Monday, January 26, 2015

Trust God & Walk

Today I heard a sermon that really highlighted an issue that God has been dealing with me about for the past year.

The issue: I don’t know if I have come to a place where I fully trust God with EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything in my life!
I like to say that I trust Him but at the end of the day the question that He always brings back to me is “Surina, do YOU really trust Me?” and the answer I usually give Him is a hesitant “I do”. But do I? 

As I sit and write this, I wonder - is this the year? Is 2015 the year where I’m going to stop hiding my fear of making mistakes in my spiritual walk with Jesus? Is this the year that I abandon my will for His will in my life? Is this the year my faith will truly be lived out? I WANT TO TRY!!! I don’t want the regrets of yesterdays.

Then the only way I’m going to fully understand how to trust God with me is by walking out this faith in Him that I state I have. I can’t see my faith but I know it’s in me. It’s a weak muscle I need to work out if I’m ever going to see its full strength. So here I go… 

Last year, after my last blog, I had to stop. Actually, I chose to stop because I was too mad at God to even share or see my frustrations in written form. 
A week and a few days after I posted my last blog God sent me a test that sent me into a tailspin and the last thing I wanted was to share my shameful failure of faith and my bad attitude that matched. I was awful! My love and devotion for God immediately turned to hate and anger. I told Him that after I walked through the path that He had set before me I never wanted to hear from Him again.

That whole week I was an emotional wreck and I didn’t want anyone to be around me. I refused to love on my kids and I asked my husband for a divorce. I wanted to rid myself of what God had blessed me with. I was a nightmare to be around. I was throwing such a "holy-hell" fit that I got physically sick and had to stay in bed. My husband, lovingly, ignored my anger and cared for me. We both knew I was being ridiculous. God knew I was scared. You would think that God had asked me to walk on water to prove my faith or something but He wasn't.

He only asked me to walk with a friend that was dying and I freaked out because this friend had kids. 

To top it off, I was NOT to lean on anyone that I had leaned on before. This time it was me and Him and whomever HE decided was needed. 

I was to seek Him early, seek Him often, and seek Him always. 

My emotions were like a roller coaster. One minute I would love God and the next I would cuss Him out. 

I so desperate for someone else to give me answers to why I had to walk alone. Every time I would try to have someone walk my journey with me, God would quickly remove them. I was lonely and felt lost most of the time even though I could hear Him. 

My heart (that I tried to keep protected) hurt often. I wanted out but I loved my friend’s boys too much to walk away. 

I stayed because I was in love with his kids and God knew. He knew and He used it.

Today, I see that God was trying to give me an honorary first class seat. The path that I was trying to avoid has become one of the biggest blessings of my life. I got to experience God in amazing ways. My time before Him was rich in ways I can't explain into words. 
Now my friend’s widow and kids come over for play-dates and dinners. It has become a time where I get to hear all about what God is doing in their lives. How He is being the Father to my friend's boys and the better husband to his wife. 
It so humbles me to see their faith. 

I very rarely see true faith lived out for Jesus but that’s what I see at the end of this journey. Two little boys that are trusting their dad is with Jesus and a widow that is trusting God with her boys. 

It is amazing how God tests the "faith muscles" of His kids. Who am I to have received such a blessing? And how much of this would I have missed if I had stayed in my angry state? What is God doing with me?

I don't fully know who I am and what I am truly capable of but this year I want to try and I want to FULLY TRUST that God won't drop me. That my words about trusting Him will match my actions. No longer doubting His faithfulness. This is my prayer for 2015.