Monday, July 10, 2017

Before all my parents die

After my last blog I found a lot of relief and comfort in knowing that there are others out there with messed up beginnings like mine and, like me, they're trying to change that mess into a message of hope and healing for others.

It's very encouraging and healing. 

I miss my dad terribly and talking about him has gotten easier especially knowing that I have a tribe out there who understands the complexities of our story.
I know that my story will not be very common in it's totality but I want the parts that people can relate to to be heard.

Who knows... I may have been created to have several tribes.

For instance, I'm a throwaway and not everyone is a throwaway and so one of my tribes could possibly be a ban of orphans, state juvinials, adoptees, loners, introverts, isolated peeps, and so on and so forth.

Along with that messy tribe then you've got the child abused tribe (sexual, spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological, etc...) you get the idea.
Doctors and so called experts have called my abuse "extreme" and have placed labels on me like "bipolar", "manic...", "compulsive..." "victim...". Got the idea? Good because their list of labels for me goes on.
It's their list. NOT MINE!
I've had to fight long and hard to not internalize their labels upon myself and to remain free of their prescriptions.

And last but not least is, what I believe, will be my most important tribe and that is my ragtag team of messed up parents tribe. This tribe will most likely consist of adults that have grown up in homes having addict parents, religious parents, atheist parents, gay parents, divorced, cheating, abusive, domineering, good grief.... the list goes on about bad parents.

I have yet to meet anyone who has been given the diverse group of parents that I was given BUT I KNOW YOUR OUT THERE. Somewhere.

I really want to find you. The journey of life is easier when you've got company.

So, lets continue... 
because I don't want to travel alone!

"Son, even if your father and I abandon you, the Lord will hold you close" ~Psalm 27:10*

Yesterday I was reading a memoir that really got me thinking about how important it is for me to write out my story before the rest of my parents die.

I've actually read several memoirs about kids growing up and finally when their parents die they all of a sudden want to write about the horrors of their childhood and making peace with what happened.

I don't like that AT ALL!!!

There's always two sides to a story and that's where I come in.
Plus, I don't like the idea of poking at someone's character behind their back especially when they're dead.

I want them alive and able to respond to me. I'm not scared.

I ain't waiting until they die. I want to make my peace with them while they're still alive and have the opportunity to change the course of our (currently nonexistent) relationship.
Hey, a girl can hope. I mean for goodness-sake they're suppose to be my parents. The ones that should love me the most.

I don't want to wait until they're all dead for me to allow them the chance to know that I forgive them and that I'm thankful for my life and that (God willing) I am willing to have some kind of cordial relationship.

Out of the five parents I received, the three parents that remain are "the ones" whose decisions have impacted my life the most. They are my two mothers and my biological father.

I don't want them to die not knowing the impact of their choices.
I want to give them an opportunity to change the direction of how I tell my story years from now. Lord willing.

Nothing from the past can be changed BUT there is a God being glorified through the pain of my life.

"Angel, even if your father and I abandon you, the Lord will hold you close" ~Psalm 27:10*
Parenting is hard. I get it.
  • I want them to know what I learned from their abuse, neglect, abandonment and rejection. 
  • I want them to know that their hate has taught me how to love. 
  • I want them to know that their abuse has forced me to fight against abusive situations because I know how negatively it effect children in every aspect of their life.
  • I want them to know how their racism, partiality and biases have taught me to be more inclusive with others especially with how I teach my own kids to see other races and classes.
  • I want them to know that I learned a lot about the destructive aftermath that takes place when you're not faithful in your marriage. My pain-filled childhood going through two divorces and then being blamed for the first one keeps me aware of never blaming my marital problems on my kids.
  • I want them to know that I survived the destruction of their choices and that it has become a catalyst for how I parent my kids, how I function as a wife, how I serve my community, and how I serve, walk, and breathe my Lord and Savior:
Jesus Christ.
Last but not least... I want to be FREE!


I want nothing that is short of what Christ died to give me!

(*) verses were personalized.

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