When the devil's move is obvious

Have you ever gotten into a fight with someone and in the midst of the fight, out of nowhere, your adversary attacks you in a way that you know -- that you KNOW -- they have come to a place of desperation because they're losing ground and they don't know what else to do but make stuff up???
And right when you thought that they were winning the fight and you were growing weary, all of a sudden you gain a burst of energy and strength and you can't help but bust up LAUGHING...?
BUT... not just any old laugh though; ohhh, no... it's a bust-a-gut-laugh-out-loud-utter-relief laugh in knowing that you were just being hit by an inflatable kiddie bat?
You know the annoying ones you win at the fair and it squeaks when it makes contact with it's target? Yeah, those ones.

Well, several weeks ago I was feeling like a complete failure and wondering if I'm really hearing God correctly in my decisions. Decisions that make no sense to me and where I felt like I was walking in the dark with only a voice directing me. I was struggling to separate His voice from my own and doubting my closeness to Him. Where is He!?

Then all of a sudden I see a light of Hope.

“I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” ~John 8:12

When I first decided to be a follower of Jesus Christ I was NEVER warned that I had also entered into a spiritual war. And that this war between good and evil, right and wrong, light and darkness has existed since the beginning of mankind.
This war happens on a DAILY BASIS and most people have no idea that they're involved in it no matter if they believe in a god or not.
Those who are made aware have a choice to fight or die. Sounds dramatic, huh? It is.

We have a REAL enemy out there that hates us and will do anything, in his (limited) power, to take us out of our God-given purpose. His job is to make our lives a living hell through deceitful lies planted in our minds.     

Well, it has taken me several years in my walk to REALLY recognize this enemy.
He has several names: Lucifer, Satan, father of Lies, etc.... you get the idea.
I call him the devil and I have, for the most part, chosen to ignore him.

I never wanted to give him any credit or acknowledge him in any way just in case God was testing my faith or disciplining me for being self centered. 

Well, this time I will give credit where credit is due because he must be getting desperate for my attention to recognize his presence and give him some acknowledgement.

Okay then... hello stupid!

"I keep my eyes always on the LORD..." ~Psalm 16:8

Wow...really!!!?

That was my exact thought when I opened my email that morning to receive my daily devotions.

I couldn't help but bust out in laughter because over a year ago I would've fallen straight in the hole of darkness I have been scraping to come out of.

You see, I had NEVER in my over 25 years of having an email account gotten anything so blatantly pornographic. Ever! In almost 3 decades!
Even when I was not following Christ and living in that lifestyle did I even receive any porn.
I've got great filters for this junk but somehow it got through for the first time ever and (I believe) that because God knew this day was going to come, at this very difficult season in my life where I'm left very vulnerable to sexual sin, He made sure I was protected in every possible way with His word and His people.

For the past 2 years I've sat in a room to learn about sexual purity and relational wholeness and for the first time ever I felt the need to ask my group to hold me accountable for porn and masturbation every week since my husband and I were abstaining from sex until we went through counseling.

This would be, for me, the first time in my life that I would walk out sexual purity. It was really strange because my first memory in life was sexual. Sexual immorality was very normalized for me. I recognize it fairly quickly.

Purity is what's foriegn to me. I had to learn about purity.

And then what made me laugh even more was the scripture that Christine had right below them. Psalm 16 is all about the hope of the faithful and the Messiah's victory.

It's all about our victory in Jesus. 

That morning I laid there after a few minutes laughing and just felt the joy of the Lord pour His salve on my heart. He was SO near and because of Him...

I survived this battle.

Psalm 16 (NKJV)

1 Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust. 
² O my soul, you have said to the Lord,

“You are my Lord,
My goodness is nothing apart from You.”
³ As for the saints who are on the earth,
“They are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.”

⁴ Their sorrows shall be multiplied who hasten after another god;
Their drink offerings of blood I will not offer,
Nor take up their names on my lips.

⁵ O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You maintain my lot.
⁶ The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Yes, I have a good inheritance.

⁷ I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;
My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.
⁸ I have set the Lord always before me;
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will rest in hope.
¹⁰ For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.
¹¹ You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Before all my parents die

After my last blog I found a lot of relief and comfort in knowing that there are others out there with messed up beginnings like mine and, like me, they're trying to change that mess into a message of hope and healing for others.

It's very encouraging and healing. 

I miss my dad terribly and talking about him has gotten easier especially knowing that I have a tribe out there who understands the complexities of our story.
I know that my story will not be very common in it's totality but I want the parts that people can relate to to be heard.

Who knows... I may have been created to have several tribes.

For instance, I'm a throwaway and not everyone is a throwaway and so one of my tribes could possibly be a ban of orphans, state juvinials, adoptees, loners, introverts, isolated peeps, and so on and so forth.

Along with that messy tribe then you've got the child abused tribe (sexual, spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological, etc...) you get the idea.
Doctors and so called experts have called my abuse "extreme" and have placed labels on me like "bipolar", "manic...", "compulsive..." "victim...". Got the idea? Good because their list of labels for me goes on.
It's their list. NOT MINE!
I've had to fight long and hard to not internalize their labels upon myself and to remain free of their prescriptions.

And last but not least is, what I believe, will be my most important tribe and that is my ragtag team of messed up parents tribe. This tribe will most likely consist of adults that have grown up in homes having addict parents, religious parents, atheist parents, gay parents, divorced, cheating, abusive, domineering, good grief.... the list goes on about bad parents.

I have yet to meet anyone who has been given the diverse group of parents that I was given BUT I KNOW YOUR OUT THERE. Somewhere.

I really want to find you. The journey of life is easier when you've got company.

So, lets continue... 

because I don't want to travel alone!

"Son, even if your father and I abandon you, the Lord will hold you close" ~Psalm 27:10*

Yesterday I was reading a memoir that really got me thinking about how important it is for me to write out my story before the rest of my parents die.

I've actually read several memoirs about kids growing up and finally when their parents die they all of a sudden want to write about the horrors of their childhood and making peace with what happened.

I don't like that AT ALL!!!

There's always two sides to a story and that's where I come in.
Plus, I don't like the idea of poking at someone's character behind their back especially when they're dead.

NO WAY!!!

I want them alive and able to respond to me. I'm not scared.

I ain't waiting until they die. I want to make my peace with them while they're still alive and have the opportunity to change the course of our (currently nonexistent) relationship.
Hey, a girl can hope. I mean for goodness-sake they're suppose to be my parents. The ones that should love me the most.

I don't want to wait until they're all dead for me to allow them the chance to know that I forgive them and that I'm thankful for my life and that (God willing) I am willing to have some kind of cordial relationship.

Out of the five parents I received, the three parents that remain are "the ones" whose decisions have impacted my life the most. They are my two mothers and my biological father.

I don't want them to die not knowing the impact of their choices.
I want to give them an opportunity to change the direction of how I tell my story years from now. Lord willing.

Nothing from the past can be changed BUT there is a God being glorified through the pain of my life.

"Angel, even if your father and I abandon you, the Lord will hold you close" ~Psalm 27:10*

Parenting is hard. I get it.

• I want them to know what I learned from their abuse, neglect, abandonment and rejection. 

• I want them to know that their hate has taught me how to love. 

• I want them to know that their abuse has forced me to fight against abusive situations because I know how negatively it effect children in every aspect of their life.

• I want them to know how their racism, partiality and biases have taught me to be more inclusive with others especially with how I teach my own kids to see other races and classes.

• I want them to know that I learned a lot about the destructive aftermath that takes place when you're not faithful in your marriage. My pain-filled childhood going through two divorces and then being blamed for the first one keeps me aware of never blaming my marital problems on my kids.

• I want them to know that I survived the destruction of their choices and that it has become a catalyst for how I parent my kids, how I function as a wife, how I serve my community, and how I serve, walk, and breathe my Lord and Savior:

Jesus Christ.

Last but not least... I want to be FREE!

NO FEAR

NO PAIN

NO HURT

 NO HATE

NO BLAME

I want nothing that is short of what Christ died to give me!

 

(*) verses were personalized.

Rina, burn the f*cking boat!

It's been 2 years since he's been gone.
Every Father's Day I remember 2 major events in my life: my daughter's birth (2006) and my dad's death (2015). Both events were life changing. I grieved both days.

To share the story of either events would always be a showcase of God's grace, mercy and love to the listener. But, for me; pain.
Of course the pain is only there until I receive revelation into God's bigger plan and then... AWE envelops me BUT the "awe" only comes as I trust Him with the pain. 

My dad. God's broken vessel.

For the past few weeks I've been in a state of pure sadness. A depression.

I struggle to share how unconventional my relationship with my dad was because I don't believe anyone would understand.

However, I was told that I don't need to make others understand. I just need to tell my story.


Last Father's Day I told myself that I would blog about my last dad but I struggled to find words to write.
Then I thought that I'd do it on his birthday but September came and went. Then I thought maybe it'll be best to write about him on military holidays because he was a veteran but those days  came and went. Then I thought  maybe Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years would be best.

With each day that passed I got even more hesitant to write about him. I kept procrastinating because  I couldn't seem to say or write about him like I did with my other dad.
My other dad was easy to write about but not this one.

I thought that time would make it easier to talk and write about him but it's not. 

Then this Father's Day, as I was preparing to celebrate my daughter's first birthday party which she had to share with her dad and grandfather, I was listening to a podcast and I heard the speaker describe what missionaries would do to show their commitment to follow through on a task to take over an island for the gospel of Jesus.

The missionaries would "burn their boats" so that they would not have any way of backing down from their calling.
As I was listening to this story I immediately saw in my mind my dad's head hung down in disappointment as he said to me in his own way (the way I remember him):

"Rina, burn the f*cking boat!"

I couldn't help but burst into tears because I knew exactly how weak my Christian walk had become. I was already disappointed in myself. I've been hiding. Cowaring in defeat because of fear.

I didn't want to talk about him or the things that he had taught me about life because he was wrong.
I loved him and I wanted to protect him by being silent but I know that if he were here today knowing what he knows now about Jesus, he would be very disappointed in me.
In fact, I believe my mother would also be disappointed in me if they heard my current whiny prayers.  They didn't raise me to whine and cower. Not even to them.

I was raised to fight. Everything. Whether I'm right or wrong, it didn't matter, I was to fight. 

In my mind I could see me sitting with my dad as a young girl on the porch having a cigarette and drink together.
I thought about what our conversation would sound like today and he would tell me to fight. He would tell me that he is okay now and that he wants me to use our relationship to help others to come to know the saving grace of Jesus. His Savior who grabbed him at the eleventh hour.

So dad....

How do I share that you were my first adult buddy?
That you taught me how to drink alcohol like a fish, smoke cigarettes like a chimney, cuss like a sailor, shoot a gun like a badass and to see the human body as a candy-coated carnival ride.
How do I share that sex was to be seen as a survival tool for financial gain? That a woman's body is the closest you'll ever get to meeting a god because ecstasy was the only god you were willing to acknowledge? How do I share your atheistic beliefs and your hate for religion? Oh, dad... and your issue with race? What a mess...

I don't know how I'm suppose to share my journey with my dad but I know I can't be the only one who has had a father like him. I'm hoping that as I share my story others who can relate will know that they are not alone.

I feel alone but I know I'm not.

hold, aim, pin-point your target, shoot!

I don't know why I miss my dad so much but I do.
I feel like I should've gotten over him a long time ago since our relationship was so dysfunctional but even as I write this my heart hurts because I know that he loved me the only way he knew how.

When Jesus hijacks your life -- LET HIM!!!

First off, I will be honest in sharing that Jesus didn't just change my plans HE KILLED'EM!! All of them!
In fact, when I asked Him which of my plans I could hold on to He said "nothing but Me."

For several years I fought against Him but I always lost and today... I'm SO glad because I didn't know how much He wanted to bless me.

Take my advice and save yourself the headache and heartache: 

LET JESUS HIJACK YOUR LIFE.

I was raised to be very analytical and so I set a lot of goals for myself. Anything that strayed from the target was quickly eradicated.
You ever meet those kids that know exactly what they want to do when they're older? That was me.

As a young girl I had literally planned out my whole life by the time I was 14.
I knew exactly what I wanted to do, how I was going to do it and even with so many odds against me, when I turned 21... I was done.

My plan was simple -- travel the world.

Of course, I never planned on meeting Jesus... 

At twenty I had accomplished the very things I had planned on since childhood and I was still miserable. 
The people who were actively in my life were good to me and I was still miserable.
I wasn't tied down to the responsibilities of kids or marriage nor did I desire it and I was still miserable. 
I had more money and materialistic crap than I've ever had or wanted and I was still miserable.
I had my own apartment (which was uncommon for first year stewardesses) but I was traveling and staying in 5-star hotels and I was still miserable. 
I could travel anywhere in the world dirt cheap but I was still miserable.

By the world's standards, my life as a young woman looked perfect.
With all the obstacles that I had broken through to get to where I was at I should have been happy but I was miserable and extremely suicidal. I already wrote about my salvation day here.


Anyways, when I first accepted Jesus into my life I had no idea what it entailed. I figured that I'd try Him out and see what happens. If I didn't like Him then I would just leave. I had nothing to lose. Right??

BOY WAS I WRONG!!

 

 But at the end of the day, I didn't care because I couldn't get away from Him. I had fallen in love with His presence. 
When I was obedient to His promptings... He was very near. 

 Likewise, when I was disobedient He stepped away and waited for me to come back to Him. I knew when He was near and when He was absent.

 

When I was told that accepting Jesus was accepting an actual PERSON into my life I didn't understand but I forged ahead anyways and I lost EVERYTHING that "I believed" was important to me.

•  The plans that I thought I wanted was exchanged for Jesus's presence, plans, and purpose for me.
• The toxic people I thought I couldn't live without has been replaced with people who are safe to entrust with my heart and that of my children.
• The shameful habits I thought I needed in order to feel fulfilled has Jesus walking with me as I seek hope and healing in community with His people.
• The isolation I thought that kept me safe but in reality was keeping me hostage has been filled with people that love me and my children.
• The marriage I never wanted gave me my very first best friend ever. He's so gracious to me it's ridiculous.
• The children I never wanted teach me EVERY SINGLE DAY about the LOVE, MERCY, and GRACE of the God that calls me His.

 

I would NEVER have imagined my life the way it is today. Never.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

God, I forgive You. I don't want to be angry anymore.

It has taken me years to come to a place where I can finally say "God, I forgive You" and then really thank Him for giving me EVERYTHING I received in my life.

 Both the good and the evil.

I know that it sounds arrogant for a mere mortal to say such a thing about forgiving God and I've been rebuked by the churched for even implying that I was mad at Him but I believe that many people with childhood wounds, like mine, need to know that GOD IS SORRY for the evil that they've had to endure.
It was NEVER His intention for us to get hurt. I, for one, needed to know that He cares.

It is painful when children suffer at the hands of the adults in their lives and no one takes notice nor cares and then brushes off the lose of their childhood as "part of life" and that they should just "grow up and get over it." Especially when that lose includes sexual abuse.

For me, I would have rather been killed. Out of all the abuse I endured sexual abuse hollowed me out.
I learned to feel nothing. I hated being touched. I kept people at a distance and to this day I still do but God is working on me. And I am willing.
I want to feel my emotions the way they were intended to be felt.

I remember the first time that God wanted me to look at my past and I absolutely refused. He waited. Several months would go by and as I got to know Him a little better, He would point back to my past and I would get mad at Him and refuse. He waited.
A couple years went by and our relationship had really blossomed into a great friendship and then again He pointed me to my past and I finally lashed out at Him but in the middle of my fury He gave me a vision and said three words that stopped my hate dead in it's track:

"I'M SO SORRY."

He weeps for us.

Honestly, I was so shocked to hear it that I asked Him "wait, what?" and He said it again. I became undone.
I cried for what felt like forever as He spoke His love over me and His promise of protection.

I didn't realize that I was serving a God that cared about healing my past wounds. I didn't know that our relationship had become so intimate that He would apologize to His own creation. Nor did I think that something like that was even possible.

I had been reading the Bible and Jesus spoke of having that sort of intimacy with God if we surrendered our lives to Him but I didn't believe it until then. Which is a good thing because in the following year, 2016, my past punched me so hard in the face that if God had not worked with me earlier I would have been crushed by the weight of it's darkness.

When the news of my nieces and nephews sexual abuse reached me I lost my mind long enough for God to step in and remind me that He had me exactly where I needed to be.  
His timing was at work and He had full control of the situation. I just needed to trust Him. He had a plan and purpose.

Where did I fit into His plan??

Last week I sat down and had a serious heart to heart with the woman that raised me. The woman that I highly admired but also the same woman who had caused me so much pain and suffering.
We had not seen each other in almost a decade and we last spoke on the day my dad passed away, almost two years ago.
When I saw her and said "hi mom" I was reminded that this woman was everything I ever wanted to be in life. When I think of the word "strong" I think of her. Actually, anyone who has ever known my mother has described her as strong. She always said whatever she wanted to say and she didn't care who she offended. She was fierce. Both her and my father together were a fearless duo.

Speaking to her last week about my past and the pain that sexual abuse had caused me and our family was rough BUT it needed to be said. Listening to her responses was disappointing but it made me realize that God had orchestrated our meeting in His perfect timing. He had prepared me for this day.

The thought of speaking to my mom always caused me a great deal of anxiety because I always felt like I was a pauper speaking to the queen BUT on that day God reminded me of who I was in Him and He gave me the strength to not only speak His truth to her but He also strengthened me to love her in her brokenness.

In the end I was able to tell her that I had forgiven her for everything from my past and that I have forgiven the family as well and that if they wanted to ostracize my children and I from the family I was okay with it and I forgive them for that too.

Hate and unforgiveness is too heavy a burden for me and my children to carry.

I'm done being angry!!!

"Unless the Lord had been my help,
My soul would soon have settled in silence. If I say, “My foot slips,”
Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul."~ Psalm 94:17-19

The call to care

This past weekend, during my retreat,  I felt God pleading with me again... to CARE. 
He's done this several times before but this time it was different. To hear Him ask me to care about His kids broke my heart. I listened.

He pleads with me to stop focusing on myself and where I'm at now and start caring for His kids (my siblings) the way He does.

Nothing makes me love a leader more than when they are honest about their struggle.

God has brought me out of a lot of darkness and I have come a long way from where I was when He found me and during my retreat He kept saying:

"Surina, please stop thinking about yourself and please think of My kids. Point them home."

I've been holding onto this rebellious spirit of "I don't care if people come to know Jesus or not because it's none of my business." 
However, He wants me to make it my business because others made it their business to come out for me.

He put it on my heart, throughout my whole retreat, to stop and see that His heart is that of a Father who is waiting to be seen by His kids and that I need to BE INTENTIONAL about the call He has placed on my life to point my siblings (His kids) home.

He asked me to BE INTENTIONAL about the story He has entrusted for me to share. Our journey but His story.

He kept reminding me that my testimony is His -- NOT mine.

He showed me that He wants SO BADLY to reach His kids and He wants them to come home to Him.  
He loves them. He is lost in the pursuit of them. He is their Father. He wants them home with Him. 
ALL OF THEM!!!

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who murders the prophets and stones [to death] those [messengers] who are sent to her [by God]! How often I wanted to gather your children together [around Me], as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling." ~Matthew 23:37

"The Call" to go back -- pick it up or suffer!

If I keep my eyes focused forward then I don't ever need to deal with what is in my peripheral vision. 

I see it, it's there, but if I close my eyes long enough to pass it and pretend that it's not there.... then I will survive today.

It's always there but if I create enough mind-numbing bad habits or fill my day with the loud noise of this world then I can get another chance to forget about it. A momentary relief.

All I need to do is to survive today and hopefully (if God really loves me) I won't wake up tomorrow. 

I believe that any one who God has called has hurled this internal scream at Him.

What you just read has been my state of mind for the past month (yes, January 2017) because I don't want to be obedient to God. AT ALL!!!
I don't want to go to church! I don't want to write about my journey with Him! I don't want to give up my liquor! I have a list of "I don't wants" and I can guarantee you that if I continue in this disobedient "I don't want" state, not only will I suffer BUT so will my babies. And I KNOW this. 

I, as a mama,  KNOW THIS!!!

My babies are always watching me to see... IS JESUS REAL?

I don't have the heart to do that to them. I can't imagine allowing my kids to suffer at the hands of my disobedience when I know that God wants to bless them.

Throughout the Bible God talks about His blessings and curses and what happens to the children of those that CHOOSE to fight against Him. I lose, they lose. Simple as that.

NOOO!!!

I want my kids to receive whatever blessings they can get without my stubborn ass holding them back.

So, me sitting and writing this is my fight to be obedient because -- "IT" is killing me.

I thought that it was gonna be dead and gone last year BUT it is alive and well and it is trying to kill me and no amount of gorging on "bad habits" will take it away.
I can't outrun it.
It is there when I close my eyes and when I open them.  
It is always there when I arrive.

IT IS EVERYWHERE!!! I have NOWHERE to hide.

So, I might as well stand up, look straight at it, grab it by its neck then shake the living fuck out of it because running away has me worn out.

I'M EXHAUSTED!!!

The "it" I am referring to is the call to share my journey.  

My testimony but mostly my past.

How I was abandoned by my natural parents and then found by ones who would enslave me for several years. Then how later God would use these same people to push me into a place of understanding His GREAT love, my heartbreaking loss, and why I must choose to surrender my life into His hands  DAILY!!!

I'm no longer bitter or angry about my past. I'm just SAD that I can't move on without "it" always being there.
It's in every damn corner and/or conversation. It's annoying.

Like Jim Carry from the Cable guy. It won't leave you alone. It's in the room when you enter. Yikes!

Here's some comic relief because this is gonna be some heavy shit! 

:)

Okay, lets get serious though....

Sharing my story has also become kind of a nuisance to me because I feel like I've shared it enough. So why continue?

I've been given several reasons but one is because there is more to my story that I don't believe is important to share BUT God does.

He sees an INTRICATE DETAIL that I am not able to see and if you know Jesus Christ personally as your Savior then you will know that He is VERY DETAIL ORIENTATED. 
Like major OCD'ish. Worse than anyone I have ever known. Trust me. It's part of His character.

Details are VERY IMPORTANT to Him. Especially when it comes to the care and well-being of His kids. 

If you didn't know this about Him, NOW YOU DO!

Anyways, I don't fully understand why I need to share the crap I had to walk through to get to where I am able to function with other human beings.
I really don't know how it will be beneficial for anyone, including myself, to continue sharing, publicly, more about my journey because I've already written about my flawed upbringing, the abuse I had to endure and how I overcame the "mentally ill" title I was given.

I feel like I have healed enough to function in society as a "sane" person. A person of peace whom no longer strives to cause or create drama.

But here I am. God's call for me has not changed.

"Rise up; take courage and do it.” ~Ezra 10:4

Two months ago, in November, my brother (who was also one of my childhood sex offenders. I'm not ready to say the "R" word.) was sentenced to finally serve some prison time for his over 30 years of sexual offenses. I have already written about this in another post HERE.

After his year long court ordeal ending in him finally admitting guilt and all was said and done a part of me was convinced that I can now move on with my life.

I felt like I had done everything that I needed to do. I didn't stand on the sideline. I made the call. I stood alone. I cried at night and smiled in the day. I did my part. I fought hard and I believed my battle was done.

I felt a great sense of relief knowing that he finally had a place that was no longer around children and where he could finally get the HELP he needed away from the family that enabled his actions.

But most importantly, for someone like me that had to deal with the shame of incest and the family looking the other way, that he would finally have a label that would hold him and those that chose to be around him ACCOUNTABLE for his actions.
Because prior to his imprisonment NOT ONE family member stood by me when I called the police to report his abuse towards children. NOT ONE! NO ONE!

So, why am I still not free to move on with my life?
Why have my nightmares not gone away and gotten worse?
Why am I still triggered by horrible memories?
Why am I still needing to drink myself to sleep?
Why is suicide still at the forefront of my mind on most mornings?
(Some mornings are easier than others but my recent mornings, especially since the new year, has been almost down right crippling.)

WHY???

Because: God's call on my life has not changed!

My brother going to jail and my family needing to face their part in his abuse has not changed God's call for me to continue sharing my testimony.

I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! It just hasn't.

Welcome to my life!

I'm Surina and I am a child of God trying to follow Jesus the best way I know how because -- IT'S PERSONAL! 

BTW...
if you don't like my word use then please feel free not to read my blogs because I'd rather write in honest form than try to please you. I will be addressing "words" in a later blog but for now this is me in a process towards further healing. I look forward to the day that my mouth stops cussing. But today is not that day. Goodbye!

If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today... the fruit of your womb will be blessed..." ~Deuteronomy 28:1,4