Be moved by LOVE!

The FIRST thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.

I never really thought of myself as a soldier. More like a prisoner of war. If you know my story then you know exactly why I feel like my life was hijacked from the day I was born. No matter how much I tried to break free, I couldn't. But that's a whole different blog for another time.

Today I want to share the season that I am currently limping through. This season with Jesus has been the MOST difficult. 
I do NOT believe that there will be a more difficult season than this current season. I DO believe that if I can get through this season then my journey of faith will be all down hill from here. Not just for myself but EVERYONE involved. 

It is my prayer that Jesus will be glorified above all the pain and that the love of God will be in full display. I want everyone to heal.  EVERYONE!

As I write and share this journey the #1 person I have in my mind is my first dad that passed in 2012 and how he tried to fix the family on his death bed. He knew he hurt his kids by being silent when he shouldn't have been and what he feared the most is here. And I'm done with it!

I believe I owe it to him to finish what he was trying to fix.

One thing I always tell my kids is that if you keep something in the dark then satan has every right to mess with you because YOU have given him a place to dwell. Well, I believe that he has overstayed his welcome in this family and it's time for him to go back to hell where he belongs. In Jesus Name!

So, today I'm ONLY going to share the marching orders that I was given back in October but, family (if you're reading this), after today... I'm done with hiding in shame and fear. IT'S TIME TO HEAL AND GROW!! 

Dad would be devastated if he was alive to see the crap going on right now. I know that I am the youngest and the "add on" to the family but don't be too surprised if this is why out of all the families that I could have been found by; it was you. Whether you all see me as a blessing or a curse is up to you.
I love our family but I HATE what is happening. Lets begin to heal because our family is not the only one satan is trying to destroy. This is why I am making this journey public. WE ARE NOT THE ONLY FAMILY! 

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."~Hebrews 12:11

I believe our family will be blessed if we allow God to heal us. In Jesus Name!

Ever since 2011, God seemed to give me marching orders for the following year and they always came between mid-October and mid-November. It's kinda strange but every year I take notes and every word He had spoken was EXACTLY what I needed to make it through that year. And thank God because 2012 was a crazy BUSY year. This year is PAINFUL!

These are the marching orders I received on 10/19/15:

1. Surina, BE PRUDENT:  I need you to have an eternal perspective for those I give you.
2. Surina, BE WISE:  I need you to Seek Me FIRST in everything from EVERYWHERE.
3. Surina, BE MOVED BY LOVE:  Surina, You DO NOT take a single step until you recognize that My LOVE is in place!!!

I believe that the time has arrived...

Have I been walking out my marching orders since receiving them???
Well, I believe that although I have had several break downs, I have done a good enough job of limping my way through this season and for 6 months I have not lashed out in anger worsening the pain we already feel. And now I am able to blog truthfully and do so in a way that is loving and honoring to the God I serve.

Although I would like to ignore what is going on and just focus on my own little family (because it's easier) it would be Selfish and dad wasn't selfish when he took me in. Plus, I would be a coward and last I checked mom didn't raise me to cower.

So, today as I sit and write this blog I'm in awe of how DEEP God's love goes and how FAR He is willing to reach out to His kids. But don't be fooled... like the days of Noah, He will bring judgement if rebellion continues. He disciplines His kids out of His great love for us:

"My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline,
    and don’t be upset when he corrects you.
¹² For the Lord corrects those he loves,
    just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights." ~Proverbs 3:11-12

Family, we must heed to His discipline!!!

 

Honestly, I don't agree with His methods nor do I agree to the ones He extends His hand of mercy to BUT... I WILL OBEY HIM because I don't know what the future holds and I don't know how He will use it to heal others BUT what I do know is that when God says that He...

"....is NOT willing that any ONE should perish."~ Matthew 18:14

He means it!!! 

God is MADLY and PASSIONATELY in LOVE with YOU and He wants to heal YOU!!  IN JESUS NAME

***If you're wondering why I keep highlighting -- In Jesus Name -- because He is the ONLY WAY that can FULLY HEAL ANYONE.

My BIGGEST lesson as a Carsonite

WOW!
What a journey it has been to be a Carsonite (a.k.a. Ben Carson) campaign supporter. Now that his run is over I've had a chance to sit back and really think about what I've learned along the way. After all, I have never been in contact with so many churched people outside of a church wall.

I have never openly supported any presidential candidate. Ever.
Especially, someone running on a Republican ticket. I share a lot of my views with the Democratic party. But when God speaks to me, sometimes it's in a still small voice that doesn't let you sleep a wink.
I will have to say that in the beginning I was trying to figure out why God would have me walk this journey and man, am I glad that I finally said "yes".

I have known that for the past couple years God was trying to teach me more about His people and where I fit in. Well, (being the smart arse that I am) I complained to Him that He was asking me to support someone that had no political background and whether or not He was aware of that.
I mean every Christian I spoke to said that I was making a mistake and that I am wasting my time. BUT... my reply was simply, "if God tells me to hold him up and be still then I guess I am going to hold him up and be still."

Then I would get the pitiful, confused look of -- well, you're young and dumb. Good luck.

#WinBenWin

Well, I didn't need luck because God was trying to show me why He had me raised the way He did. He was staying honest to His promise to me. A promise that has always been the driving force of my obedience. Another clue of His purpose for me.

It all started after July 4th, 2015. I couldn't sleep a wink...

One of the BIGGEST issues I had with God was that I was stolen during a visitation that led to me being raised by a man who stripped me of my culture and the only language I spoke. Then I was forced to call him dad and live as a new and completely different girl, in a new and completely different culture. I, eventually, adjusted to my new person and America.

As a young girl I was heavily influenced by my new dad's views on politics and religion (or lack thereof since he claimed atheism) because I really wanted him to accept me. He loved America, guns, beer, women, movies, political news, and the power of "white". He was a proud vet that survived with several wounds and earned several medals to prove his service. He was adament that his kids take a daily vitamin and he advocated for us to break our bedtime schedule to stay up and watch the Simpsons. He loved to laugh.
He died in June of 2015. His death shook me. 

We had not spoken in 18 years and although he was my step-dad, he was the only dad I knew. I met him at about seven years old and I wanted him to love me like the dad I was ripped away from but it never happened. Although he was very kind to me and treated me well, he also avoided me to appease my mother. I know that now. I was never to be his, no matter what.
Because of that strained relationship, I had a very hard time believing that I could ever belong to a good father-like God. Especially, a God who could possibly be accepting of me. So, when God came towards me I rejected Him and His people immediately. I learned well from my dad. 

 So, what does this have to do with my journey with Carson? 

Well, the dad I was stolen from was a man of prayer and religion. He believed in God. The man I was then raised with was the polar opposite.
He didn't believe in a god and the church, to him, was full of mindless idiots. He thought all clergy were crooked, people-pleasing, perverts hiding behind a fictitious being. I'm putting it nicely but in his defense, he wasn't wrong. There are such clergies. I've met them.
I just wish that we had connected sooner so he could have seen the other clergies I've had the pleasure of meeting. Clergies who really did love God. A living God. Jesus.

Anyways, as I journeyed as a Carsonite and spoke to several "godly" and churched people at rallies and booths and through phone calls, I realized that a lot of these self proclaimed "Christians" were just as atheist as my dad.
They claimed to believe in the biblical God but when it came time to stand on that biblical God and trust His written word -- He didn't exist.

Was my dad right? DOES GOD NOT EXIST? Is He a fictitious being?

I will admit that I was quite shocked to hear from several professing Christians (especially the "seasoned") that "Carson will never win because the world is too evil. He's too nice of a guy. He's too good."
And then some Christians would say "His life story is too unbelievable."

Repeatedly I would hear the same responses from Christians and I couldn't help but wonder -- did they not read their Bible where in Romans 12:21 it says...

 "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Or the parts EVERYWHERE in their Bibles that say...

“With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ~ Matthew 19:26

This incident was one of MANY eye-opening moments for me during this journey. Talking to people about their faith in God and then hearing them speak on politics was jarring. Especially from the "seasoned" Christians.

No wonder my generation denies God and reduces Jesus Christ down to a secular "homeboy" who loves public sinfulness. My poor generation was seasoned with these "Christians". Yikes.     

When God put it in my heart to support Carson it was only a month after my dad died and I was still in a place of grief but God was adamant that Carson was my next step. The lesson I learned in this journey was that God was right to have me raised by an atheist dad. He had a legitimate reason.

It was hard to be ripped away from a dad that accepted me as his but to see what I now see amongst God's church is that there are a lot of atheists in the church body. They read their Bible but don't believe a word of it. It's amazing and not in a good way.

 OR

God's people have just grown so weary of waiting on Him. So weary, in fact, that they will now seek their own understanding through a human that will speak whatever words they want to hear. Words that give them instant gratification but will suffocate the livelihood of future generations. They know it BUT they don't care because they're scared. Lord, help us.

Unashamedly donning Carsonite gear :)

At my Washington State caucus I was greeted by an older woman in tears who grabbed me and hugged me before I could say a word. I was the only person wearing my candidate gear unashamed. Through her tears she said: 
"we don't deserve him. We, as a country, don't deserve God's blessings. We have abandoned Him and Carson is such a good man. If he gets in office I don't think he'll be able to turn us around because our people are evil and God will give us over to what we want."

That lady was the most honest and repentant Christian I had met on this journey. She was scared for her children and grandchildren. I told her that that is EXACTLY why Carson entered this race. We are a generation walking to our own destruction. A destructive path we created and will continue in if we don't TURN AROUND.

"IF" we... then God will. God NEVER forces His will.

I first heard of Christianity from someone who was calling me a "child of the devil" in 1997. Then I  discovered the "land of Christianity" in 2009 and began exploring it in 2010 but I didn't claim land until 2012 and OH....MY...GOODNESS...... I have a long way to go and a lot of land to cover. There is so much to learn about God's people and why I have been called to join such a messy group. Am I getting closer to my purpose? Absolutely!
The people of God and their politics are something else and, unfortunately, they ain't walking towards the biblical God. Plainly, they are walking FAR AWAY from what Jesus died for.

God, I'm a mess!

I remember the first time that God put it in my heart to start blogging my journey back in February 2012 and I was like "hell no!" because people already thought that I was weird and that the comments that I made always made waves that I never intended. Both good and bad. 
I also got more attention than I wanted. I hated it. I didn't like good attention but I really loved bad attention. I felt more deserving of it. Plus I liked fights and pissing people off. It was almost a hidden gift.

So, when God started to show me that I can do good and that I'm worthy of positive affirmation I immediately pulled away. However, because I wanted God to continue to grow me in my faith of who He was... I was willing to write. BUT only under an alias. I didn't want to be stung by the pain of acceptance or feed my rebellion on rejection. I was able to freely write my thoughts and prayers.

Eventually, over a year later, I felt a deep conviction for hiding my growing love affair with Him and decided to start this blog attached to my real name because our relationship is very real. 

However, before I closed down my alias blog I saved all my posts and decided that I would keep it for memories of my journey. 

Well, this morning one of my pastors preached a very strong message about being real with God in prayers and said to "be honest about being full of lust...". 

I immediately thought about my #1 viewed post where I shared a prayer that I truly felt like God wanted me to share openly. 

Here it is:

Title: I’m a mess but… I’m His mess. 4/7/12

 

 If you have ever felt like a mess then tell Him!

Me:  God, I’m a mess.

Hugely flawed in so many ways and yet, Lord, You still want me? What for? 
Just throw me away like the worthless trash that I am. I came to You haughty, prideful, and full of anger and yet You say “come”?
I have yelled at You and cursed Your name and still You say “come”? 
I’ve stabbed You in the back and denied You openly, mocking Your ways and yet You still say “come”? 
Father, what do You see of me that is remotely worthy of Your kingdom? 
What do I have that You see of use? NOTHING! I HAVE NOTHING! I AM NOTHING! 
I’m a disgusting human full of selfishness and lust. Yet, You still say “come”? Why??

God: Because, Surina, I LOVE YOU!

I knew you before you were ever born. I predestined your path before you ever took a step. You were made for My perfect will. I Am your Father and you are My daughter through the blood of Jesus Christ. In His blood I made  you worthy. In His blood I will make your nothing into My something. 

Surina, JUST TRUST ME!!!

Me: Father, help me then to be willing! I’m tired of trusting in my own ways and the ways of this world. I'm tired of failing to be perfect. Have Your way with me, Lord. LET YOUR WILL BE DONE!!!

_____________________________________________________________________________

This prayer was written during a time in my walk where I was doing everything right and I was walking with people that I thought were godly (the churched) and yet, internally, I felt like I was dying. 
I didn't know what was happening. I just knew that a part of me, internally, had stopped growing and was dying. I hurt.

Just today (2/14/16) I realized that God answered my prayer within in a month after this prayer was posted. 
The way He answered my prayer was not what I expected and so I put up a HUGE fight because His direction was towards a new church and a new church body. 

I loved the church body I was in and saw no reason to move but I'll have to blog later about fighting that year long losing battle. 

A month after this prayer post I followed His lead and was met with this message called: Patriarchs: The calling of Abram

Whatever was inside of me needed to hear this message because when it was time for communion I went down and dropped to my knees to cry and kiss the steps. 
I wasn't sure if that church allowed what I was doing but my body was starving for whatever I had received that I stayed there until the pastor came back out again. 

 "As the deer pants for water, so I long for you, O God.  

I thirst for God, the living God." ~ Psalm 42:1-2

Today as I sit and write this, I'm so glad I lost the battle against God in that season because I would have never seen my life the way that it is today. 

#ThankYouJesus

   

2016 - Bibles for everyone - we're gonna need it.

Having it personalized was a special reminder that our relationship with Jesus is personal.
God speaks to each of His kids differently.

Every year, since 2012, I would always talk to my husband about getting personalized Bibles for the family since I felt that God was trying to do something in my life and with our family. BUT every year I would fail to follow through with my intention because, in all honesty, I really didn't see the point. 
The urge I "felt" would eventually subside and I'd realize how silly I was to purchase something I could get for free.

Besides I had better things to buy with my money and spending it on a book I didn't fully believe as "Truth" was not on my priority list.

If I really wanted one, all I had to do was simply ask the church for one. Obviously, I didn't really want one.

Then in 2013 a church I was visiting gave me a real, brand new, still in the wrap, full Bible. :)

I don't know why they felt that I needed it since I had only visited a couple times but God's timing was perfect.

My first real Bible. :)

If there was anything I needed at that time it was God's written word, in my hand, to help me. I was lost, scared and confused as to why my little family of four was being uprooted.

For a few months that year my daughter was traveling with me up north and my son stayed home with his dad. 
That was a tough year but when I look back to that time -- so much spiritual growth happened for all of us. God knew what He was doing.

Thank God for technology! We stayed connected mostly through texts.:)

When 2014 came around that Bible became my biggest comfort as I walked with a friend who was dying of cancer. He got his diagnoses and within 3 months he was gone. 
Weeks before and after his death I slept with that Bible on my chest because something inside of me hurt so bad that I literally couldn't sleep without it on me. I needed it even more when I was with his kids. 

During that time God's word became VERY precious to me. I needed it more than food.  

I lost a lot of weight during that season because I had no desire to eat. Not a good way to lose weight but a LOT of things changed inside of me.

My heart and my mind were no longer the same... I had changed.

He was gone too soon!

Then 2015 came with a whole lot of EVERYTHING. Some ups but LOTS of downs. Lots.

If I could title my 2015 year it would be: The year I held on!

Oh, I can not even begin to share how many times God has had to hold my head up so I wouldn't drown in all that was coming my way.

Just these past two weeks alone a tree almost fell into our living room, our pipes busted on Christmas Eve, our refrigerator decided to stop working and the holiday festivities are at home again since no one else could accomodate the occassion.
And the worst... I was recently notified about an evil act against children that I can't discuss right now because there is an ongoing case. My past is back. 


BUT...

I know God has a plan. I know it... and I WILL WAIT!

The tree should have fallen into our living room taking out my year round nativity. But God....

Every time I dropped down to pray all I could hear God say was: 

"Surina, just hold on to Me. I got you."

What was I holding on to?? EVERY SINGLE PROMISE IN HIS WORD!!!

•     His promise to protect
•     His promise to redeem
•     His promise to guide
•     His promise to provide
•     His promise to vindicate 

 and so many more promises to HOLD ON TO...

 
Actually, I've held on so much and so hard to the Bible given to me that it has started to fall apart. 
I tried to be more gentle and I thought about gluing or taping it together but I truly felt like it was time to finally INVEST in the ONE BOOK that I saw no point in purchasing with my own money.

Now, God's word has become so precious to me that I consider it absolutely PRICELESS.

It has LITERALLY become AIR for me! I need it DAILY!

It keeps me sane in this insane world!!!

I know that my family is entering 2016 with a FULL plate of challenges ahead of us but I BELIEVE GOD has us in the palm of His hand as we STAND FIRM on His written promises in our hands!

"Your words were found, and I ate them,
And Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart;
For I am called by Your name,
O Lord God of hosts." ~Jeremiah 15:16

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Salvation Day: Okay, Jesus, show me what You got!

"Jesus can heal you everywhere you hurt"

I'll NEVER forget those words!

The day I heard those words was just an ordinary work day. My flight arrived in Raleigh-Durham North Carolina on a sunny late-afternoon. Our team was to be there until late afternoon the next day. We had just begun the first leg of our trips and so jet lag had yet to set in.

I did my usual routine when I entered my hotel room. 

First, I would always turn on the television to a news station because I needed to know where I was at and what was happening locally. 

As the news would play in the background, I would unpack my belongings, change out of my uniform, and call up room service for a meal. 

That was my ordinary routine.

But this was NOT to be an ordinary day because when I turned on the television the screen displayed NOTHING but the blur of black and white:

Yup! Just like that...

Of course I didn't think anything of it. I just clicked the button until I could find a channel that worked and within minutes a channel appeared and I heard the words that would change my life FOREVER: "Jesus can heal you everywhere you hurt"

Now, you would think that those words would have been welcomed by someone that obviously had a lot of hurts but NOPE. My reaction was more like a "hell to the F*ck no!"  

The name of Jesus was not welcomed!!!

From the time of watching the laughable horror movie(Stigmata) to the time of standing in front of that fuzzy television screen, I had encountered enough pushy, arrogant "jesus freaks" to make me sick. 

A week prior, during a flight, I encountered a "very popular gospel group" (their words, not mine) that was shocked that I didn't know who they were because they were "famous". As a flight attendant I meet a lot of people and some were very famous but these "jesus singers" were the most obnoxious and rude passengers I had ever encountered. 

Their entitled arrogance was disgusting. I didn't want to hear nothing more about this jesus or his freakish people. I was sick of ALL of it. 

So, standing in front of the television that day and hearing the name of Jesus was not what I wanted.

I continued to try and find a different channel but that was the only channel working. I, irritatingly, called the front desk and demanded that someone fix my television or move me to a different room. The lady said that she would send up a maintenance man within 15 minutes.

After I hung up the phone, I reached for the remote to turn off the television BUT before I could, I heard a man's voice come out of this person that looked like a woman on the screen.  

Seriously, I thought that I was seeing (for the first time ever) a transvestite talking about a God. 
I was so stunned that I wanted to know MORE about this God that he was speaking of.

Well, what I thought was a "he/she" was actually a she/she with a very husky man-like voice BUT before I figured out that she was in fact a female -- it was too late -- I had received the gospel of Jesus Christ and why He came into the world.

Within those minutes she shared her testimony about sexual abuse, incest, shameful family secrets and the role her parents played. She also shared how Jesus entered her life and put her on a journey to freedom.

She then invited anyone in the audience who was ready to pray the prayer that starts "The Journey" that allows Jesus to start working. She called it "The Prayer of Salvation."

I was about to pray it BUT there was a knock at my door, it was the maintenance man. He entered and I led him to the television, handed him the remote and as he clicked the buttons... every channel worked. Every single one worked perfectly. It was so embarrassing. And I don't embarrass easily.

Feeling like an idiot, I took the remote in my hand and clicked through the channels. Seeing nothing wrong, I apologized for wasting his time and swore that I wasn't crazy.

After he left, I turned back to the channel that I had been watching and hoped that I had not missed too much but it was too late. The show was over and all I got was was the name of the speaker -- Joyce Meyer:

The short hair and husky voice really threw me off. I can't be the only one :(

Disappointed, I called my boyfriend to share what had happened and to ask if he had ever heard of Joyce Meyer or this thing called "the prayer of salvation."  

He said: Joyce Meyer? No. Prayer of salvation? Yes.  

He then explained what it was and why it was needed. I asked him if he could do it with me over the phone. He obliged. 

Before we started, I asked if there was a certain posture I was suppose to be in and he explained that it didn't matter because this prayer was a "postured matter of the heart." 

I had no idea what he was talking about but because I was raised to kneel when praying, I knelt beside the hotel bed as he guided me in praying for salvation.

Within minutes we were done and I asked him what was suppose to happen and he explained that accepting Jesus is different for everyone because it's "personal". Jesus IS a RELATIONSHIP -- NOT a RELIGION. I didn't understand.

After that day I was expecting some sort of super power to help me sleep and change my behaviors BUT that was not the case. 

I still had to drink in order to sleep and my behavior became more violent. It was like I had become worse. I was still a horrible, angry, abusive, manipulative alcoholic. 

NOTHING HAD CHANGED.... so I thought. 

Within a month, I discovered that I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. FINALLY.

And with that information, I no longer had a need for my "boyfriend". 

He became useless to the furtherance of my plans. I blogged about this earlier in choosing-to-be-mom 

Anyways, it wasn't until a whole decade later that God started to show me the significance of that salvation prayer.  

What I thought was a silly and useless prayer was actually the prayer that set me free. Jesus really had entered and started working in me and I had no idea.

I'm still a broken mess with LOTS of past garbage that God needs to continue cleaning out BUT what I have discovered is that He's willing as long as I'm willing to allow Him to continue His work. 

There is less and less garbage as I allow Him to have His way and that gives me so much hope for the future.

I don't deserve the life I have or the family I got BUT in His grace and mercy He saw something of value in me. 

I don't fully see it but I'm glad that I don't need to see it in order for Him to do with me what He wills. 

He only asks me to be OBEDIENT and TRUST Him. So, HERE I AM! 

I blog my mess and wait on Him to do whatever He needs to do with it.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."~ Jeremiah 29:11