I am suppose to be on chapter 10 but because I am mulling over every word of every chapter there is a great possibility that this 40 day journey will take me several months.
This book is rich in content and scripturally sound. I can't believe that I almost missed this opportunity. Thank God that He knows exactly what I need.
However, had I read this book 2 years ago, when I got it, I would have hated God MORE. So, I thank God for His PERFECT timing!
When I tell people that I "hate"d God, I sometimes wonder if they understand the depth of the hate that I'm speaking of.
It's not a "oh, I hate God because He didn't give me what I wanted" like He's some sort of freakin' vending machine. That's just you being a spoiled brat.
A natural kid taking a natural parent for granted. Not realizing that, guess what, people like me are orphans waiting to be adopted into a family. Wandering the world parentless. Knowing nothing of hope or love or kindness.
No, people, that's not the hate that I had for Him. It's deeper. Much deeper. And I did not know how deep the root of hate I had for Him was until I read chapter 2.
Chapter 2 is titled "You are not an accident".
I was only able to read the first two sentences before I literally threw the book to the other side of the couch away from me. My breathing got very heavy and all the anger that I thought that I had "prayed away" came flooding back. I cried horrible, bitter tears. Many suppressed memories flooded back.
It was 5am and the last thing I wanted to do was wake anyone up because I didn't want to talk about the hate.
I only want to talk about His blessings, His love, and the peace He gives me.
I'm not that person anymore and I had to remind myself of that. I had to remind myself of the darkness He pulled me out of. I had to remind myself that I belonged to Him and that He sent JESUS for me and that no matter what - HE LOVES ME!!!
Over and over I kept telling God "I don't want to be mad at You anymore, I don't want to be mad at You anymore" and pleading with Him "PLEASE, help me not to be mad at You anymore. I want to love You and I want to stay in love with You".
Chapter 2 was a hard day!
As I journey through this book I will share my thoughts and my struggles. After all, a journey is always better when it's shared.
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