"Coming Out" for Christ's sake

Trying to share (in written form) how I came to accept Jesus's gift of salvation is really hard when I'm NOT willing to share in what way He reached out to me. 

How He delivered Christ's Gospel to me was done with such meticulous love and care that I am in AWE of His gracious MERCY.

When I think back to that day, in that hotel room, I can't help but say "THANK YOU JESUS!!!"

 So, this blog is a "coming out" of sort, which shouldn't be a shock for those who personally know me.

"Surina, I perfectly love you!"

In order for me to SHARE Jesus honestly and to WALK boldly for Him I must COME OUT and "walk in the Light" of Who I say I serve, love and trust.

Jesus said: “If you love Me, keep My commandments."- John 14:15

I do love Him AND I want to keep His commandments.  

I want my words to match my actions.

After my last blog I realized that I couldn't continue writing and I couldn't boldly share Jesus because my WHOLE walk with Him always came down to ONE issue that I was trying to ignore: homosexuality. 

I believed that since I was no longer in that lifestyle it didn't need to be spoken about but I'm wrong because I'm hiding.  

In Christ there is no such thing as hiding. 

I never thought that I would share or need to share this part of my past so publicly and so much out of my control but because I am CHOOSING to walk closer with Jesus, He has brought this part of my life to the surface.

 

Okay! Here I go...

Homosexuality has been a part of me since childhood and I honestly can't believe that the strength of my whole walk with Jesus is hinged on whether or not to write about this ONE ISSUE but...  

OBEDIENCE is where I'm at in this journey.

My disobedience has been very destructive.  

Instead of pushing through the pain and writing about it I resorted back into my normal reaction of being very angry with God. I've been doing all sorts of good things and still He was sending me back. It wasn't fair. I distanced myself from Him hoping that somehow His peace would go with me but It didn't. 

I began to spiral into another deep depression. I isolated myself and reverted to self-harm.

This destructive cycle has repeated itself for 3 years (on and off since my first blog) and with every cycle I became more suicidal and contemplated going back on my medication just because my kids would sense that something was very wrong in me.  

My kids are very intuitive, especially with me, because I'm always very honest with them; even to a fault.

Even though I would smile, on the inside I was a suicidal mess and they could tell.

To make matters worse, God had called me to attend a new church and it was HARD. The people didn't know me so for the first time since coming to Christ, I created an "I'm fine" church mask. A mask I hated and didn't wear well. 

My bad situation instantly became worse. 

However, I stayed obedient in knowing that He had sent me there.

I was at a new church around new people in a new season of growth and I was not liking it at all. 

Every Sunday I tried to glean some hope of how I could "maneuver" (more like manipulate) my walk with Jesus.

Every Sunday the pastor would preach something that SCREAMED: 

"SURINA, GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF THE BOAT AND STOP YOUR WHINING! THERE ARE PEOPLE TO BE SAVED! THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOU! NOW, GET TO WORK!!!"

Okay, he doesn't really say it in those words but he might as well. He was so convicting. I hated him. Not really but you know what I mean. 

Honestly, Jesus knew exactly what I needed to hear and what would grow me. 

I got the message LOUD and clear. I didn't like it BUT I heard Him.

A few months ago my 13 year-old son called me out on my hypocrisy (I'll blog about it someday). It was a painful day for both of us because I'm hurting my kids by running away but God used the events of that day to speak directly to the FEAR inside of me and it made me stop long enough to ask God "what do you want me to share?"

• I believe that I was BORN to walk with those broken in the area of homosexuality.
• I believe that I was BORN to bring the hope of Jesus Christ to those TRULY seeking Him in a world where homosexuality and blatant sin against the ways of God are becoming a norm. 

LORD YOUR WILL, Not mine! LET IT BE!

Like the prophet Isaiah, I sit here and write today in BIG, BOLD LETTERS:

“Here am I! Send me.”- Isaiah 6:8

To where? I have no idea. For what? No clue BUT...  I KNOW HE IS WITH ME!!

Now that I've written this I'm praying that my WILLINGNESS will cause the fears in my heart to fade to a stronger faith and my walk with Jesus will be BOLDER. 

I want to serve Jesus unhindered and SHAME FREE!!! :)

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."- John 8:36

AMEN!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!