Salvation Day: Okay, Jesus, show me what You got!

"Jesus can heal you everywhere you hurt"

I'll NEVER forget those words!

The day I heard those words was just an ordinary work day. My flight arrived in Raleigh-Durham North Carolina on a sunny late-afternoon. Our team was to be there until late afternoon the next day. We had just begun the first leg of our trips and so jet lag had yet to set in.

I did my usual routine when I entered my hotel room. 

First, I would always turn on the television to a news station because I needed to know where I was at and what was happening locally. 

As the news would play in the background, I would unpack my belongings, change out of my uniform, and call up room service for a meal. 

That was my ordinary routine.

But this was NOT to be an ordinary day because when I turned on the television the screen displayed NOTHING but the blur of black and white:

Yup! Just like that...

Of course I didn't think anything of it. I just clicked the button until I could find a channel that worked and within minutes a channel appeared and I heard the words that would change my life FOREVER: "Jesus can heal you everywhere you hurt"

Now, you would think that those words would have been welcomed by someone that obviously had a lot of hurts but NOPE. My reaction was more like a "hell to the F*ck no!"  

The name of Jesus was not welcomed!!!

From the time of watching the laughable horror movie(Stigmata) to the time of standing in front of that fuzzy television screen, I had encountered enough pushy, arrogant "jesus freaks" to make me sick. 

A week prior, during a flight, I encountered a "very popular gospel group" (their words, not mine) that was shocked that I didn't know who they were because they were "famous". As a flight attendant I meet a lot of people and some were very famous but these "jesus singers" were the most obnoxious and rude passengers I had ever encountered. 

Their entitled arrogance was disgusting. I didn't want to hear nothing more about this jesus or his freakish people. I was sick of ALL of it. 

So, standing in front of the television that day and hearing the name of Jesus was not what I wanted.

I continued to try and find a different channel but that was the only channel working. I, irritatingly, called the front desk and demanded that someone fix my television or move me to a different room. The lady said that she would send up a maintenance man within 15 minutes.

After I hung up the phone, I reached for the remote to turn off the television BUT before I could, I heard a man's voice come out of this person that looked like a woman on the screen.  

Seriously, I thought that I was seeing (for the first time ever) a transvestite talking about a God. 
I was so stunned that I wanted to know MORE about this God that he was speaking of.

Well, what I thought was a "he/she" was actually a she/she with a very husky man-like voice BUT before I figured out that she was in fact a female -- it was too late -- I had received the gospel of Jesus Christ and why He came into the world.

Within those minutes she shared her testimony about sexual abuse, incest, shameful family secrets and the role her parents played. She also shared how Jesus entered her life and put her on a journey to freedom.

She then invited anyone in the audience who was ready to pray the prayer that starts "The Journey" that allows Jesus to start working. She called it "The Prayer of Salvation."

I was about to pray it BUT there was a knock at my door, it was the maintenance man. He entered and I led him to the television, handed him the remote and as he clicked the buttons... every channel worked. Every single one worked perfectly. It was so embarrassing. And I don't embarrass easily.

Feeling like an idiot, I took the remote in my hand and clicked through the channels. Seeing nothing wrong, I apologized for wasting his time and swore that I wasn't crazy.

After he left, I turned back to the channel that I had been watching and hoped that I had not missed too much but it was too late. The show was over and all I got was was the name of the speaker -- Joyce Meyer:

The short hair and husky voice really threw me off. I can't be the only one :(

Disappointed, I called my boyfriend to share what had happened and to ask if he had ever heard of Joyce Meyer or this thing called "the prayer of salvation."  

He said: Joyce Meyer? No. Prayer of salvation? Yes.  

He then explained what it was and why it was needed. I asked him if he could do it with me over the phone. He obliged. 

Before we started, I asked if there was a certain posture I was suppose to be in and he explained that it didn't matter because this prayer was a "postured matter of the heart." 

I had no idea what he was talking about but because I was raised to kneel when praying, I knelt beside the hotel bed as he guided me in praying for salvation.

Within minutes we were done and I asked him what was suppose to happen and he explained that accepting Jesus is different for everyone because it's "personal". Jesus IS a RELATIONSHIP -- NOT a RELIGION. I didn't understand.

After that day I was expecting some sort of super power to help me sleep and change my behaviors BUT that was not the case. 

I still had to drink in order to sleep and my behavior became more violent. It was like I had become worse. I was still a horrible, angry, abusive, manipulative alcoholic. 

NOTHING HAD CHANGED.... so I thought. 

Within a month, I discovered that I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. FINALLY.

And with that information, I no longer had a need for my "boyfriend". 

He became useless to the furtherance of my plans. I blogged about this earlier in choosing-to-be-mom 

Anyways, it wasn't until a whole decade later that God started to show me the significance of that salvation prayer.  

What I thought was a silly and useless prayer was actually the prayer that set me free. Jesus really had entered and started working in me and I had no idea.

I'm still a broken mess with LOTS of past garbage that God needs to continue cleaning out BUT what I have discovered is that He's willing as long as I'm willing to allow Him to continue His work. 

There is less and less garbage as I allow Him to have His way and that gives me so much hope for the future.

I don't deserve the life I have or the family I got BUT in His grace and mercy He saw something of value in me. 

I don't fully see it but I'm glad that I don't need to see it in order for Him to do with me what He wills. 

He only asks me to be OBEDIENT and TRUST Him. So, HERE I AM! 

I blog my mess and wait on Him to do whatever He needs to do with it.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."~ Jeremiah 29:11

  

"Coming Out" for Christ's sake

Trying to share (in written form) how I came to accept Jesus's gift of salvation is really hard when I'm NOT willing to share in what way He reached out to me. 

How He delivered Christ's Gospel to me was done with such meticulous love and care that I am in AWE of His gracious MERCY.

When I think back to that day, in that hotel room, I can't help but say "THANK YOU JESUS!!!"

 So, this blog is a "coming out" of sort, which shouldn't be a shock for those who personally know me.

"Surina, I perfectly love you!"

In order for me to SHARE Jesus honestly and to WALK boldly for Him I must COME OUT and "walk in the Light" of Who I say I serve, love and trust.

Jesus said: “If you love Me, keep My commandments."- John 14:15

I do love Him AND I want to keep His commandments.  

I want my words to match my actions.

After my last blog I realized that I couldn't continue writing and I couldn't boldly share Jesus because my WHOLE walk with Him always came down to ONE issue that I was trying to ignore: homosexuality. 

I believed that since I was no longer in that lifestyle it didn't need to be spoken about but I'm wrong because I'm hiding.  

In Christ there is no such thing as hiding. 

I never thought that I would share or need to share this part of my past so publicly and so much out of my control but because I am CHOOSING to walk closer with Jesus, He has brought this part of my life to the surface.

 

Okay! Here I go...

Homosexuality has been a part of me since childhood and I honestly can't believe that the strength of my whole walk with Jesus is hinged on whether or not to write about this ONE ISSUE but...  

OBEDIENCE is where I'm at in this journey.

My disobedience has been very destructive.  

Instead of pushing through the pain and writing about it I resorted back into my normal reaction of being very angry with God. I've been doing all sorts of good things and still He was sending me back. It wasn't fair. I distanced myself from Him hoping that somehow His peace would go with me but It didn't. 

I began to spiral into another deep depression. I isolated myself and reverted to self-harm.

This destructive cycle has repeated itself for 3 years (on and off since my first blog) and with every cycle I became more suicidal and contemplated going back on my medication just because my kids would sense that something was very wrong in me.  

My kids are very intuitive, especially with me, because I'm always very honest with them; even to a fault.

Even though I would smile, on the inside I was a suicidal mess and they could tell.

To make matters worse, God had called me to attend a new church and it was HARD. The people didn't know me so for the first time since coming to Christ, I created an "I'm fine" church mask. A mask I hated and didn't wear well. 

My bad situation instantly became worse. 

However, I stayed obedient in knowing that He had sent me there.

I was at a new church around new people in a new season of growth and I was not liking it at all. 

Every Sunday I tried to glean some hope of how I could "maneuver" (more like manipulate) my walk with Jesus.

Every Sunday the pastor would preach something that SCREAMED: 

"SURINA, GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF THE BOAT AND STOP YOUR WHINING! THERE ARE PEOPLE TO BE SAVED! THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOU! NOW, GET TO WORK!!!"

Okay, he doesn't really say it in those words but he might as well. He was so convicting. I hated him. Not really but you know what I mean. 

Honestly, Jesus knew exactly what I needed to hear and what would grow me. 

I got the message LOUD and clear. I didn't like it BUT I heard Him.

A few months ago my 13 year-old son called me out on my hypocrisy (I'll blog about it someday). It was a painful day for both of us because I'm hurting my kids by running away but God used the events of that day to speak directly to the FEAR inside of me and it made me stop long enough to ask God "what do you want me to share?"

• I believe that I was BORN to walk with those broken in the area of homosexuality.
• I believe that I was BORN to bring the hope of Jesus Christ to those TRULY seeking Him in a world where homosexuality and blatant sin against the ways of God are becoming a norm. 

LORD YOUR WILL, Not mine! LET IT BE!

Like the prophet Isaiah, I sit here and write today in BIG, BOLD LETTERS:

“Here am I! Send me.”- Isaiah 6:8

To where? I have no idea. For what? No clue BUT...  I KNOW HE IS WITH ME!!

Now that I've written this I'm praying that my WILLINGNESS will cause the fears in my heart to fade to a stronger faith and my walk with Jesus will be BOLDER. 

I want to serve Jesus unhindered and SHAME FREE!!! :)

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."- John 8:36

AMEN!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Jesus Christ, I thought I knew You

Before I start I want to share Jesus's words about the "MANY " people that profess to KNOW Him but they DO NOT and yet, they teach Him as if they do. Jesus warned His disciples about false prophets when He walked this earth. If we heed to His warnings then we are His disciples and if not, then we never knew Him. Here are four translations:

Matthew 7:21-23 

*(King James Version)
²¹ Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
²² Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
²³ And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

*(The Living Bible Version)

²¹ “Not all who sound religious are really godly people. They may refer to me as ‘Lord,’ but still won’t get to heaven. For the decisive question is whether they obey my Father in heaven. ²² At the Judgment^[a] many will tell me, ‘Lord, Lord, we told others about you and used your name to cast out demons and to do many other great miracles.’ ²³ But I will reply, ‘You have never been mine.^[b] Go away, for your deeds are evil.’ 
  
*(New Living Translation Version)

²¹ “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. ²² On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ ²³ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’

And a most modern version I like:

*(The Message Version)
^21-23 “Knowing the correct password—saying ‘Master, Master,’ for instance—isn’t going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience—doing what my Father wills. I can see it now—at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, ‘Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.’ And do you know what I am going to say? ‘You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don’t impress me one bit. You’re out of here.’ 


The Point of this scripture is simple: Just because someone says Jesus's name DOES NOT mean that they KNOW Him. They only know OF Him.

 Here is how I got introduced to Jesus.

Jesus drew me very gently and in different stages before I ever said my first "yes" to Him.
I believe that Jesus does this for us that have been horribly wounded by the church. Especially as little children. Children are VERY precious to the LORD and when they are hurt by those leaders that misrepresent Him, it is no small deal.
 
I don't like to remember my past and how much I had a very DEEP hate for God and His people. But if I don't go there, I can take for granted the MERCY he has given me to walk alongside Him in the life I live today. I've already blogged about the hate (lets-address-hating-god) so I won't go into it again.

Today, I want to share how I learned about:

• The Jesus I "thought" I knew. The "one" I was taught about and grew up with. 
• The "jesus" I was forced to submit to and fear, so I wouldn't go to hell. 
• The "jesus" that stared back at me from a cross statue to remind me that I should feel ashamed for being a sinner and grateful for his sacrifice. 
• The "jesus" that I was made to kneel and pray to for the sin of being born alive.

This was the "jesus" represented to me and so I grew up to mock, hate, and despise him and his people. He was a bully and I didn't want anything to do with him.

Then one day I was told about a movie that showed the evil corruption of the church and it's leaders.
For someone like me, that's all I needed to hear.

The year was 2001, sometime in February. I had a few days off work and my boyfriend and I decided to rent the horror movie Stigmata.

Classified as a horror. Ha, what a joke! Terrible movie!

I was raised in a very religious environment and so I fully enjoyed movies that poked at the church. The word "church" alone made me mad. It was a word that conjured up painful memories of humiliation and perversion. I hated the church and the leaders were the WORST. 
So, I was expecting this movie to justify my emotions and solidify my beliefs that the church was evil.

Here's what happened:

As the movie started I was expecting it to be a horror movie but it was too funny, the acting was horrible and the cast was just wrong for their parts. I started to tune out but something caught my attention. It was the last wound. The wound to Jesus's side. I had no idea that Jesus had a wound on His side but not just any wound -- BUT -- His last wound.

I don't know what it was about not knowing of His last wound that made my WHOLE brain just STOP.

As the movie was playing I sat and literally went back in my memory-bank and tried really hard to think about a time that I had seen or heard any mention of His LAST wound. Where the LAST DROP OF BLOOD came out of Him.

I was raised with lots of pictures and statues of the bloodied crucified "jesus" and so I should know. If I really "KNEW" Jesus then I would know about the last wound and WHY such an infliction was made, right?
I grew up in the church for gods sake. I had nuns and priests for teachers so, I should know about this.

Not knowing this for some odd reason really bothered me.

I gave up trying to remember and told my boyfriend what I didn't know. He just looked at me and said "yeah, they needed to make sure that he was dead....".

As he was explaining to me Jesus's last day I was stunned that he knew anything about Jesus or church or God. We had been living together for about five months and he had never talked to me about his religious beliefs or a god. I had never asked. It didn't matter and now... I was curious.

I asked him how he knew all this stuff about Jesus. He simply got up from the couch, went into our bedroom and came back with a Bible.
First off, I was shocked that there was a Bible in my apartment and that this man had it in his possessions. 
Yes, I was weirded out by this because now I knew why he was so damn weird when I met him. The way we met was even weirder. Lord willing I'll blog about it some day because that boyfriend is now my husband. :)

Anyways, when he opened up his Bible I was horrified that he had written and marked all over in it. When I asked him why he did that he simply said "it's my notes."

I then explained to him that I was raised in a religion where only the priest was allowed to read and interpret the Bible. We were to listen to him speak and trust his teachings. So, I had never touched or read a Bible for myself. Not even in the private Catholic school I attended.
I told him that his Bible is the first that I had ever laid my own eyes on.

He then opened it to the book of John and showed me the passage that was about Jesus's crucifixion. I didn't read it. I just took the Book in my hands and flipped through the pages. Not really reading anything but just looking at everything. Really getting a feel of it in my hands.

I then closed the Book and ended the discussion about Jesus as the movie ended.

I never watched Stigmata again. I don't really remember the movie at all. I do know though that that movie left me with one question -- who is Jesus? Really? Who is He?  

Because the one I was told and taught about -- was not Him!

In the following days we never talked about God, his Bible or the movie again. I also wasn't as mad at Jesus as I was prior to the movie because I couldn't be mad at someone I didn't really even know.

I only wanted to be happy and to go about my business as normal. No more talks about Jesus or a god or anything. Back to my life as usual. I had everything I needed.

Everything was fine for a couple days until I found a card that was left for me in my galley that read:

"If we meet and you forget me, you have lost nothing; but if you meet JESUS CHRIST and forget Him you have lost everything."

All the sudden everything was not fine.

I put the card in my bag and never looked at it again BUT it got me thinking -- Who is this JESUS CHRIST???

 

Writing down my journey

I've had several dreams this week about writing and in my dreams I was very prepared to write whatever I was writing and I was okay with whatever was going on. I then woke up.

My reality is: I don't enjoy writing about my life and what God has taught me in the process! It's painful and I see it as a useless waste of time to share so much darkness, in written form. I can talk to others about it but I just can't write it.
When I talk about my journey then I can make it sound better than it was or laugh off the most painful parts and the hearer can see that it wasn't that bad. I want them to hear how God pulled me out of such a mess. I want them to overlook the dark stuff and when I see that they are hurt or bothered, I want to be there to fix it. I can control the situation.

But writing is different. I don't get to control how my story is read. I don't get to see a readers face. I don't get to laugh off the painful parts. I don't get to explain why the people in my life were so hurtful or why I was so hurtful. Justifications are out the window. I only get to write and wait for God to do His part.
I have NO control. None, zilch, nada, nothing, zero control and it's TERRIFYING. I only get to trust Him. And for me, that is the most agonizing part of writing my journey.

So, if it's so agonizing for me to do, then why do it??
Because, I would be in complete disobedience to the God I say I love and serve if I did not share the journey He has me on. I WANT TO BE OBEDIENT.
I don't want to call my God a liar. He is trustworthy and He has proven His faithfulness to me countless times and yet, I call him a liar when I don't trust Him.
Satan is the king of liars and I don't serve him but when I give in to my fears then by default he is who I'm trusting.

My last blogs took such an emotional toll on me that I stopped. The spiritual warfare was so heavy that I couldn't breathe. I would get anxiety just thinking about blogging and then tell God that maybe I heard him wrong. Then I would ask Him to redirect me and well, here I am. He redirected me right back here. :)

So, my hope and prayer for this blog is that God has His way with it. And that my faith will grow unimaginably. That a year from now I will look back and be absolutely astounded by His mighty works and that the dreams I have had this week will be made TRUE.

One day I will wake up and be prepared to write and I will be okay because I serve a God who loves me. I'm His girl.