's not what this blog is about.

Hebrews 10:25 encourages Christians to fellowship together because we all have a part to play in the body of Christ.
I go out of obedience to the God I love. It's not easy but He gets me through it every time. A lot of times I leave never wanting to return but I love Jesus and believe in His promise to care for my family.
Lord, willing, I will blog one day about my journey on the days I never want to return to church. I learned a lot on those days about God's faithfulness.

Anyways, I felt led to share this day because everything that led up to this day, even me being sick, is a lesson in my journey with Jesus. I had a week of travel and a week of being sick. Sunday is our only family day together because of church. We are busy. Too busy. :(
Jesus had me right where He needed me to be in order for me to listen.

I am a Martha.

Martha in the Bible (Luke 10:40) is someone who is so busy trying to serve Jesus that she never stops long enough to LEARN from Jesus. He was trying to share Himself with her but she was too busy. That is me.
I had a pastor say to me, when I offered help, "no. I see you everywhere. You're gonna burn out". At first I was like "what?" and now I'm grateful that he was wise enough to see what I couldn't or wouldn't see. 

I love being a "Martha" because I'm a doer BUT if my "doing" is not guiding me in the direction of my INTENDED purpose for why I was born then -- I need to STOP and LISTEN for Him.

I need to be a Mary.
At least for this season in my life.

Mary in the Bible (Luke 10:39) sat at Jesus' feet to LISTEN and LEARN from Him.
People like "Mary" drive me crazy. My husband is a Mary. Which makes for a very interesting marriage.
People like Mary move slowly. They analyze to death. They might as well be Lazarus.

But I will strive to sit in my "Mary" season of life and

"Be still and know...God"

AND....

I will try (with all that's in me) not to grumble.

My Prayer:
Lord, Please help me to be still for this season and only move when You say "move". 
Amen

The Armor of God

I've been wounded. I'm hurt and bleeding. Everywhere.

Some of my closest friends know I awake every morning and my first prayer, before I do anything, is to put on God's armor (Ephesian 6:10).
To me, clothes mean nothing without His armor. It's like walking naked into a battle. I want to be prepared!

However, for the past week I have been struggling to put my armor on. I've been getting attacks left and right. But because I know the power and importance of putting on God's armor; I have been reading Ephesian 6:10 (for the past two days) to help me until I can put on His armor again by prayer and meditation.

His armor is so IMPORTANT that I have it posted at my doorways.

However, this morning, I awoke frustrated and angry and refused to armor up because I felt that God was allowing me to feel this "heaviness" and I was mad. I was tired of fighting a battle I couldn't win.

I went to my prayer group this morning thinking that if I shared what I was going through then they could pray for me and the "heaviness" would be removed.
But as I saw all the prayer needs on our list I felt too ashamed to share that I was angry at God for no real legitimate reason. During that time my "heaviness" no longer mattered.

After all the prayer requests were lifted up I felt better and blessed but the "heaviness" returned and became ever present. I couldn't shake it.

I finally decided to share my heavy heart with my husband since I wasn't getting a revelation any other way. Within minutes God faithfully revealed to me that I was trying to cover a wound that He was trying to "air out".

He visually showed me that when one of my kids get a cut that bleeds, I immediately get something to stop the bleeding. Then I wait for the bleeding to stop long enough for me to apply hydrogen peroxide and an antibiotic cream. I then find just the right size band-aid to keep the wound secure for the healing process to begin. After a few days or weeks (depending on the cut) I remove the band-aid to air out the healing wound. The wound then (now exposed to light and air) scabs over and finishes its healing process.

The Lord then said to me:
"Surina, I'm trying to air you out and the scar your scab leaves behind depends on whether you will trust Me to finish your healing or not. If you choose to peel the scab then I will let you see it bleed again and leave a darker, more permanent scar.
BUT if you trust Me, then I will heal you and the scar will only be a memory".

He then revealed to me that the reason I was struggling to "armor up" was because I was using His armor to hide not fight. I was using His armor inappropriately.

His armor is for warriors on the battlefield. Not for spectators watching from the sidelines.

When I finally opened up about what I was struggling with to my husband I was allowing my wound to "air out". In other words - God wants me to share my scabs until they are fully healed.

In the first pages of "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren it states:
"Real Spiritual growth is never an isolated, individualistic pursuit. Maturity is produced through relationships and community."

Well, here I am, again. Trying to "air out" and grow. Stepping out in faith, hoping to heal sooner than later.