Choosing to be a mom

On Mother's Day, I walked away from my pastor's sermon with a statement he made that just struck me and I couldn't shake it.

He said "being a mom is truly a STEP OF FAITH".

What a profound statement. At least for me. I've never seen motherhood as a "step of faith".

I've seen women pop out kids left and right then recklessly neglect them. No faith required. 

Then there are women like myself where it took over ten years to just conceive two kids.
Did that mean we had less faith because our wombs weren't fertile enough to become moms? Or did he mean -- to raise children of faith took a step of faith? 
I will assume that this is what he really meant because I do believe he is wise.

Anyways, as the day went forth, I could not help but be thrown back in time to think about the beginning of my journey to becoming a mom.
On this Sunday, I saw with my very own eyes that I had become the mom I thought I could NEVER be.

Through my walk with Jesus I've become the mom I've always wanted.
The mom I've always yearned for. The mom I've never had, will never have, but will strive to be.

My journey as "mom" has been extremely hard and it's taken a lot of faith to make the decisions I've had to make to be where I'm at today and to live the life I'm living.

Mother Day 2015: My son made me a candy bowl and my girl wrote me a book :) 

I've heard that the beginning of every journey is started with one step and it wasn't until Sunday that I realized that my one step, thirteen years ago, was "truly a step of faith". A step that changed the whole course of my life and all I had to do was... make the call.
It was a call to say "I'm keeping my son".
It was the HARDEST call I've ever had to make.
To me, it was a call of "I failed you, again".
A call of defeat.

You see, my son was suppose to be the bridge for me to have a "mom". Not be a mom.

I failed to execute the plan. A plan that was years in the making. A plan that was fueled years ago when I was just a young girl.

There was no question that my mother was to get my son to raise as her own. As it was a custom in our culture.
The moment she got the call that I was pregnant, she knew it was hers and she didn't even have to ask "if?" only "when?". My womb was hers.

But... I FAILED. Again.
I was so close and still failed.

I had flown across the country. I was only one flight away from the final destination. My mom was excited and prepared.

But... 
it took one person (during a layover) to open my eyes and speak to me with the heart of a mother. She knew what I was chasing after and she cared enough to tell me:
"he'll get what you got. She doesn't change. Think about it".

I did... I did... I did and she was was right.
Deep down, even as a young girl, I always knew the plan was flawed.

From the day my son was born I had refused to hold him unless he needed to be fed. I knew he wasn't mine but at that moment, in that room, with a plane ticket in one hand and his tiny hand in the other, I had a choice. To be a mom or gain a "brother". That was the custom. 

My brain scrambled for answers and I needed to make a decision, quickly. Time was running out.

To keep him would mean change and I had a career where I traveled 5-6 days a week. I didn't have time for a baby but the thought of him having a childhood like mine tormented me. I couldn't do it. Not to him.

I needed help in my final decision. I needed to call the man whose last words to me were "I hate you". I needed to call his dad.
I knew his dad would say yes to keeping him since he had been begging me to change my plans but I wasn't ready to be a mom and I didn't want to be with a man.

For the first time, on that day, I fully understood that my decision would affect someone completely innocent.  
Whether I wanted him or not. He was innocent. And he was here.  
   
Deep down I felt like I had been tricked. My choice of when to be a mom was stolen. I felt like I was locked in a prison with a baby I didn't want. I had no one to blame but myself.

I wanted a mother so badly that I was willing to believe in a lie. That day I failed everyone.

I was angry at myself and in my anger, I chose to parent a son. Then later, a daughter.
One born for barter and one born out of guilt.  
I wish it wasn't the case but to say otherwise would be a lie.

Mother's Day 2015

What I never wanted was what I really needed. God in His mercy knew I needed to learn about Him through them. 

Physically, I was fine but emotionally and spiritually -- I was a huge mess. I didn't know anything about being a parent and my kids deserved so much better than what I had to offer. That is where Jesus came in:

• I didn't know how to love so -- He taught me how to love them.
• I didn't know peace so -- He gave me peace to be patient with them.
• I didn't know how to fight for them so -- He gave me strength to do what needed to get done.
• I didn't know how to raise them so -- He guided me to caring for their needs.
• I didn't know if I could trust Him so -- He spoke to me throughout the day.
• I didn't know how to work together with their father so -- He taught me how to pray.
• I didn't know what I was doing so -- He used His people to show me how near He was.

The people He used were not in the church because I wouldn't go to a church until years into my parenting. I don't even know if the people used knew God but God used them in my life and I'm so grateful for them and their willingness to help me.

God even used their father to help me become a better mother. So, I married him. :)

I do not fully understand why God entrusted me with two amazing kids but He did.

Now, all I can do is raise them up and send them out. 
I want them to give back to the people that helped me be the mom that they received.
That's it. 
Train them up in the Word of God and send them out in Jesus name.

So to be a mom truly does take faith -- if you're raising children to walk against the flow of the social filth being shoved in their faces each and every day.
Yeah, to raise strong kids that love God is truly a "step of faith".

"Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."~Psalm 22:6

My Prayer:
Father God, Please help me to be a good steward of the kids you have entrusted to me. Give me strength to raise them for You. Your way, not mine.
Amen

A No-church "INNER CIRCLE" Day

I haven't gone to a church in almost 3 weeks.

Actually, I haven't gone to church due to being out of town and sick but yesterday I could have gone but I chose not to. My family needed to have a "no-church" day.
Traveling and being sick literally drained me and all I wanted was a day with my little family that was stress free.

A day where we didn't have to get up and think about what to wear, where to park, where to sit, what mood to be in and if we didn't want to talk -- we didn't have to.
A day of silence. :)

I wanted an "inner-circle" fellowship day. An "us" day.
A real Sabbath day of REST.

That's what I wanted for my family when I decided not to go...
And that's EXACTLY what God blessed me with:

We sat in our pjs and watched an AWESOME sermon.

We ate Daddy's DELICIOUS breakfast.

We then walked to the park while being kissed by the BEAUTY of nature.

My little cutie ENJOYED eating a Cutie.

Before finding a FRIENDLY froggy to freak mommy out.

And then we just played, played, played. ALL DAY :)

If you're reading this and thinking "Oh, then this proves that going to church is not necessary" SORRY  to disappoint you but that's not what this blog is about.

Hebrews 10:25 encourages Christians to fellowship together because we all have a part to play in the body of Christ.
I go out of obedience to the God I love. It's not easy but He gets me through it every time. A lot of times I leave never wanting to return but I love Jesus and believe in His promise to care for my family.
Lord, willing, I will blog one day about my journey on the days I never want to return to church. I learned a lot on those days about God's faithfulness.

Anyways, I felt led to share this day because everything that led up to this day, even me being sick, is a lesson in my journey with Jesus. I had a week of travel and a week of being sick. Sunday is our only family day together because of church. We are busy. Too busy. :(
Jesus had me right where He needed me to be in order for me to listen.

I am a Martha.

Martha in the Bible (Luke 10:40) is someone who is so busy trying to serve Jesus that she never stops long enough to LEARN from Jesus. He was trying to share Himself with her but she was too busy. That is me.
I had a pastor say to me, when I offered help, "no. I see you everywhere. You're gonna burn out". At first I was like "what?" and now I'm grateful that he was wise enough to see what I couldn't or wouldn't see. 

I love being a "Martha" because I'm a doer BUT if my "doing" is not guiding me in the direction of my INTENDED purpose for why I was born then -- I need to STOP and LISTEN for Him.

I need to be a Mary.
At least for this season in my life.

Mary in the Bible (Luke 10:39) sat at Jesus' feet to LISTEN and LEARN from Him.
People like "Mary" drive me crazy. My husband is a Mary. Which makes for a very interesting marriage.
People like Mary move slowly. They analyze to death. They might as well be Lazarus.

But I will strive to sit in my "Mary" season of life and

"Be still and know...God"

AND....

I will try (with all that's in me) not to grumble.

My Prayer:
Lord, Please help me to be still for this season and only move when You say "move". 
Amen

The Armor of God

I've been wounded. I'm hurt and bleeding. Everywhere.

Some of my closest friends know I awake every morning and my first prayer, before I do anything, is to put on God's armor (Ephesian 6:10).
To me, clothes mean nothing without His armor. It's like walking naked into a battle. I want to be prepared!

However, for the past week I have been struggling to put my armor on. I've been getting attacks left and right. But because I know the power and importance of putting on God's armor; I have been reading Ephesian 6:10 (for the past two days) to help me until I can put on His armor again by prayer and meditation.

His armor is so IMPORTANT that I have it posted at my doorways.

However, this morning, I awoke frustrated and angry and refused to armor up because I felt that God was allowing me to feel this "heaviness" and I was mad. I was tired of fighting a battle I couldn't win.

I went to my prayer group this morning thinking that if I shared what I was going through then they could pray for me and the "heaviness" would be removed.
But as I saw all the prayer needs on our list I felt too ashamed to share that I was angry at God for no real legitimate reason. During that time my "heaviness" no longer mattered.

After all the prayer requests were lifted up I felt better and blessed but the "heaviness" returned and became ever present. I couldn't shake it.

I finally decided to share my heavy heart with my husband since I wasn't getting a revelation any other way. Within minutes God faithfully revealed to me that I was trying to cover a wound that He was trying to "air out".

He visually showed me that when one of my kids get a cut that bleeds, I immediately get something to stop the bleeding. Then I wait for the bleeding to stop long enough for me to apply hydrogen peroxide and an antibiotic cream. I then find just the right size band-aid to keep the wound secure for the healing process to begin. After a few days or weeks (depending on the cut) I remove the band-aid to air out the healing wound. The wound then (now exposed to light and air) scabs over and finishes its healing process.

The Lord then said to me:
"Surina, I'm trying to air you out and the scar your scab leaves behind depends on whether you will trust Me to finish your healing or not. If you choose to peel the scab then I will let you see it bleed again and leave a darker, more permanent scar.
BUT if you trust Me, then I will heal you and the scar will only be a memory".

He then revealed to me that the reason I was struggling to "armor up" was because I was using His armor to hide not fight. I was using His armor inappropriately.

His armor is for warriors on the battlefield. Not for spectators watching from the sidelines.

When I finally opened up about what I was struggling with to my husband I was allowing my wound to "air out". In other words - God wants me to share my scabs until they are fully healed.

In the first pages of "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren it states:
"Real Spiritual growth is never an isolated, individualistic pursuit. Maturity is produced through relationships and community."

Well, here I am, again. Trying to "air out" and grow. Stepping out in faith, hoping to heal sooner than later.

God, I hate you!

If you had read my last blog then you will know that I am on an exploratory reading journey with Rick Warren's book "The Purpose Driven Life".

I am suppose to be on chapter 10 but because I am mulling over every word of every chapter there is a great possibility that this 40 day journey will take me several months. 
This book is rich in content and scripturally sound. I can't believe that I almost missed this opportunity. Thank God that He knows exactly what I need.

However, had I read this book 2 years ago, when I got it, I would have hated God MORE. So, I thank God for His PERFECT timing!

When I tell people that I "hate"d God, I sometimes wonder if they understand the depth of the hate that I'm speaking of. 
It's not a "oh, I hate God because He didn't give me what I wanted" like He's some sort of freakin' vending machine. That's just you being a spoiled brat. 
A natural kid taking a natural parent for granted. Not realizing that, guess what, people like me are orphans waiting to be adopted into a family. Wandering the world parentless. Knowing nothing of hope or love or kindness.

No, people, that's not the hate that I had for Him. It's deeper. Much deeper. And I did not know how deep the root of hate I had for Him was until I read chapter 2.

Chapter 2 is titled "You are not an accident". 
I was only able to read the first two sentences before I literally threw the book to the other side of the couch away from me. My breathing got very heavy and all the anger that I thought that I had "prayed away" came flooding back. I cried horrible, bitter tears. Many suppressed memories flooded back.

It was 5am and the last thing I wanted to do was wake anyone up because I didn't want to talk about the hate.  
I only want to talk about His blessings, His love, and the peace He gives me. 
I'm not that person anymore and I had to remind myself of that. I had to remind myself of the darkness He pulled me out of. I had to remind myself that I belonged to Him and that He sent JESUS for me and that no matter what - HE LOVES ME!!!

Over and over I kept telling God "I don't want to be mad at You anymore, I don't want to be mad at You anymore" and pleading with Him "PLEASE, help me not to be mad at You anymore. I want to love You and I want to stay in love with You". 

Chapter 2 was a hard day! 

As I journey through this book I will share my thoughts and my struggles. After all, a journey is always better when it's shared.

Let Address: Depression

A trail near my home I walk often. It helps me think.

Two weeks ago Monday I was overwhelmed with a very DEEP amount of sadness. I figured that I would just wait it out and go about my normal routine. By Friday I was such a mess that all I wanted to do was sleep. My hubby and kids knew that mommy just needed time to "pray it out". Unfortunately, it was not going away. And because I didn't want anyone to know that I was sad for some unknown reason - I hid it. 

Every emotion hurt and the only ones that knew was my husband, my kids, and my Lord.

Depression for me is nothing new. I had been diagnosed as being bipolar and told that I would always need to be medicated to live a "normal" life.  For almost eleven years I believed that LIE and in 2011 I decided to "try Jesus". If the Bible says that He died to heal us then I expected just that. 

My doctor was so against me stopping my meds that she threatened to have me arrested. Well, long story short, I don't really understand all that transpired that day with the doctor but someone stepped in to help me and I've been medication free since.

 

The journey has not been easy and I don't know how many years it will take but Lord willing, I expect a full healing.

Every year, since 2011, I battle a couple days of sadness. Sometimes longer when following a tragic event which is understandable. But this time, I had no reason to have been as sad as I was. This sadness was deeper.

This sadness was like a "I have never met Jesus" kind of sadness. It truly scared me because He has done nothing but bless me. My sadness was then followed by guilt. Then anger. Then self-hate.

I absolutely hated what I was going through because there was no reason for it. NONE.  

My beautiful little family

I'm in a beautiful marriage with a husband that loves and spoils me. I have two beautiful, smart, healthy, well-behaved kids. I live in a beautiful area in a beautiful home. God has done nothing but give me a beautiful life. And yet, I wanted to jump off the nearest bridge. What the hell was going on?

I was digging into His word, worshiping with praise music, reading all my devotionals, listening to sermons and praying, praying, praying.

Then Sunday came and the message preached was about apathy; 

• Is there something that God has told you to do but you are choosing not to do it? 
• Do you trust Him or not?

Well, it didn't take long for God to show me how disobedient I have been in my blogging. Sharing my thoughts has become quite scary since coming to Christ and the last thing I wanted to do was make it concrete and public. But if this is what it will take for my sadness to go away then so be it.

I don't understand what He's trying to do and why blogging out my messed up life is so important to Him but I'm choosing to stop asking "why" and start asking "what".

So, last Monday, I awoke early as usual and sat on my chair to read my studies as usual. But something was off and so I asked: "Lord, what is it?"

And He immediately took my eyes and LOCKED them to a book that I had been given 2 years ago by a man who stated that it would change my life. And because he was so convinced that it would change my life, I decided that I was never going to read it. I only had it on my shelf just in case someone wanted to read it. 

God knew that some "one" would be me!

The Purpose Driven Life

Today, I'm on chapter 7. 

The question that stuck out to me was on page58: Who are you going to live for -- yourself or God?

 -- I want to live for God! 

And if blogging is what He wants then HERE I AM... again. Stepping out in faith. Trying to be obedient.  

 

Lets Address: Fear, Porn, People and Jesus

This past Tuesday I felt a gnawing inner prompting to finally come out and share what Jesus was doing in my life and how He was just flowing Himself out of my YUCKY past and so with MUCH PRAYER and a LOT of sleepless nights --- to Facebook I went:

Well, after sharing my journey I felt so much freedom and peace. Awww... I could finally breath.
However, after about 2-3 hours I was hit with a "HOLY CRAP! WHAT DID I JUST DO!?" moment.

Oh, how quickly the enemy attacked me in full force as he brought to mind all the family members that are on my list and the hurt I would cause by such a public admission.

• My parents (who didn't know where I was for several years), 
• My siblings (some who knew where I was but never asked questions), 
• And church members that have sat in groups with me but have never heard this part of my past. 

But in all honesty, I had forgotten about it. Jesus was making me a new person. Why talk about such trash? Especially when Jesus was offering me a new and better life?

It is my belief that the most important reason why God placed it on my heart to be so open and transparent is because His children (the ones that call themselves "Christian" a.k.a. followers of Jesus Christ) are being led astray to believing that the porn flic "50 Shades of Grey" is just a movie. And not just a "provocative and disturbing movie" as proudly promoted by Christ-professing athlete Russell Wilson But a pornographic movie that can also bring "ALIVE" a dying and boring relationship. What??? Seriously?!!
So, let me get this straight:
A mainstream porn focused on bondage and sexual torture brings forth "life"???Are you kidding me?!! Noooooooooooo!!!! 
I'm newer to the Christian faith and even I'm not that dumb. Come on! Children of the Living God, followers of Jesus Christ -- you KNOW better!!! Do NOT be deceived!!!
Didn't Jesus already pay the ultimate price for your freedom? Why choose to be bound again???

Oh, how much the Father must be mourning. I know He wants His kids to KNOW that they are watching and filling their hearts and minds with evil lusts that will only bring them destruction and DEATH. That is what awaits them.
Did we learn nothing from the Israelites?? We, like them, will gain nothing but suffering for our blatant disobedience.

We ALL know this from the THOUSANDS of people that have suffered at the hands of  sexual abusers and delusional "fantasy seekers".
Sex-trafficking is a huge cash cow. Child porn and rape are both on the rise and it's because of pornographic films like these. But, unfortunately, the people that God has called to be His hands and feet in situations like these are too busy trying to glorify themselves and using their God-given platforms to promote sin. How sad! So very sad!
I've met Russell Wilson several times and I'm SO saddened by his confession and promotion of this pornography. Especially, when he also confesses Jesus Christ.
"Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? No!" - James 3:11
 
No! I don't have time for fear! I don't have time to appease people in their sin. It's time to love my neighbors enough to say "BROTHERS AND SISTERS, IN CHRIST, YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!! TURN AROUND!!! GOD LOVES YOU!!!". 

So, after days of being tormented about how people will see me, I've come to the conclusion that because of Jesus it really doesn't matter. I refuse to hide Jesus' redemptive work due to fearing people! I don't have room to care about their judgements. I only have room to care about people coming to know the REAL JESUS.

I want people to be free in Jesus. I want people to love themselves enough to love others PROPERLY. I want people to not be bound to addictions. Most importantly I want people to SEEK JESUS in breaking generational curses. Children should not be burdened by their parent's sinful choices and the curses that follow. Children need JOY! THEY NEED JESUS!!!

I refuse to continue hiding due to fear  because I love people and the God that created them.

If I call myself a follower of Jesus Christ then I am His disciple and as His disciple I honor Him with surrendering my WHOLE LIFE. My past, present, and future. NO MATTER THE COST!!!
People, family, and friends will come and go but JESUS IS FOREVER!!!

Luke 14:26
²⁶ “Anyone who wants to be My follower must love Me far more than he does his own father, mother, wife, children, brothers, or sisters—yes, more than his own life—otherwise he cannot be My disciple."

Trust God & Walk

Today I heard a sermon that really highlighted an issue that God has been dealing with me about for the past year.

The issue: I don’t know if I have come to a place where I fully trust God with EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything in my life!
I like to say that I trust Him but at the end of the day the question that He always brings back to me is “Surina, do YOU really trust Me?” and the answer I usually give Him is a hesitant “I do”. But do I? 

As I sit and write this, I wonder - is this the year? Is 2015 the year where I’m going to stop hiding my fear of making mistakes in my spiritual walk with Jesus? Is this the year that I abandon my will for His will in my life? Is this the year my faith will truly be lived out? I WANT TO TRY!!! I don’t want the regrets of yesterdays.

Then the only way I’m going to fully understand how to trust God with me is by walking out this faith in Him that I state I have. I can’t see my faith but I know it’s in me. It’s a weak muscle I need to work out if I’m ever going to see its full strength. So here I go… 

Last year, after my last blog, I had to stop. Actually, I chose to stop because I was too mad at God to even share or see my frustrations in written form. 
A week and a few days after I posted my last blog God sent me a test that sent me into a tailspin and the last thing I wanted was to share my shameful failure of faith and my bad attitude that matched. I was awful! My love and devotion for God immediately turned to hate and anger. I told Him that after I walked through the path that He had set before me I never wanted to hear from Him again.

That whole week I was an emotional wreck and I didn’t want anyone to be around me. I refused to love on my kids and I asked my husband for a divorce. I wanted to rid myself of what God had blessed me with. I was a nightmare to be around. I was throwing such a "holy-hell" fit that I got physically sick and had to stay in bed. My husband, lovingly, ignored my anger and cared for me. We both knew I was being ridiculous. God knew I was scared. You would think that God had asked me to walk on water to prove my faith or something but He wasn't.

He only asked me to walk with a friend that was dying and I freaked out because this friend had kids. 

To top it off, I was NOT to lean on anyone that I had leaned on before. This time it was me and Him and whomever HE decided was needed. 

I was to seek Him early, seek Him often, and seek Him always. 

My emotions were like a roller coaster. One minute I would love God and the next I would cuss Him out. 

I so desperate for someone else to give me answers to why I had to walk alone. Every time I would try to have someone walk my journey with me, God would quickly remove them. I was lonely and felt lost most of the time even though I could hear Him. 

My heart (that I tried to keep protected) hurt often. I wanted out but I loved my friend’s boys too much to walk away. 

I stayed because I was in love with his kids and God knew. He knew and He used it.

Today, I see that God was trying to give me an honorary first class seat. The path that I was trying to avoid has become one of the biggest blessings of my life. I got to experience God in amazing ways. My time before Him was rich in ways I can't explain into words. 

Now my friend’s widow and kids come over for play-dates and dinners. It has become a time where I get to hear all about what God is doing in their lives. How He is being the Father to my friend's boys and the better husband to his wife. 
It so humbles me to see their faith. 

I very rarely see true faith lived out for Jesus but that’s what I see at the end of this journey. Two little boys that are trusting their dad is with Jesus and a widow that is trusting God with her boys. 

It is amazing how God tests the "faith muscles" of His kids. Who am I to have received such a blessing? And how much of this would I have missed if I had stayed in my angry state? What is God doing with me?

I don't fully know who I am and what I am truly capable of but this year I want to try and I want to FULLY TRUST that God won't drop me. That my words about trusting Him will match my actions. No longer doubting His faithfulness. This is my prayer for 2015.