If I keep my eyes focused forward then I don't ever need to deal with what is in my peripheral vision.I see it, it's there, but if I close my eyes long enough to pass it and pretend that it's not there.... then I will survive today.It's always there but if I create enough mind-numbing bad habits or fill my day with the loud noise of this world then I can get another chance to forget about it. A momentary relief.All I need to do is to survive today and hopefully (if God really loves me) I won't wake up tomorrow.
|I believe that any one who God has called has hurled this internal scream at Him.|
What you just read has been my state of mind for the past month (yes, January 2017) because I don't want to be obedient to God. AT ALL!!! I don't want to go to church! I don't want to write about my journey with Him! I don't want to give up my liquor! I have a list of "I don't wants" and I can guarantee you that if I continue in this disobedient "I don't want" state, not only will I suffer BUT so will my babies. And I KNOW this. I, as a mama, KNOW THIS!!!
|My babies are always watching me to see... IS JESUS REAL?|
Throughout the Bible God talks about His blessings and cursings and what happens to the children of those that choose to fight against Him. I lose, they lose. Simple as that.
I want my kids to receive whatever blessings they can get without my stubborn ass holding them back.
So, me sitting and writing this is my fight to be obedient because..... IT is killing me.
I thought that it was gonna be dead and gone last year.
BUT it is alive and well and it is trying to kill me.
I can't outrun it.
It is always there when I arrive.
It is there when I close my eyes and when I open them and no amount of gorging on "bad habits" will take it away.
IT IS EVERYWHERE!!! There is NOWHERE to hide.
So, I might as well stand up, look straight at it and grab it by its neck then shake the living fuck out of it because running away has me worn out.
The "it" I am referring to is the call to share my journey. My testimony. Mostly my past.
How I was abandoned by my natural parents and then found by ones who would enslave me for several years BUT how later God would use these same people to push me into a place of understanding His GREAT love, my heartbreaking loss, and why I must choose to surrender my life into His hands. DAILY!!!
I'm no longer bitter or angry about my past. I'm just SAD that I can't move on without "it" always being there. In every damn corner and/or conversation. It's annoying. Like Jim Carry from the Cable guy. It won't leave you alone. It's in the room when you enter. Yikes! :(
|Here's some comic relief because this is gonna be some heavy shit!|
Sharing my story has also become kind of a nuisance to me because I feel like I've shared it enough. So why continue?
I've been given several reasons but one is because there is more to my story that I don't believe is important to share BUT God does.
He sees an INTRICATE DETAIL that I am not able to see and if you know Jesus Christ personally then you will know that He is VERY DETAIL ORIENTATED. Like major OCD'ish. Worse than anyone I have ever known. Trust me. It's part of His character. Details are VERY important to Him. Especially when it comes to the care and well-being of His kids.
Anyways, I don't fully understand why I need to share the crap I had to walk through to get to where I am able to function with other human beings.
I really don't know how it will be beneficial for anyone, including myself, to continue sharing, publicly, more about my journey because I've already written about my flawed upbringing, the abuse I had to endure and how I overcame the "mentally ill" title I was given.
I feel like I have healed enough to function in society as a "sane" person. A person of peace whom no longer strives to cause or create drama.
But here I am. God's call for me has not changed.
Two months ago, in November, my brother (who was also one of my childhood sex offenders. I'm not ready to say the "R" word.) was sentenced to finally serve some prison time for his over 30 years of sexual offenses. I have already written about this in another post HERE.
After his year long court ordeal ending in him finally admitting guilt and all was said and done a part of me was convinced that I can now move on with my life.
I felt like I had done everything that I needed to do. I didn't stand on the sideline. I made the call. I stood alone. I cried in the nighttime and smiled in the daylight. I did my part. I fought hard and my battle was done.
I felt a great sense of relief knowing that he finally had a place that was no longer around children and where he could finally get HELP away from the family that enabled his actions.
But most importantly, for someone like me that had to deal with the shame of incest and the family looking the other way, that he would finally have a label that would hold him and those that chose to be around him ACCOUNTABLE for his actions.
Because prior to his imprisonment NOT ONE family member or friend stood by me when I called the police to report his abuse towards children. NOT ONE!!! NO ONE!
So, why am I still not free to move on with my life? Why have my nightmares not gone away? Why am I still triggered by horrible memories? Why am I still needing to drink myself to sleep? Why is suicide still at the forefront of my mind on most mornings?
Some mornings are easier than others but my recent mornings, especially since the new year, has been almost down right crippling.
Because ---> God's call on my life has not changed!
My brother going to jail and my family needing to face their part in his abuse has not changed God's call for me to continue sharing my testimony.
I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! It just hasn't.
Welcome to my life!
I'm Surina and I am a child of God trying to follow Jesus the best way I know how because -- IT'S PERSONAL!
BTW...if you don't like my word use then please feel free not to read my blogs because I'd rather write in honest form than try to please you. I will be addressing "words" in a later blog but for now this is me in a process towards further healing. I look forward to the day that my mouth stops cussing. But today is not that day. Goodbye!