Walk LOVE out

1 of many more to come...

I don't believe that there is anything more damaging to a child than sexual abuse. To me, it's the epitome of evil.
For the past few months I've felt God's prompting to share the season I've been faced with again and I had 3 questions that I needed Him to answer and confirm that I was moving in His will and not my own:

1. Why now?
2. Why so public?
3. How?  

"I will walk at liberty,
For I seek Your precepts."~ Psalm 119:44

1. God, why now?

For me, this was my #1 question because 15 years ago I tried to stop this person but I literally got my ass handed back to me on a platter of shame and fear for going against the cultural, traditional, and familial norms.

Being shunned before, during, and after family events was a constant reminder to NEVER bring outside help in again. I did what I believed to be right and I was marked as wrong. From then on... nothing was the same. 

So, what has changed in 15 years? 

For me, I accepted Jesus as my Savior and His invitation for Him to show me why I was brought into this world the way I was. He invited me to know His purpose for me and although I refused His gift several times and tried to run away from Him like I was being chased down by a mass murder; I finally got tired and opened my hands to receive His gift. 

His gift has many levels of unwrapping and this season of unwrapping has been the absolute hardest. But I will trust that He knows what He is doing because He has shown Himself to be faithful as I step into obedience.

 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."~ Jeremiah 29:11 

2. God, why so public?

 When I asked Him this question He simply responded back with questions. Over the past 6 months our conversations went a lot like this: Him: red and me: black:

• "Surina, do you think that your family is the only one this is happening to?" --No. 
• "Surina, do you believe that there is a sin so hidden, a darkness so evil, a pit so deep that I won't reach out for one of My own and give them a Way to KNOW Me?" --No.
• "Surina, do you believe that My grace is sufficient to save everyone involved?" --Yes!
• "Then, Surina, will you trust Me to do a great and mighty work in and through this?" --Yes.
•  Is there an easier way? "NO!"  

 "Father... nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done.”~ Luke 22:42

3. God, how?

I've been trying to figure out since my last post how I was going to deliver this situation with God's grace and mercy because at the end of the day GOD'S LOVE MUST SUPERSEDE my personal hurts. 

The one thing that I have noticed about my commitment to follow Christ is that I don't know how He brings things around to be as beautiful as He does but; He faithfully does. 

The only answer that I received to this question was (like a Nike ad) just do it. Do what? "BLOG!"

So, there really is no other way to start the healing process then to just jump in and see what God does. My hope and prayer has been that God will set someone else free from the bondage of silence besides me as I walk to unlock doors and knock down walls. In Jesus Name!

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."~ Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Writing down my journey

I've had several dreams this week about writing and in my dreams I was very prepared to write whatever I was writing and I was okay with whatever was going on. I then woke up.

My reality is: I don't enjoy writing about my life and what God has taught me in the process! It's painful and I see it as a useless waste of time to share so much darkness, in written form. I can talk to others about it but I just can't write it.
When I talk about my journey then I can make it sound better than it was or laugh off the most painful parts and the hearer can see that it wasn't that bad. I want them to hear how God pulled me out of such a mess. I want them to overlook the dark stuff and when I see that they are hurt or bothered, I want to be there to fix it. I can control the situation.

But writing is different. I don't get to control how my story is read. I don't get to see a readers face. I don't get to laugh off the painful parts. I don't get to explain why the people in my life were so hurtful or why I was so hurtful. Justifications are out the window. I only get to write and wait for God to do His part.
I have NO control. None, zilch, nada, nothing, zero control and it's TERRIFYING. I only get to trust Him. And for me, that is the most agonizing part of writing my journey.

So, if it's so agonizing for me to do, then why do it??
Because, I would be in complete disobedience to the God I say I love and serve if I did not share the journey He has me on. I WANT TO BE OBEDIENT.
I don't want to call my God a liar. He is trustworthy and He has proven His faithfulness to me countless times and yet, I call him a liar when I don't trust Him.
Satan is the king of liars and I don't serve him but when I give in to my fears then by default he is who I'm trusting.

My last blogs took such an emotional toll on me that I stopped. The spiritual warfare was so heavy that I couldn't breathe. I would get anxiety just thinking about blogging and then tell God that maybe I heard him wrong. Then I would ask Him to redirect me and well, here I am. He redirected me right back here. :)

So, my hope and prayer for this blog is that God has His way with it. And that my faith will grow unimaginably. That a year from now I will look back and be absolutely astounded by His mighty works and that the dreams I have had this week will be made TRUE.

One day I will wake up and be prepared to write and I will be okay because I serve a God who loves me. I'm His girl. 

Choosing to be a mom

On Mother's Day, I walked away from my pastor's sermon with a statement he made that just struck me and I couldn't shake it.

He said "being a mom is truly a STEP OF FAITH".

What a profound statement. At least for me. I've never seen motherhood as a "step of faith".

I've seen women pop out kids left and right then recklessly neglect them. No faith required. 

Then there are women like myself where it took over ten years to just conceive two kids.
Did that mean we had less faith because our wombs weren't fertile enough to become moms? Or did he mean -- to raise children of faith took a step of faith? 
I will assume that this is what he really meant because I do believe he is wise.

Anyways, as the day went forth, I could not help but be thrown back in time to think about the beginning of my journey to becoming a mom.
On this Sunday, I saw with my very own eyes that I had become the mom I thought I could NEVER be.

Through my walk with Jesus I've become the mom I've always wanted.
The mom I've always yearned for. The mom I've never had, will never have, but will strive to be.

My journey as "mom" has been extremely hard and it's taken a lot of faith to make the decisions I've had to make to be where I'm at today and to live the life I'm living.

Mother Day 2015: My son made me a candy bowl and my girl wrote me a book :) 

I've heard that the beginning of every journey is started with one step and it wasn't until Sunday that I realized that my one step, thirteen years ago, was "truly a step of faith". A step that changed the whole course of my life and all I had to do was... make the call.
It was a call to say "I'm keeping my son".
It was the HARDEST call I've ever had to make.
To me, it was a call of "I failed you, again".
A call of defeat.

You see, my son was suppose to be the bridge for me to have a "mom". Not be a mom.

I failed to execute the plan. A plan that was years in the making. A plan that was fueled years ago when I was just a young girl.

There was no question that my mother was to get my son to raise as her own. As it was a custom in our culture.
The moment she got the call that I was pregnant, she knew it was hers and she didn't even have to ask "if?" only "when?". My womb was hers.

But... I FAILED. Again.
I was so close and still failed.

I had flown across the country. I was only one flight away from the final destination. My mom was excited and prepared.

But... 
it took one person (during a layover) to open my eyes and speak to me with the heart of a mother. She knew what I was chasing after and she cared enough to tell me:
"he'll get what you got. She doesn't change. Think about it".

I did... I did... I did and she was was right.
Deep down, even as a young girl, I always knew the plan was flawed.

From the day my son was born I had refused to hold him unless he needed to be fed. I knew he wasn't mine but at that moment, in that room, with a plane ticket in one hand and his tiny hand in the other, I had a choice. To be a mom or gain a "brother". That was the custom. 

My brain scrambled for answers and I needed to make a decision, quickly. Time was running out.

To keep him would mean change and I had a career where I traveled 5-6 days a week. I didn't have time for a baby but the thought of him having a childhood like mine tormented me. I couldn't do it. Not to him.

I needed help in my final decision. I needed to call the man whose last words to me were "I hate you". I needed to call his dad.
I knew his dad would say yes to keeping him since he had been begging me to change my plans but I wasn't ready to be a mom and I didn't want to be with a man.

For the first time, on that day, I fully understood that my decision would affect someone completely innocent.  
Whether I wanted him or not. He was innocent. And he was here.  
   
Deep down I felt like I had been tricked. My choice of when to be a mom was stolen. I felt like I was locked in a prison with a baby I didn't want. I had no one to blame but myself.

I wanted a mother so badly that I was willing to believe in a lie. That day I failed everyone.

I was angry at myself and in my anger, I chose to parent a son. Then later, a daughter.
One born for barter and one born out of guilt.  
I wish it wasn't the case but to say otherwise would be a lie.

Mother's Day 2015

What I never wanted was what I really needed. God in His mercy knew I needed to learn about Him through them. 

Physically, I was fine but emotionally and spiritually -- I was a huge mess. I didn't know anything about being a parent and my kids deserved so much better than what I had to offer. That is where Jesus came in:

• I didn't know how to love so -- He taught me how to love them.
• I didn't know peace so -- He gave me peace to be patient with them.
• I didn't know how to fight for them so -- He gave me strength to do what needed to get done.
• I didn't know how to raise them so -- He guided me to caring for their needs.
• I didn't know if I could trust Him so -- He spoke to me throughout the day.
• I didn't know how to work together with their father so -- He taught me how to pray.
• I didn't know what I was doing so -- He used His people to show me how near He was.

The people He used were not in the church because I wouldn't go to a church until years into my parenting. I don't even know if the people used knew God but God used them in my life and I'm so grateful for them and their willingness to help me.

God even used their father to help me become a better mother. So, I married him. :)

I do not fully understand why God entrusted me with two amazing kids but He did.

Now, all I can do is raise them up and send them out. 
I want them to give back to the people that helped me be the mom that they received.
That's it. 
Train them up in the Word of God and send them out in Jesus name.

So to be a mom truly does take faith -- if you're raising children to walk against the flow of the social filth being shoved in their faces each and every day.
Yeah, to raise strong kids that love God is truly a "step of faith".

"Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."~Psalm 22:6

My Prayer:
Father God, Please help me to be a good steward of the kids you have entrusted to me. Give me strength to raise them for You. Your way, not mine.
Amen

Trust God & Walk

Today I heard a sermon that really highlighted an issue that God has been dealing with me about for the past year.

The issue: I don’t know if I have come to a place where I fully trust God with EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything in my life!
I like to say that I trust Him but at the end of the day the question that He always brings back to me is “Surina, do YOU really trust Me?” and the answer I usually give Him is a hesitant “I do”. But do I? 

As I sit and write this, I wonder - is this the year? Is 2015 the year where I’m going to stop hiding my fear of making mistakes in my spiritual walk with Jesus? Is this the year that I abandon my will for His will in my life? Is this the year my faith will truly be lived out? I WANT TO TRY!!! I don’t want the regrets of yesterdays.

Then the only way I’m going to fully understand how to trust God with me is by walking out this faith in Him that I state I have. I can’t see my faith but I know it’s in me. It’s a weak muscle I need to work out if I’m ever going to see its full strength. So here I go… 

Last year, after my last blog, I had to stop. Actually, I chose to stop because I was too mad at God to even share or see my frustrations in written form. 
A week and a few days after I posted my last blog God sent me a test that sent me into a tailspin and the last thing I wanted was to share my shameful failure of faith and my bad attitude that matched. I was awful! My love and devotion for God immediately turned to hate and anger. I told Him that after I walked through the path that He had set before me I never wanted to hear from Him again.

That whole week I was an emotional wreck and I didn’t want anyone to be around me. I refused to love on my kids and I asked my husband for a divorce. I wanted to rid myself of what God had blessed me with. I was a nightmare to be around. I was throwing such a "holy-hell" fit that I got physically sick and had to stay in bed. My husband, lovingly, ignored my anger and cared for me. We both knew I was being ridiculous. God knew I was scared. You would think that God had asked me to walk on water to prove my faith or something but He wasn't.

He only asked me to walk with a friend that was dying and I freaked out because this friend had kids. 

To top it off, I was NOT to lean on anyone that I had leaned on before. This time it was me and Him and whomever HE decided was needed. 

I was to seek Him early, seek Him often, and seek Him always. 

My emotions were like a roller coaster. One minute I would love God and the next I would cuss Him out. 

I so desperate for someone else to give me answers to why I had to walk alone. Every time I would try to have someone walk my journey with me, God would quickly remove them. I was lonely and felt lost most of the time even though I could hear Him. 

My heart (that I tried to keep protected) hurt often. I wanted out but I loved my friend’s boys too much to walk away. 

I stayed because I was in love with his kids and God knew. He knew and He used it.

Today, I see that God was trying to give me an honorary first class seat. The path that I was trying to avoid has become one of the biggest blessings of my life. I got to experience God in amazing ways. My time before Him was rich in ways I can't explain into words. 

Now my friend’s widow and kids come over for play-dates and dinners. It has become a time where I get to hear all about what God is doing in their lives. How He is being the Father to my friend's boys and the better husband to his wife. 
It so humbles me to see their faith. 

I very rarely see true faith lived out for Jesus but that’s what I see at the end of this journey. Two little boys that are trusting their dad is with Jesus and a widow that is trusting God with her boys. 

It is amazing how God tests the "faith muscles" of His kids. Who am I to have received such a blessing? And how much of this would I have missed if I had stayed in my angry state? What is God doing with me?

I don't fully know who I am and what I am truly capable of but this year I want to try and I want to FULLY TRUST that God won't drop me. That my words about trusting Him will match my actions. No longer doubting His faithfulness. This is my prayer for 2015.