Friday, March 27, 2015

God, I hate you!

If you had read my last blog then you will know that I am on an exploratory reading journey with Rick Warren's book "The Purpose Driven Life".

I am suppose to be on chapter 10 but because I am mulling over every word of every chapter there is a great possibility that this 40 day journey will take me several months. 
This book is rich in content and scripturally sound. I can't believe that I almost missed this opportunity. Thank God that He knows exactly what I need.

However, had I read this book 2 years ago, when I got it, I would have hated God MORE. So, I thank God for His PERFECT timing!

When I tell people that I "hate"d God, I sometimes wonder if they understand the depth of the hate that I'm speaking of. 
It's not a "oh, I hate God because He didn't give me what I wanted" like He's some sort of freakin' vending machine. That's just you being a spoiled brat. 
A natural kid taking a natural parent for granted. Not realizing that, guess what, people like me are orphans waiting to be adopted into a family. Wandering the world parentless. Knowing nothing of hope or love or kindness.

No, people, that's not the hate that I had for Him. It's deeper. Much deeper. And I did not know how deep the root of hate I had for Him was until I read chapter 2.

Chapter 2 is titled "You are not an accident". 
I was only able to read the first two sentences before I literally threw the book to the other side of the couch away from me. My breathing got very heavy and all the anger that I thought that I had "prayed away" came flooding back. I cried horrible, bitter tears. Many suppressed memories flooded back.

It was 5am and the last thing I wanted to do was wake anyone up because I didn't want to talk about the hate.  
I only want to talk about His blessings, His love, and the peace He gives me. 
I'm not that person anymore and I had to remind myself of that. I had to remind myself of the darkness He pulled me out of. I had to remind myself that I belonged to Him and that He sent JESUS for me and that no matter what - HE LOVES ME!!!

Over and over I kept telling God "I don't want to be mad at You anymore, I don't want to be mad at You anymore" and pleading with Him "PLEASE, help me not to be mad at You anymore. I want to love You and I want to stay in love with You". 

Chapter 2 was a hard day! 

As I journey through this book I will share my thoughts and my struggles. After all, a journey is always better when it's shared.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Let Address: Depression

A trail near my home I walk often. It helps me think.
Two weeks ago Monday I was overwhelmed with a very DEEP amount of sadness. I figured that I would just wait it out and go about my normal routine. By Friday I was such a mess that all I wanted to do was sleep. My hubby and kids knew that mommy just needed time to "pray it out". Unfortunately, it was not going away. And because I didn't want anyone to know that I was sad for some unknown reason - I hid it. 

Every emotion hurt and the only ones that knew was my husband, my kids, and my Lord.

Depression for me is nothing new. I had been diagnosed as being bipolar and told that I would always need to be medicated to live a "normal" life.  For almost eleven years I believed that LIE and in 2011 I decided to "try Jesus". If the Bible says that He died to heal us then I expected just that. 
My doctor was so against me stopping my meds that she threatened to have me arrested. Well, long story short, I don't really understand all that transpired that day with the doctor but someone stepped in to help me and I've been medication free since.
The journey has not been easy and I don't know how many years it will take but Lord willing, I expect a full healing.

Every year, since 2011, I battle a couple days of sadness. Sometimes longer when following a tragic event which is understandable. But this time, I had no reason to have been as sad as I was. This sadness was deeper.
This sadness was like a "I have never met Jesus" kind of sadness. It truly scared me because He has done nothing but bless me. My sadness was then followed by guilt. Then anger. Then self-hate.
I absolutely hated what I was going through because there was no reason for it. NONE.  

My beautiful little family

I'm in a beautiful marriage with a husband that loves and spoils me. I have two beautiful, smart, healthy, well-behaved kids. I live in a beautiful area in a beautiful home. God has done nothing but give me a beautiful life. And yet, I wanted to jump off the nearest bridge. What the hell was going on?
I was digging into His word, worshiping with praise music, reading all my devotionals, listening to sermons and praying, praying, praying.

Then Sunday came and the message preached was about apathy; 

  • Is there something that God has told you to do but you are choosing not to do it? 
  • Do you trust Him or not?
Well, it didn't take long for God to show me how disobedient I have been in my blogging. Sharing my thoughts has become quite scary since coming to Christ and the last thing I wanted to do was make it concrete and public. But if this is what it will take for my sadness to go away then so be it.

I don't understand what He's trying to do and why blogging out my messed up life is so important to Him but I'm choosing to stop asking "why" and start asking "what".

So, last Monday, I awoke early as usual and sat on my chair to read my studies as usual. But something was off and so I asked: "Lord, what is it?"
And He immediately took my eyes and LOCKED them to a book that I had been given 2 years ago by a man who stated that it would change my life. And because he was so convinced that it would change my life, I decided that I was never going to read it. I only had it on my shelf just in case someone wanted to read it. 
God knew that some "one" would be me!
The Purpose Driven Life

Today, I'm on chapter 7. 
The question that stuck out to me was on page58: Who are you going to live for -- yourself or God?
 -- I want to live for God! 

And if blogging is what He wants then HERE I AM... again. Stepping out in faith. Trying to be obedient.