Lets Address: Fear, Porn, People and Jesus

This past Tuesday I felt a gnawing inner prompting to finally come out and share what Jesus was doing in my life and how He was just flowing Himself out of my YUCKY past and so with MUCH PRAYER and a LOT of sleepless nights --- to Facebook I went:

Well, after sharing my journey I felt so much freedom and peace. Awww... I could finally breath.
However, after about 2-3 hours I was hit with a "HOLY CRAP! WHAT DID I JUST DO!?" moment.

Oh, how quickly the enemy attacked me in full force as he brought to mind all the family members that are on my list and the hurt I would cause by such a public admission.

• My parents (who didn't know where I was for several years), 
• My siblings (some who knew where I was but never asked questions), 
• And church members that have sat in groups with me but have never heard this part of my past. 

But in all honesty, I had forgotten about it. Jesus was making me a new person. Why talk about such trash? Especially when Jesus was offering me a new and better life?

It is my belief that the most important reason why God placed it on my heart to be so open and transparent is because His children (the ones that call themselves "Christian" a.k.a. followers of Jesus Christ) are being led astray to believing that the porn flic "50 Shades of Grey" is just a movie. And not just a "provocative and disturbing movie" as proudly promoted by Christ-professing athlete Russell Wilson But a pornographic movie that can also bring "ALIVE" a dying and boring relationship. What??? Seriously?!!
So, let me get this straight:
A mainstream porn focused on bondage and sexual torture brings forth "life"???Are you kidding me?!! Noooooooooooo!!!! 
I'm newer to the Christian faith and even I'm not that dumb. Come on! Children of the Living God, followers of Jesus Christ -- you KNOW better!!! Do NOT be deceived!!!
Didn't Jesus already pay the ultimate price for your freedom? Why choose to be bound again???

Oh, how much the Father must be mourning. I know He wants His kids to KNOW that they are watching and filling their hearts and minds with evil lusts that will only bring them destruction and DEATH. That is what awaits them.
Did we learn nothing from the Israelites?? We, like them, will gain nothing but suffering for our blatant disobedience.

We ALL know this from the THOUSANDS of people that have suffered at the hands of  sexual abusers and delusional "fantasy seekers".
Sex-trafficking is a huge cash cow. Child porn and rape are both on the rise and it's because of pornographic films like these. But, unfortunately, the people that God has called to be His hands and feet in situations like these are too busy trying to glorify themselves and using their God-given platforms to promote sin. How sad! So very sad!
I've met Russell Wilson several times and I'm SO saddened by his confession and promotion of this pornography. Especially, when he also confesses Jesus Christ.
"Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? No!" - James 3:11
 
No! I don't have time for fear! I don't have time to appease people in their sin. It's time to love my neighbors enough to say "BROTHERS AND SISTERS, IN CHRIST, YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!! TURN AROUND!!! GOD LOVES YOU!!!". 

So, after days of being tormented about how people will see me, I've come to the conclusion that because of Jesus it really doesn't matter. I refuse to hide Jesus' redemptive work due to fearing people! I don't have room to care about their judgements. I only have room to care about people coming to know the REAL JESUS.

I want people to be free in Jesus. I want people to love themselves enough to love others PROPERLY. I want people to not be bound to addictions. Most importantly I want people to SEEK JESUS in breaking generational curses. Children should not be burdened by their parent's sinful choices and the curses that follow. Children need JOY! THEY NEED JESUS!!!

I refuse to continue hiding due to fear  because I love people and the God that created them.

If I call myself a follower of Jesus Christ then I am His disciple and as His disciple I honor Him with surrendering my WHOLE LIFE. My past, present, and future. NO MATTER THE COST!!!
People, family, and friends will come and go but JESUS IS FOREVER!!!

Luke 14:26
²⁶ “Anyone who wants to be My follower must love Me far more than he does his own father, mother, wife, children, brothers, or sisters—yes, more than his own life—otherwise he cannot be My disciple."

Trust God & Walk

Today I heard a sermon that really highlighted an issue that God has been dealing with me about for the past year.

The issue: I don’t know if I have come to a place where I fully trust God with EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything in my life!
I like to say that I trust Him but at the end of the day the question that He always brings back to me is “Surina, do YOU really trust Me?” and the answer I usually give Him is a hesitant “I do”. But do I? 

As I sit and write this, I wonder - is this the year? Is 2015 the year where I’m going to stop hiding my fear of making mistakes in my spiritual walk with Jesus? Is this the year that I abandon my will for His will in my life? Is this the year my faith will truly be lived out? I WANT TO TRY!!! I don’t want the regrets of yesterdays.

Then the only way I’m going to fully understand how to trust God with me is by walking out this faith in Him that I state I have. I can’t see my faith but I know it’s in me. It’s a weak muscle I need to work out if I’m ever going to see its full strength. So here I go… 

Last year, after my last blog, I had to stop. Actually, I chose to stop because I was too mad at God to even share or see my frustrations in written form. 
A week and a few days after I posted my last blog God sent me a test that sent me into a tailspin and the last thing I wanted was to share my shameful failure of faith and my bad attitude that matched. I was awful! My love and devotion for God immediately turned to hate and anger. I told Him that after I walked through the path that He had set before me I never wanted to hear from Him again.

That whole week I was an emotional wreck and I didn’t want anyone to be around me. I refused to love on my kids and I asked my husband for a divorce. I wanted to rid myself of what God had blessed me with. I was a nightmare to be around. I was throwing such a "holy-hell" fit that I got physically sick and had to stay in bed. My husband, lovingly, ignored my anger and cared for me. We both knew I was being ridiculous. God knew I was scared. You would think that God had asked me to walk on water to prove my faith or something but He wasn't.

He only asked me to walk with a friend that was dying and I freaked out because this friend had kids. 

To top it off, I was NOT to lean on anyone that I had leaned on before. This time it was me and Him and whomever HE decided was needed. 

I was to seek Him early, seek Him often, and seek Him always. 

My emotions were like a roller coaster. One minute I would love God and the next I would cuss Him out. 

I so desperate for someone else to give me answers to why I had to walk alone. Every time I would try to have someone walk my journey with me, God would quickly remove them. I was lonely and felt lost most of the time even though I could hear Him. 

My heart (that I tried to keep protected) hurt often. I wanted out but I loved my friend’s boys too much to walk away. 

I stayed because I was in love with his kids and God knew. He knew and He used it.

Today, I see that God was trying to give me an honorary first class seat. The path that I was trying to avoid has become one of the biggest blessings of my life. I got to experience God in amazing ways. My time before Him was rich in ways I can't explain into words. 

Now my friend’s widow and kids come over for play-dates and dinners. It has become a time where I get to hear all about what God is doing in their lives. How He is being the Father to my friend's boys and the better husband to his wife. 
It so humbles me to see their faith. 

I very rarely see true faith lived out for Jesus but that’s what I see at the end of this journey. Two little boys that are trusting their dad is with Jesus and a widow that is trusting God with her boys. 

It is amazing how God tests the "faith muscles" of His kids. Who am I to have received such a blessing? And how much of this would I have missed if I had stayed in my angry state? What is God doing with me?

I don't fully know who I am and what I am truly capable of but this year I want to try and I want to FULLY TRUST that God won't drop me. That my words about trusting Him will match my actions. No longer doubting His faithfulness. This is my prayer for 2015.

Why am I blogging?

 If I told you that blogging was my idea -- I'd be lying. Blogging was something that I knew that God had put in my heart back in 2012. I told Him that it's a bad idea and that I didn't have the time or the experience. But, out of pure obedience, I started a blog: http://mindyourownjourney.blogspot.com/

I tried writing when I felt led to do so but I hated the time and effort of having to share what God was doing in my life at that time. Blogging, I honestly thought, is a waste of time. And in 2012 time was in short supply that year.
2012 started off with people moving in and out of my home. It also had many family members die including my adoptive dad.

I wrote about it in my old blog.

2012 was a tough year for our family but it was also the year that God revealed His AMAZING power to us. God revealed Himself over and over through circumstances that were painful and unavoidable but we, as a family, had a choice to either be selfish with our blessings or dig in our heels and ask God for help.

We chose to kneel, fall on our faces and ask God for help.

That year my home became a haven for His kids. My door became revolving and it was like God stepped in and said "okay, Surina, this home is no longer yours, stand back and watch". I couldn't do anything but move aside and wait for instructions. 2012  was so crazy that when I look back at everything -- I'm amazed!!

• I'm amazed at how my very struggling marriage pulled together enough to love on others. Our "guests" had so many more problems that it trumped ours. My husband and I had to work as a team. Prayer became a huge part of our family life.
• I'm amazed at how my kids were willing to sacrifice themselves to help others by sharing everything they had. Their rooms, their stuff, and even their parents. 
• And last but not least: I was amazed at how our finances, our food, our toiletries, our EVERYTHING was stretched to a point that I thought we'd break. But we didn't.

Just when we thought that we couldn't pay for a bill or we weren't able to go on another day -- the money came in, the food came in, the clothes came in, the people came in.

Yes! God used His Church to show us that we can trust Him. That He was sufficiant to provide all that we needed that year. I had never experienced Him or His Church in that way - ever! It was humbling.

I truly thought that I had seen all that God could do... then came 2013.

2013 was my year of God saying "Surina, let me show you what I pulled you from". I really don't know how else to explain it. It was like God picked me up by my big, fat, self-centered head and put me in some sort of invisible bubble that blocked me from interacting with the outside world. I wish I could better describe it.
I was blocked from almost everything that could feed me my normal dose of "worldly" information (social media, news, radio, magazines, people, everything). I thought I was going crazy.

I got sick every time I tried to go into a social network or started to read or watch the news. Every time someone spoke to me about something that was happening in the world, I had to ask them to stop or I'd change the subject because I would physically get sick. I physically got dizzy and wanted to vomit.
I know it sounds crazy but as I sit and write this, I'm so grateful that God set me aside for that moment because I now have a better understanding of why He needed to pull me away.

I have a VERY "SPECIFIC" CALLING on my life and it was time for me to learn. My calling and purpose is VERY specific. I don't know what it is but I'm willing to try.

You see, now that I had a better idea of Who I was dealing with from 2012, I now needed to learn WHY HE was needing to deal with me. Why me? and What for? It's a fair question.

In 2013, He sent me to three different hospitals in two different states. In all three hospitals, I was a continual visitor or caregiver in their NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).
Who does that to someone who is not a big fan of babies?? Especially ones that are sick.
God willing, I will blog about my NICU time and share what it was like for God to show me how solid, cold, and hard my heart was. And, honestly, I saw nothing wrong.

Anyways, now, that it's 2014, I wonder -- what's next??

So far 2014 has started off strong. I'm back home and I'm excited to see what God has in store for us as a family but I'm more excited to know how He's gonna use us. We shall see...and, hopefully, I'm more prepared than I was the previous years.

So, my blogging is out of my wanting to be OBEDIENT to the God I want to serve whole-heartedly.

I don't know what God will do with this blog. And, yes, I do know that it's time consuming.
Being a blogger takes a lot of commitment and it's hard to share the happenings of life when you're in the moment and God is dealing with your "humanness".
However, I know that He has called me to this. I don't understand why it's better because nothing says "she's crazy" than sharing that God talks to me. Right? Wrong!

I have discovered that when you accept Jesus as your personal Savior, then it's one of the MANY perks to being His follower. He died for us so we could, PERSONALLY, speak to God. No more need for a priest. Why wouldn't I accept such a beneficial gift? I'm grateful Jesus thought that I was worth it! :)

Also, if I was seeking attention, my goodness, there are SO MANY other ways to do it. Being a blogger is not one of them.

As for sharing my journey:
The Bible states in Luke 21:13 that we are to bear testimony to Him. We are not our own.