Why would a 13 year-old try to kill herself?

Answer: The same reason I stopped talking to my dad for 18 years. The same reason I went from being a silent, robotic, subservient young girl who obeyed the adults in her life to being a destructive, suicidal, belligerent nightmare who trusted no one.

One word:

BELONGING

I didn't plan for my first YouTube video to be on this bench but I just realized that this seat was in memory of a Ms. Potter.

I believe that at the end of the day every human wants to know:

• where they belong.
• why they belong there. 
• and... to whom do they belong to.

I believe that if you can't answer those three questions within yourself and have it be THE CORE FOUNDATION for how you operate in every day life, then a sense of hopelessness begins to grow VERY DEEP ROOTS within your subconscious until you see no reason to belong anywhere. NOWHERE.
If you belong nowhere, then no one will miss you. You don't matter. Your existence is futile. Death is best.
 
My first suicide attempt was at 13 years-old. Before that I had only done things to numb the pain of the life that I had received (i.e. pills, alcohol, smoking, cutting, etc..).
I believed that I belonged to my parents and that as long as I belonged there I needed to just survive and keep trying to be available to them when they NEEDED me.

I was very well trained to obey whatever I was told by elders because my parents needed me to be respectfully obedient. No matter what.
I was very well trained to serve and meet the needs of others without ever thinking of my own needs because my needs are really their needs.  
Servants serve. They have no need to receive. I was to have no needs but to be needed. That was my purpose because of who I "believed" I belonged to within the family I was given. They were my parents and I was their kid. My purpose was to obey them because I belonged to them. Right??

I was Wrong!!

Everything that I was very well trained in was not a bad thing because it taught me perseverance and hard work, however;  I was never given nor shown any boundaries that were beneficial to my well-being. I was raised to give and any form of receiving came at a cost. A cost that stripped away my ability to feel.


I believe that I was not given beneficial boundaries because first you need to be SEEN as someone that not only was needed where you were but that you also belonged there.
The purpose of you being somewhere is because you belong there and when you belong there (anywhere) you are then GIVEN a reason to grow and thrive by the ones who SEE your purpose of being there.
That "seeing" of belonging is an affirmation of your place within that group or family. It is then supposed to be acknowledged to the outside world that you belong to this group or family.
It's supposed to show that you have a home. You belong there with them. They are your people.

Unfortunately, I and most kids that are abandoned to the mercy of this world miss out on this sense of belonging. It's a pain filled existence. 

BUT... that's where my hope and faith in Jesus comes in.

Every time I sat down to write this story I couldn't put into words what happened that day without bawling and I would pull back and so... I made it my first YouTube video.

Since it was the day my whole life changed I might as well share it in my own words.
Besides, I was once told that if I can share my story without crying then I have been healed. I WANT TO BE HEALED! I want to speak of my past without ever shedding a tear. I am so close...

My suicide story: Why would a 13 year-old try to kill herself?

"as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand" ~Jeremiah 18:6