I like to say that I trust Him but at the end of the day the question that He always brings back to me is “Surina, do YOU really trust Me?” and the answer I usually give Him is a hesitant “I do”. But do I?
A week and a few days after I posted my last blog God sent me a test that sent me into a tailspin and the last thing I wanted was to share my shameful failure of faith and my bad attitude that matched. I was awful! My love and devotion for God immediately turned to hate and anger. I told Him that after I walked through the path that He had set before me I never wanted to hear from Him again.
To top it off, I was NOT to lean on anyone that I had leaned on before. This time it was me and Him and whomever HE decided was needed.
I was to seek Him early, seek Him often, and seek Him always.
My emotions were like a roller coaster. One minute I would love God and the next I would cuss Him out.
I so desperate for someone else to give me answers to why I had to walk alone. Every time I would try to have someone walk my journey with me, God would quickly remove them. I was lonely and felt lost most of the time even though I could hear Him.
My heart (that I tried to keep protected) hurt often. I wanted out but I loved my friend’s boys too much to walk away.
I stayed because I was in love with his kids and God knew. He knew and He used it.
Today, I see that God was trying to give me an honorary first class seat. The path that I was trying to avoid has become one of the biggest blessings of my life. I got to experience God in amazing ways. My time before Him was rich in ways I can't explain into words.
It so humbles me to see their faith.
I very rarely see true faith lived out for Jesus but that’s what I see at the end of this journey. Two little boys that are trusting their dad is with Jesus and a widow that is trusting God with her boys.
It is amazing how God tests the "faith muscles" of His kids. Who am I to have received such a blessing? And how much of this would I have missed if I had stayed in my angry state? What is God doing with me?
I don't fully know who I am and what I am truly capable of but this year I want to try and I want to FULLY TRUST that God won't drop me. That my words about trusting Him will match my actions. No longer doubting His faithfulness. This is my prayer for 2015.