I also got more attention than I wanted. I hated it. I didn't like good attention but I really loved bad attention. I felt more deserving of it. Plus I liked fights and pissing people off. It was almost a hidden gift.
So, when God started to show me that I can do good and that I'm worthy of positive affirmation I immediately pulled away. However, because I wanted God to continue to grow me in my faith of who He was... I was willing to write. BUT only under an alias. I didn't want to be stung by the pain of acceptance or feed my rebellion on rejection. I was able to freely write my thoughts and prayers.
However, before I closed down my alias blog I saved all my posts and decided that I would keep it for memories of my journey.
I immediately thought about my #1 viewed post where I shared a prayer that I truly felt like God wanted me to share openly.
Here it is:
Just throw me away like the worthless trash that I am. I came to You haughty, prideful, and full of anger and yet You say “come”?
I have yelled at You and cursed Your name and still You say “come”?
I’ve stabbed You in the back and denied You openly, mocking Your ways and yet You still say “come”?
Father, what do You see of me that is remotely worthy of Your kingdom?
What do I have that You see of use? NOTHING! I HAVE NOTHING! I AM NOTHING!
I’m a disgusting human full of selfishness and lust. Yet, You still say “come”? Why??
Me: Father, help me then to be willing! I’m tired of trusting in my own ways and the ways of this world. I'm tired of failing to be perfect. Have Your way with me, Lord. LET YOUR WILL BE DONE!!!
This prayer was written during a time in my walk where I was doing everything right and I was walking with people that I thought were godly (the churched) and yet, internally, I felt like I was dying.
I didn't know what was happening. I just knew that a part of me, internally, had stopped growing and was dying. I hurt.
The way He answered my prayer was not what I expected and so I put up a HUGE fight because His direction was towards a new church and a new church body.
I loved the church body I was in and saw no reason to move but I'll have to blog later about fighting that year long losing battle.
I wasn't sure if that church allowed what I was doing but my body was starving for whatever I had received that I stayed there until the pastor came back out again.