|Baby boy, I treated you unfairly! I'm so sorry!!|
I brought you into this world for all the wrong reasons. I worked hard to get you here only to despise the day you were born.
When I had to keep you I punished you for that decision and when I had to keep your father around, I blamed you for ruining my life.
For over a decade I told you to grow up and leave because you were never mine to begin with.
You heard me loud and clear. I hurt you...
Son, mommy was WRONG!!! I am very SORRY!!!
You did not deserve to enter the world in that way.
|But God had a plan...|
There will be no pictures of me holding you and loving on you in the hospital because there are none. I felt nothing towards you.
your daddy did what I wasn't willing to do.
|He was willing to hold you.|
Before I could give an answer I had to call the person you were going to go to and ask her what she preferred. She said "breast" and I answered "breast". She wanted you as healthy as possible.
I was like a robot. Completely programmed to remember that -- you're not mine.
You were just a package being prepared for delivery.
All my doctors knew my plan for you from the day I was told that I was pregnant but, for some odd reason, they thought that I would change my mind after seeing you and bond in some way. They were wrong.
your daddy was in love with you the moment he laid his eyes on you.
|Love at first sight.|
|Your first bed.|
That's okay though. You had no need for a crib because your daddy's chest was where you slept best. He wanted to hold you as much as he could.
The countdown to your departure was nearing.
God, I put that man through hell and oh, how he tried to change my mind BUT...
when the doctors gave me the okay for you to go on a plane, we were off within the week.
Son, your daddy hated me. As I write this, I really can't blame him but he later understood my deep desperation.
Into the sky...
As we boarded the plane, people who sat near us got immediately irritated because they thought you would cry throughout the flight but you amazed them by sleeping comfortably from the gate of departure to the gate of arrival.
They didn't know that you were a flight baby. Being in the sky was your second home.
They felt guilty for being rude to us and so they offered to carry all our stuff to the baggage claim.
Son, people judged you at a month old. Welcome to the world. Get use to it.
It will serve you well to learn to persevere through worldly judgements. Don't ignore it, discern it.
Not all criticism should be ignored. It can grow you tremendously.
Well, son, obviously something happened and you never reached the "final destination" I set out and planned for you.
I won't go into it since I already wrote about it in a different blog.
So let's move forward and touch on how I handled my new role as "mom".
In keeping you...
Well son, as you know, mommy did not handle my new role very well.
I was clueless on what to do with you so, I left you with your dad and went back to work.
I flew in to see you once a week for less than 24 hours. Each time I saw you you looked different. I hardly knew you.
One day I placed you on a couch not realizing that you were able to turn over and you fell off. Your daddy got mad at me and I did what I did best -- I went back to work. I wasn't a mom. I was more like an out-of-town visitor.
|Holding you felt awkward but I still tried.|
He decided to pry a little more by asking me how old you were and why I was at work and not at home with you since you were still a bitty baby. For five hours I sat next to this man as he poked holes in all my answers.
Son, you know mommy must've been too worn out to tell him to mind his own damned business but, obviously, God was at work because he told me something I needed to hear and it changed the whole direction of my life. He said:
"...if your son becomes a total success you can never lay claim to him because you weren't there to help BUT if he becomes a total menace to society it will be your fault because you weren't there to guide him. Being a parent is that important."Son, you know mommy was a societal nightmare and out of that whole five hours conversation the thought of you not being guided to do well in your life due to my absence placed a VERY STRONG FEAR IN ME.
I never wanted you to be treated or seen as a criminal. Less than worthy of human treatment.
That was my last flight. I, immediately, came home and your future became my new focus.
That decision ultimately became the end of me and... the beginning of us.
|Our first unintended pro-photo together. You screamed the whole time and refused to let anyone else hold you and I didn't know what else to do but get you naked and be in the picture. It worked.|
Immersing into motherhood...
When I told your daddy that I was going to try to be a mom he was in full agreement but, unfortunately, no one was ready for the Pandora's box of "crazy" that was about to be opened. Not even I was aware of the depth of my own mental instability.
As you already know, I hated my role as mom.
I didn't know what a "mom" was suppose to do or be like. I struggled to cope. I became the version of the only mom I saw and knew. I became the person I feared. I was so scared and at a loss of any hope for the both of us.
If the state did not enter our picture and threaten to take you away from me I don't believe that I would have changed.
It's only by the grace of God that you stayed in my care.
|As suggested by your teacher, I put mirrors around the house so you'd know who you were and smile. :)|
I failed in my first attempts at trying to be your mom but I learned and became stronger through trial and error.
Son, failure is okay but DO NOT lay down in it, GROW from it. Failure is great fuel for growth.
I know that I still have a ways to go in raising you and your sister. I know that I will continue to fail in areas that I have yet to trek in my parenting journey. But I also know that you have been so gracious with me especially since Jesus has entered our picture.
|Your first Vacation Bible School experience. You, eventually, got use to it.|
|2017 Mission Trip|
I'm not the least bit surprised with how He met you. You've always had a love and tenderness for children.
Humans will disappoint you but Jesus is your very solid Appointment towards your intended purpose in life.
And last but not least...
Investing in your future "Bride"...
|You treat your sister with so much love and care, thank you! Your bride will be blessed indeed.|
It became the reason I chose to write this apology in such a public format.
It is my hope that whoever reads this can see our journey and see Jesus as their Hope and Guide forever.
Son, the way you handled that whole situation with so much love amazed me.
Most adults couldn't handle that much pain and function properly (like I did) but you did it with so much care and dignity for the other person that I couldn't understand what you were doing. Or, in actuality, what God was doing through you.
I was so mad but, obviously, God needed to show me something.
Son, most parents, if they're honest will admit that even though God will tell them that He's got their kids, parents will still have their doubts.
Worry is a human condition that worsens once you become a parent because kids are an extension of us. You and Inara both have pieces of my heart and certain things cause me to lash out for your protection and care.
So, when I tried to "remove" the cuckoo-religious crap from your mouth because I couldn't understand your sudden "spiritual awakening" and you got up and wrapped your arms around me to reassure me of your love and understanding for my position as a "mom", I was hit with the stark reality that God did His part exactly as He had promised to me the day I stepped into the waters of baptism as a new Christian believer.
He promised me that He would never give you and your sister a life where you two felt alone in your pain IF I came to Him for guidance and obeyed His teachings and taught them to you both.
Son, until that day, I had forgotten that He is more powerful than anything that I may try to do.
I can speak life into you all day and all night and if you decided to throw it all away in spite of everything you heard and know ONLY GOD can redirect your feet onto the path of life and Only He can be your Peace and Anchor amid your storm. Only He can be your Healer and Comforter for your broken heart.
And I... can do nothing but pray and watch Him walk with you and bring others to walk beside you.
Son, to see God use your leaders to cup your hurting heart and hold you tenderly as your daddy did when you were first born has been quite an experience for me. Their investment in you could only have been of God Himself. As a mom, I'm blessed. God kept His promise to NEVER leave you nor forsake you.
Son, I was wrong to get angry for you and at you. I was wrong to speak words of hate over someone that God created in His own image. My wrath and judgement was uncalled for no matter the case.
Son, thank you for not heeding to my level of pure evil.
I called her all sorts of foul names and you called her a child of God.
I wanted to see her burned into the ground and you wanted me to see the good of God in her.
In my anger, I sinned. I am sincerely sorry.
If this is you at the tender age of 15 then I wonder how you will be ten years from now as a 25 year-old man???
Honestly, son, this is one of the main reasons why I want you to grow up and go live your own life.
I have always been curious as to why God would give me two kids to raise.
Do you remember all the years, when you were angry with me, you would ask me why God gave you to me and I would tell you to go ask Him and you'd reply with "I hate Him and you." Those were turbulent times for us.
Oh, son, how amazing it is to see God at work in your life. How awesome is God to show your dad and I the fruition of our guided parenting.
I know that it has built our faith more seeing God hold you together.
|You were always God's gift to me. I just didn't see it till now.|
|Our family pillow fights.|
Now look at us all. It's been almost 12 years since that decision and we've become an amazing family unit. We're not perfect but we sure do laugh a lot under this roof. Even when we're all fighting, which is even funnier. :)
|Our first family comedian night.|
|Our family game nights.|
|Our family after dinner walks...or|
|...run to push each other into the water walk.|
|We're always in one room together...|
|...usually with your dad playing his guitars.|
|Our first and best Christmas Day getaway weekend...|
|...with a Jacuzzi next to our beds that we filled with bubbles.|
Remember when you got mad at me for calling a kid you were playing with "black" and you corrected me by telling me to call him "African American" because I was being politically incorrect and (in your 10 year-old estimation) "racist"??? LOL!!
And you fought me for a week about it? LOL!!
You were so relentless and annoying but I finally just gave in. Good grief!
Just a side note but I think we were both wrong on this. I think he would be classified as "black American". Just saying...
|You didn't know I took this pic but I needed to remember this day for some odd reason. Maybe it was for this blog. :)|
3. Saulomon Nash, I love how you have helped me grow to be a better human being (a.k.a. more like Jesus Christ).
I love it when you correct my speech and yell at me for cussing. Very few people know the amount of profanity that exits my mouth on a daily basis but you have, even to your own detriment, wrestled with me to stop dropping the "F"-bomb. Especially around your sister.
Son, did you notice I didn't use it in this blog?? You're welcome! :)
I also love it when you fight for what you believe in. I have seen you lose friends and, obviously, a girlfriend because you were not willing to compromise your faith or value.
I love how you argue with me about your political views. Although, we don't agree on several issues we still agree that you and I are some how very much a like.
There's so much to love about you son. Thank you for forgiving me every time I mess up.
I thank God for the opportunity He has given me to steward you to Him.