Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Choosing to be a mom

On Mother's Day, I walked away from my pastor's sermon with a statement he made that just struck me and I couldn't shake it.

He said "being a mom is truly a STEP OF FAITH".

What a profound statement. At least for me. I've never seen motherhood as a "step of faith".

I've seen women pop out kids left and right then recklessly neglect them. No faith required. 

Then there are women like myself where it took over ten years to just conceive two kids.
Did that mean we had less faith because our wombs weren't fertile enough to become moms? Or did he mean -- to raise children of faith took a step of faith? 
I will assume that this is what he really meant because I do believe he is wise.

Anyways, as the day went forth, I could not help but be thrown back in time to think about the beginning of my journey to becoming a mom.
On this Sunday, I saw with my very own eyes that I had become the mom I thought I could NEVER be.

Through my walk with Jesus I've become the mom I've always wanted.
The mom I've always yearned for. The mom I've never had, will never have, but will strive to be.

My journey as "mom" has been extremely hard and it's taken a lot of faith to make the decisions I've had to make to be where I'm at today and to live the life I'm living.

Mother Day 2015: My son made me a candy bowl and my girl wrote me a book :) 

I've heard that the beginning of every journey is started with one step and it wasn't until Sunday that I realized that my one step, thirteen years ago, was "truly a step of faith". A step that changed the whole course of my life and all I had to do was... make the call.
It was a call to say "I'm keeping my son".
It was the HARDEST call I've ever had to make.
To me, it was a call of "I failed you, again".
A call of defeat.

You see, my son was suppose to be the bridge for me to have a "mom". Not be a mom.

I failed to execute the plan. A plan that was years in the making. A plan that was fueled years ago when I was just a young girl.

There was no question that my mother was to get my son to raise as her own. As it was a custom in our culture.
The moment she got the call that I was pregnant, she knew it was hers and she didn't even have to ask "if?" only "when?". My womb was hers.

But... I FAILED. Again.
I was so close and still failed.

I had flown across the country. I was only one flight away from the final destination. My mom was excited and prepared.

it took one person (during a layover) to open my eyes and speak to me with the heart of a mother. She knew what I was chasing after and she cared enough to tell me:
"he'll get what you got. She doesn't change. Think about it".

I did... I did... I did and she was was right.
Deep down, even as a young girl, I always knew the plan was flawed.

From the day my son was born I had refused to hold him unless he needed to be fed. I knew he wasn't mine but at that moment, in that room, with a plane ticket in one hand and his tiny hand in the other, I had a choice. To be a mom or gain a "brother". That was the custom. 

My brain scrambled for answers and I needed to make a decision, quickly. Time was running out.

To keep him would mean change and I had a career where I traveled 5-6 days a week. I didn't have time for a baby but the thought of him having a childhood like mine tormented me. I couldn't do it. Not to him.

I needed help in my final decision. I needed to call the man whose last words to me were "I hate you". I needed to call his dad.
I knew his dad would say yes to keeping him since he had been begging me to change my plans but I wasn't ready to be a mom and I didn't want to be with a man.

For the first time, on that day, I fully understood that my decision would affect someone completely innocent.  
Whether I wanted him or not. He was innocent. And he was here.  
Deep down I felt like I had been tricked. My choice of when to be a mom was stolen. I felt like I was locked in a prison with a baby I didn't want. I had no one to blame but myself.

I wanted a mother so badly that I was willing to believe in a lie. That day I failed everyone.

I was angry at myself and in my anger, I chose to parent a son. Then later, a daughter.
One born for barter and one born out of guilt.  
I wish it wasn't the case but to say otherwise would be a lie.

Mother's Day 2015
What I never wanted was what I really needed. God in His mercy knew I needed to learn about Him through them. 

Physically, I was fine but emotionally and spiritually -- I was a huge mess. I didn't know anything about being a parent and my kids deserved so much better than what I had to offer. That is where Jesus came in:
  • I didn't know how to love so -- He taught me how to love them.
  • I didn't know peace so -- He gave me peace to be patient with them.
  • I didn't know how to fight for them so -- He gave me strength to do what needed to get done.
  • I didn't know how to raise them so -- He guided me to caring for their needs.
  • I didn't know if I could trust Him so -- He spoke to me throughout the day.
  • I didn't know how to work together with their father so -- He taught me how to pray.
  • I didn't know what I was doing so -- He used His people to show me how near He was.
The people He used were not in the church because I wouldn't go to a church until years into my parenting. I don't even know if the people used knew God but God used them in my life and I'm so grateful for them and their willingness to help me.

God even used their father to help me become a better mother. So, I married him. :)
I do not fully understand why God entrusted me with two amazing kids but He did.

Now, all I can do is raise them up and send them out. 
I want them to give back to the people that helped me be the mom that they received.
That's it. 
Train them up in the Word of God and send them out in Jesus name.

So to be a mom truly does take faith -- if you're raising children to walk against the flow of the social filth being shoved in their faces each and every day.
Yeah, to raise strong kids that love God is truly a "step of faith".

"Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."~Psalm 22:6

My Prayer:
Father God, Please help me to be a good steward of the kids you have entrusted to me. Give me strength to raise them for You. Your way, not mine.