Friday, September 11, 2015

Writing down my journey

I've had several dreams this week about writing and in my dreams I was very prepared to write whatever I was writing and I was okay with whatever was going on. I then woke up.

My reality is: I don't enjoy writing about my life and what God has taught me in the process! It's painful and I see it as a useless waste of time to share so much darkness, in written form. I can talk to others about it but I just can't write it.
When I talk about my journey then I can make it sound better than it was or laugh off the most painful parts and the hearer can see that it wasn't that bad. I want them to hear how God pulled me out of such a mess. I want them to overlook the dark stuff and when I see that they are hurt or bothered, I want to be there to fix it. I can control the situation.

But writing is different. I don't get to control how my story is read. I don't get to see a readers face. I don't get to laugh off the painful parts. I don't get to explain why the people in my life were so hurtful or why I was so hurtful. Justifications are out the window. I only get to write and wait for God to do His part.
I have NO control. None, zilch, nada, nothing, zero control and it's TERRIFYING. I only get to trust Him. And for me, that is the most agonizing part of writing my journey.

So, if it's so agonizing for me to do, then why do it??
Because, I would be in complete disobedience to the God I say I love and serve if I did not share the journey He has me on. I WANT TO BE OBEDIENT.
I don't want to call my God a liar. He is trustworthy and He has proven His faithfulness to me countless times and yet, I call him a liar when I don't trust Him.
Satan is the king of liars and I don't serve him but when I give in to my fears then by default he is who I'm trusting.
My last blogs took such an emotional toll on me that I stopped. The spiritual warfare was so heavy that I couldn't breathe. I would get anxiety just thinking about blogging and then tell God that maybe I heard him wrong. Then I would ask Him to redirect me and well, here I am. He redirected me right back here. :)

So, my hope and prayer for this blog is that God has His way with it. And that my faith will grow unimaginably. That a year from now I will look back and be absolutely astounded by His mighty works and that the dreams I have had this week will be made TRUE.

One day I will wake up and be prepared to write and I will be okay because I serve a God who loves me. I'm His girl. 


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