Healing a Hitler heart

Have you ever hated a specific group of people so much that if they were set on fire and you had the ability to put it out but you hesitated because you had to think about whether or not they deserved to live??

It's sad that I would ever admit to having this much hate in my heart for a specific group but as a follower of Jesus Christ I need to shed His light on it or I can NEVER truly FOLLOW HIM.
The purpose and plans of God for my life will be (and has been) stalled and no matter how much I try to manipulate my journey to move forward I will always fall short and go around the same damn mountain again because the root of my hate was never plucked out.

BUT... it's time.

For 2018, I do NOT want to continue the year with this much anger, bitterness, and hate inside of me because I've been called to walk alongside these same people. These people that I now call my brothers and sisters in Christ. My spiritual siblings.

Lets address my journey with religious leaders and how God brought me to a place where I can see them as human beings able to do more good than harm.

It's not enough to "tolerate" people. YOU MUST LOVE THEM!!!

Before my dad died we had three conversations and the first conversation that we had (after 18 years of not talking to each other) I shared with him my choice to be a Christian. 

He, of course, was displeased and concerned for me. He then said to me "Rina, remember how I raised you."

Of course I remember.
He was the reason I questioned every religion and spiritual person who came into my path. Whether a person was nice or not didn't matter because I had a very thick filter to screen out religious bullshit. Oh, yeah, his voice was heard loud and clear.

As a young girl being forced to conform into my mother's Catholic religion or be beaten to a pulp; I hungered for the god he said didn't exist. I wanted the "no god" he had because the "god" being represented to me was one of hate, lust, and pure evil. 

But at the same time my dad was an alcoholic who held little hope for human kind.

So, the question for me as a young girl was:

What is the purpose of being alive when the "god" being represented is one so hateful that I hated life and why fight to stay alive when there is nothing better than death? 

Why not just kill myself and end a journey that should've never begun?

This has been my decade long journey with the God I thought I knew. And at every turn He would reveal to me His truths and would not let go of me no matter how much I ran away from Him and clawed at His kids.

Every time I tried to escape His sight, even in the most lewd of places, He would put one of His kids in my path to remind me of His presence. Unfortunately, so did satan.
Spiritual warfare is no joke. 

So began my lessons to learn the difference between good and evil, right and wrong, love and hate, God and no god.
And my teachers all along the way... religious leaders. Some good and some not so good but all appointed to guide me along my journey.

Each leader flawed in a very specific way to remind me that my eyes are to stay on Jesus.
Each leader showcasing a weakness or strength that I am to learn from. Each leader extended grace sufficient enough for their own path set before them. A path that would momentarily cross my path to teach me of the God that loved me so much that He came to give me a heart of flesh for His people and His Spirit to guide my feet Home.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh"~ Ezekiel 36:26

 

Danny: A brother for Christmas.

My whole childhood is captured in one name: Daniel

I'll never forget the day I saw and met Danny. I was seven and he was five. He was short with long hair, silver teeth and a mouth that always got him into trouble. I didn't know who he was when we first met but, unbeknownst to us both, we were about to be bound together for the next seven years.

Christmas Eve to Christmas Eve.

On the Christmas Eve of 1986 my whole world changed.
My parents that had adopted me divorced and my custodial dad gave my mother permission to have me for, what was to be my first, Christmas. On that visit I was taken and never returned home to my dad. The pain of that day stayed with me long after we reconnected a decade later.

That year for Christmas I was given a new home, a new language, a new culture, a new name, a new brother, a new dad, and a whole new life.  The process to assimilate me was immediate.

I HATED CHRISTMAS!

This past year God has really been trying to show me the beauty of my story because I don't see it like He sees it. It's taken me years to see an ounce of beauty in my journey because I see mostly hate and anger and most of it is directed at Him. But here I am... still walking with Him. Striving to see what He sees. As frustrated as I get at Him I still try because something in me hurts when I don't.  
The pain of stopping is greater than the pain of continuing.  
The only thing that I am certain of is that my purpose is VERY specific and He will only show it to me as I take steps of obedience towards Him. Like this blog.
Honestly, I hate it.
I wish He would just tell me what the end goal is so I could just do it and end what feels like a slow death... BUT, NO SUCH LUCK.
He wants me to just walk with Him. One step at a time. Slow and steady. Not to miss anything.
Details, no matter how minute, are very important to Him. He's meticulous.

There's a story behind my year-round Nativity. One of love and redemption.

 A couple months ago, as I was reminiscing with my kids about my childhood, something in me happened. Throughout the next few weeks God kept reminding me of Danny. He kept reminding me of our childhood together.
Lots of memories: the good, the bad, and the ones I have tried to scrub out and forget. Each memory came with either tears, laughter or anger.

Danny had a way of making me so mad that I'd throw knives at him or laugh so hard that I'd get into trouble. For seven years he was my constant companion.

My memories of us together were all over the place.
One minute I'd be laughing about cutting his hair so people would stop thinking he was a girl and bullies would stop picking on him, however; I found out later that it wasn't his hair but his mouth that was getting him into fights. Fights that I had to get him out of or I'd get in trouble for not protecting him.
And then the next minute I'd be crying my eyes out over the memory of how he would help me to get dressed for school after my beatings because my body was so swollen I couldn't lift my arms. 
He was always there helping me escape to a better place; even when it was only in my mind.

Back and forth my memories went. Laughing and crying but always trying to stay clear of "those" memories. Sexual abuse... I can't go there. Not in this blog. Not this year.
 
In the midst of all the memories playing in my mind, God finally asked me:

"Would you do it again for Danny?"

I was taken aback by the question. Somewhat offended. I would've never asked such a question to myself because my whole childhood was wrapped up in him and I couldn't even imagine it any other way. Anyone who saw Danny saw me and that was just the way it was. We were inseparable.

The thought made my heart drop and my stomach feel sick because I would not have survived. He spoiled my suicide.

"As painful as my childhood was to live through, I would do it again to have Danny in my life."

And with that answer, my ability to see God's story in my life slowly unfolded a little bit more for me.

I had focused so much on the loss of my dad that I didn't realize the gift God had given me in exchange.
My first Christmas gift was my companion, friend and brother Danny. 

I can't be mad anymore about that part of my life now. A painful memory made beautiful.

The last gift Danny gave me before I was sent away.

On the Christmas Eve of 1993 my whole world was about to change yet again. I was being sent away.
In less than 24 hours I went from a tropical island in the Pacific Ocean to the frigid cold state of Alaska.

Before I left, Danny gave me a little box. In it was a shiny gold cross. He put it in my hand and walked away. He was mad at me. I can't blame him. I was leaving him. In seven years we had never been apart.

Several years later, he would remind me that I had left him and that a void replaced me. My mother's rage was also redirected at him and I was to blame. He was right.
It was never my intention to alter his life in such a negative way by leaving but at fourteen I didn't know what else to do. I was not given an option to stay and I was tired of the beatings.
After high school I was asked by our dad to return home but it was too late. There was no turning back.I had to continue moving forward. I was no longer the same teenage girl that left home.

I had become independent.

So, how significant was my relationship with Danny??

 

Two of the most important, life-altering decisions I've ever made were because of him. Both blessed by God for my life journey.

1. My decision to have a second child. 

Inara's birth. I almost didn't have her but Danny's name was used and here she is.

In 2001, when my son was born, I had several plans written and signed. One of the papers that I had signed in the very beginning of my pregnancy was to have a tubal ligation after his birth. I had no plans on keeping a child or having another child.
Paul, my son's father (whose now my husband), agreed that I should never have kids since I wasn't keeping the one I was carrying.
Everything was going according to plans until my son was born.

As we were waiting for the doctors to take me to another room to have my surgery Paul started freaking out about his son needing a sibling. I don't know what possessed him to start talking so crazy but I was tired from giving birth and I was not in any mood to hear his nonsense.

I couldn't wait for everything to be done. I had accomplished what I had set out to do and I was ready for everything to end.
When the nurse entered our room with the wheelchair, I got in and sat down. As she was about to push forward to leave, Paul got on his knees by my side and in a last desperate attempt said:

"What would your life have been like if you didn't have your brother Daniel to play with and make you laugh?"

 And with that question, my life plans changed direction. It pained me to think of not having him.

Four and a half years later I got pregnant with a girl. I never expected to have a girl but God knew I needed a daughter to set a holy fear in me. And she does. She blesses my life tremendously.


2. My decision to allow my current pastor to speak into my life.

No. I wasn't calling my pastor an ass on facebook. He was trying to be funny in describing a word and I wasn't afraid to call it out. And no, I'm not sorry for doing so.

To say that my experience with religious leaders is "not good" is an understatement. God has had to put me into a corner at times to get me to see that not all religious leaders are evil, conniving little monsters. I'm still in process.

In May of 2012 I was given a very specific pastor. I don't know why but I do remember specifically walking in and standing at the stairs near the large water fountain when my husband pointed him out to me. I remember the first words I spoke to the Lord were "nope! I will not be trained by a child!" because that's what I saw. Everything about him was childlike. He kept bouncing around and laughing. He was way too carefree as a pastor in my book. 
However, when it was time for him to teach I, literally, saw the Holy Spirit fall out of his face. I was moved to my knees but still not totally convinced that he was "my" pastor. I needed a more solid confirmation.

You would think that his name (Daniel) would have been a solid enough confirmation for me but it wasn't.
I continued to attend his sermons and decided to read his book and research his beliefs. Still nothing.

A few months later he taught on sexual immorality within the church. I couldn't help but look to my left and right because the shocked faces and conviction within that building was absolutely beautiful and when he didn't apologize at the end of his sermon (like my previous pastors) I knew he was my pastor.
However, I still needed more. I needed to hear God's voice about him for me.

I needed His confirmation to be so solid that I could stand still and no matter how much I pulled away it would yank me back in place.

So, I continued to wait.  

2015. It was a rough year.

On the Christmas week of 2015 I was given the confirmation that I had been waiting for. God's voice.

A week prior to that Christmas I received news that the brother I had forgiven for sexual abuse was now in jail and that his kids were placed into foster care. The charge: child rape.
What I absolutely feared would happen -- happened. I was devastated.

I immediately told the Lord that He needed to put me back at my old church where I could have people walk with me. I needed help to stay sane. He didn't respond. 

On the day after Christmas, I awoke early, grabbed my Bible and began to search for an answer since I wasn't hearing Him. My heart was extremely heavy and I didn't want to blame the only ONE who could help me find answers. I was a desperate mess.
As I was walking past my Christmas tree, to fill my wine glass, an ornament caught my eye. It was a silver angel with "Bless and protect Daniel" inscribed on it (first pic on this blog).

I, immediately, heard:

"Surina, I had a Danny walk with you in the beginning and I have a Danny walking with you now. Be still."

Well, His confirmation was very clear and His command was simple: BE STILL. I was to stay put at the church He sent me to because I was exactly where I was meant to be during that season of my life. 
It was a hard command to obey but I did it and I learned a lot about God during that season.

When I left home I took no pictures with me but here he is. My Danny.

Sometimes I wonder... how else will God use Danny as a confirmation in my journey of life? How much more will his name carry weight within me? What's the next life-altering decision to be made because of him?

This blog. About him. 

 

When Jesus hijacks your life -- LET HIM!!!

First off, I will be honest in sharing that Jesus didn't just change my plans HE KILLED'EM!! All of them!
In fact, when I asked Him which of my plans I could hold on to He said "nothing but Me."

For several years I fought against Him but I always lost and today... I'm SO glad because I didn't know how much He wanted to bless me.

Take my advice and save yourself the headache and heartache: 

LET JESUS HIJACK YOUR LIFE.

I was raised to be very analytical and so I set a lot of goals for myself. Anything that strayed from the target was quickly eradicated.
You ever meet those kids that know exactly what they want to do when they're older? That was me.

As a young girl I had literally planned out my whole life by the time I was 14.
I knew exactly what I wanted to do, how I was going to do it and even with so many odds against me, when I turned 21... I was done.

My plan was simple -- travel the world.

Of course, I never planned on meeting Jesus... 

At twenty I had accomplished the very things I had planned on since childhood and I was still miserable. 
The people who were actively in my life were good to me and I was still miserable.
I wasn't tied down to the responsibilities of kids or marriage nor did I desire it and I was still miserable. 
I had more money and materialistic crap than I've ever had or wanted and I was still miserable.
I had my own apartment (which was uncommon for first year stewardesses) but I was traveling and staying in 5-star hotels and I was still miserable. 
I could travel anywhere in the world dirt cheap but I was still miserable.

By the world's standards, my life as a young woman looked perfect.
With all the obstacles that I had broken through to get to where I was at I should have been happy but I was miserable and extremely suicidal. I already wrote about my salvation day here.


Anyways, when I first accepted Jesus into my life I had no idea what it entailed. I figured that I'd try Him out and see what happens. If I didn't like Him then I would just leave. I had nothing to lose. Right??

BOY WAS I WRONG!!

 

 But at the end of the day, I didn't care because I couldn't get away from Him. I had fallen in love with His presence. 
When I was obedient to His promptings... He was very near. 

 Likewise, when I was disobedient He stepped away and waited for me to come back to Him. I knew when He was near and when He was absent.

 

When I was told that accepting Jesus was accepting an actual PERSON into my life I didn't understand but I forged ahead anyways and I lost EVERYTHING that "I believed" was important to me.

•  The plans that I thought I wanted was exchanged for Jesus's presence, plans, and purpose for me.
• The toxic people I thought I couldn't live without has been replaced with people who are safe to entrust with my heart and that of my children.
• The shameful habits I thought I needed in order to feel fulfilled has Jesus walking with me as I seek hope and healing in community with His people.
• The isolation I thought that kept me safe but in reality was keeping me hostage has been filled with people that love me and my children.
• The marriage I never wanted gave me my very first best friend ever. He's so gracious to me it's ridiculous.
• The children I never wanted teach me EVERY SINGLE DAY about the LOVE, MERCY, and GRACE of the God that calls me His.

 

I would NEVER have imagined my life the way it is today. Never.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Thanking a saint for service.

This week as I was strolling through my Instagram account I was hit with a very sobering reality -- there are parents that sacrifice their time from raising their children to reach out to my child to come to know the love of Jesus.

Oh, the sacrifice of God's saints...

   

Instagram photo by Charlotte Gambill (charlgambill)

  When I saw this photo I immediately was in tears because this woman, this mum, this servant, is the one who preached my daughter to Jesus and to see her daughter's sad face was all I needed to tell this woman how grateful I was for her families sacrifice. I was not expecting a back response because I didn't think that sharing our experience with her was that big a deal. Obviously it was...

Thank you for your service!

I think as Christians we are made to believe that these traveling saints are living a glamorous life of travel with lots of people attentively listening to every word that falls from their face BUT really these saints are called to a life of continual goodbyes, personal/enemy attacks, bad weather travel delays, and the constant reminder that tomorrow is not promised to them or their families. So, every goodbye could be the last goodbye.

BUT....for the Gospel and Hope of delivering the Goodnews of Jesus they GO! They and their families GO! Sometimes together but most of the time apart. But nevertheless, for Jesus, they all GO!

Praise God for families like the Gambills! Thank You Jesus for their love and obedience to You. May You bless their feet as they walk this earth with Your LOVE in hand. 

 If you ever get a chance to thank a saint that is traveling for the sake of the Gospel please take the time to say "THNANK YOU!!!" In Jesus name.     

Choosing to move Closer to God

You ever have a time in your life where you get hit in the face by the sheer evil in this world and you fall down on your knees and the first words that come out of your mouth is "God, I hate you!" and God starts to tell you about how much He loves you and you tell Him that He's the reason for all your problems. Then as you sit in your pool of tears broken and tired from the weight of hate that you finally say "okay, help me. What do I do?" and He simply says "worship Me." Then He brings you that one song that becomes a light in that time of darkness. Ever have those days???

Well, I did a few days ago and I literally had this song play until it became a part of me. Until I could believe every single word about His love for me.
I've never heard of this song until that day and now, it's part of my library.

Walk LOVE out

1 of many more to come...

I don't believe that there is anything more damaging to a child than sexual abuse. To me, it's the epitome of evil.
For the past few months I've felt God's prompting to share the season I've been faced with again and I had 3 questions that I needed Him to answer and confirm that I was moving in His will and not my own:

1. Why now?
2. Why so public?
3. How?  

"I will walk at liberty,
For I seek Your precepts."~ Psalm 119:44

1. God, why now?

For me, this was my #1 question because 15 years ago I tried to stop this person but I literally got my ass handed back to me on a platter of shame and fear for going against the cultural, traditional, and familial norms.

Being shunned before, during, and after family events was a constant reminder to NEVER bring outside help in again. I did what I believed to be right and I was marked as wrong. From then on... nothing was the same. 

So, what has changed in 15 years? 

For me, I accepted Jesus as my Savior and His invitation for Him to show me why I was brought into this world the way I was. He invited me to know His purpose for me and although I refused His gift several times and tried to run away from Him like I was being chased down by a mass murder; I finally got tired and opened my hands to receive His gift. 

His gift has many levels of unwrapping and this season of unwrapping has been the absolute hardest. But I will trust that He knows what He is doing because He has shown Himself to be faithful as I step into obedience.

 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."~ Jeremiah 29:11 

2. God, why so public?

 When I asked Him this question He simply responded back with questions. Over the past 6 months our conversations went a lot like this: Him: red and me: black:

• "Surina, do you think that your family is the only one this is happening to?" --No. 
• "Surina, do you believe that there is a sin so hidden, a darkness so evil, a pit so deep that I won't reach out for one of My own and give them a Way to KNOW Me?" --No.
• "Surina, do you believe that My grace is sufficient to save everyone involved?" --Yes!
• "Then, Surina, will you trust Me to do a great and mighty work in and through this?" --Yes.
•  Is there an easier way? "NO!"  

 "Father... nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done.”~ Luke 22:42

3. God, how?

I've been trying to figure out since my last post how I was going to deliver this situation with God's grace and mercy because at the end of the day GOD'S LOVE MUST SUPERSEDE my personal hurts. 

The one thing that I have noticed about my commitment to follow Christ is that I don't know how He brings things around to be as beautiful as He does but; He faithfully does. 

The only answer that I received to this question was (like a Nike ad) just do it. Do what? "BLOG!"

So, there really is no other way to start the healing process then to just jump in and see what God does. My hope and prayer has been that God will set someone else free from the bondage of silence besides me as I walk to unlock doors and knock down walls. In Jesus Name!

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."~ Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Be moved by LOVE!

The FIRST thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.

I never really thought of myself as a soldier. More like a prisoner of war. If you know my story then you know exactly why I feel like my life was hijacked from the day I was born. No matter how much I tried to break free, I couldn't. But that's a whole different blog for another time.

Today I want to share the season that I am currently limping through. This season with Jesus has been the MOST difficult. 
I do NOT believe that there will be a more difficult season than this current season. I DO believe that if I can get through this season then my journey of faith will be all down hill from here. Not just for myself but EVERYONE involved. 

It is my prayer that Jesus will be glorified above all the pain and that the love of God will be in full display. I want everyone to heal.  EVERYONE!

As I write and share this journey the #1 person I have in my mind is my first dad that passed in 2012 and how he tried to fix the family on his death bed. He knew he hurt his kids by being silent when he shouldn't have been and what he feared the most is here. And I'm done with it!

I believe I owe it to him to finish what he was trying to fix.

One thing I always tell my kids is that if you keep something in the dark then satan has every right to mess with you because YOU have given him a place to dwell. Well, I believe that he has overstayed his welcome in this family and it's time for him to go back to hell where he belongs. In Jesus Name!

So, today I'm ONLY going to share the marching orders that I was given back in October but, family (if you're reading this), after today... I'm done with hiding in shame and fear. IT'S TIME TO HEAL AND GROW!! 

Dad would be devastated if he was alive to see the crap going on right now. I know that I am the youngest and the "add on" to the family but don't be too surprised if this is why out of all the families that I could have been found by; it was you. Whether you all see me as a blessing or a curse is up to you.
I love our family but I HATE what is happening. Lets begin to heal because our family is not the only one satan is trying to destroy. This is why I am making this journey public. WE ARE NOT THE ONLY FAMILY! 

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."~Hebrews 12:11

I believe our family will be blessed if we allow God to heal us. In Jesus Name!

Ever since 2011, God seemed to give me marching orders for the following year and they always came between mid-October and mid-November. It's kinda strange but every year I take notes and every word He had spoken was EXACTLY what I needed to make it through that year. And thank God because 2012 was a crazy BUSY year. This year is PAINFUL!

These are the marching orders I received on 10/19/15:

1. Surina, BE PRUDENT:  I need you to have an eternal perspective for those I give you.
2. Surina, BE WISE:  I need you to Seek Me FIRST in everything from EVERYWHERE.
3. Surina, BE MOVED BY LOVE:  Surina, You DO NOT take a single step until you recognize that My LOVE is in place!!!

I believe that the time has arrived...

Have I been walking out my marching orders since receiving them???
Well, I believe that although I have had several break downs, I have done a good enough job of limping my way through this season and for 6 months I have not lashed out in anger worsening the pain we already feel. And now I am able to blog truthfully and do so in a way that is loving and honoring to the God I serve.

Although I would like to ignore what is going on and just focus on my own little family (because it's easier) it would be Selfish and dad wasn't selfish when he took me in. Plus, I would be a coward and last I checked mom didn't raise me to cower.

So, today as I sit and write this blog I'm in awe of how DEEP God's love goes and how FAR He is willing to reach out to His kids. But don't be fooled... like the days of Noah, He will bring judgement if rebellion continues. He disciplines His kids out of His great love for us:

"My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline,
    and don’t be upset when he corrects you.
¹² For the Lord corrects those he loves,
    just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights." ~Proverbs 3:11-12

Family, we must heed to His discipline!!!

 

Honestly, I don't agree with His methods nor do I agree to the ones He extends His hand of mercy to BUT... I WILL OBEY HIM because I don't know what the future holds and I don't know how He will use it to heal others BUT what I do know is that when God says that He...

"....is NOT willing that any ONE should perish."~ Matthew 18:14

He means it!!! 

God is MADLY and PASSIONATELY in LOVE with YOU and He wants to heal YOU!!  IN JESUS NAME

***If you're wondering why I keep highlighting -- In Jesus Name -- because He is the ONLY WAY that can FULLY HEAL ANYONE.

God, I'm a mess!

I remember the first time that God put it in my heart to start blogging my journey back in February 2012 and I was like "hell no!" because people already thought that I was weird and that the comments that I made always made waves that I never intended. Both good and bad. 
I also got more attention than I wanted. I hated it. I didn't like good attention but I really loved bad attention. I felt more deserving of it. Plus I liked fights and pissing people off. It was almost a hidden gift.

So, when God started to show me that I can do good and that I'm worthy of positive affirmation I immediately pulled away. However, because I wanted God to continue to grow me in my faith of who He was... I was willing to write. BUT only under an alias. I didn't want to be stung by the pain of acceptance or feed my rebellion on rejection. I was able to freely write my thoughts and prayers.

Eventually, over a year later, I felt a deep conviction for hiding my growing love affair with Him and decided to start this blog attached to my real name because our relationship is very real. 

However, before I closed down my alias blog I saved all my posts and decided that I would keep it for memories of my journey. 

Well, this morning one of my pastors preached a very strong message about being real with God in prayers and said to "be honest about being full of lust...". 

I immediately thought about my #1 viewed post where I shared a prayer that I truly felt like God wanted me to share openly. 

Here it is:

Title: I’m a mess but… I’m His mess. 4/7/12

 

 If you have ever felt like a mess then tell Him!

Me:  God, I’m a mess.

Hugely flawed in so many ways and yet, Lord, You still want me? What for? 
Just throw me away like the worthless trash that I am. I came to You haughty, prideful, and full of anger and yet You say “come”?
I have yelled at You and cursed Your name and still You say “come”? 
I’ve stabbed You in the back and denied You openly, mocking Your ways and yet You still say “come”? 
Father, what do You see of me that is remotely worthy of Your kingdom? 
What do I have that You see of use? NOTHING! I HAVE NOTHING! I AM NOTHING! 
I’m a disgusting human full of selfishness and lust. Yet, You still say “come”? Why??

God: Because, Surina, I LOVE YOU!

I knew you before you were ever born. I predestined your path before you ever took a step. You were made for My perfect will. I Am your Father and you are My daughter through the blood of Jesus Christ. In His blood I made  you worthy. In His blood I will make your nothing into My something. 

Surina, JUST TRUST ME!!!

Me: Father, help me then to be willing! I’m tired of trusting in my own ways and the ways of this world. I'm tired of failing to be perfect. Have Your way with me, Lord. LET YOUR WILL BE DONE!!!

_____________________________________________________________________________

This prayer was written during a time in my walk where I was doing everything right and I was walking with people that I thought were godly (the churched) and yet, internally, I felt like I was dying. 
I didn't know what was happening. I just knew that a part of me, internally, had stopped growing and was dying. I hurt.

Just today (2/14/16) I realized that God answered my prayer within in a month after this prayer was posted. 
The way He answered my prayer was not what I expected and so I put up a HUGE fight because His direction was towards a new church and a new church body. 

I loved the church body I was in and saw no reason to move but I'll have to blog later about fighting that year long losing battle. 

A month after this prayer post I followed His lead and was met with this message called: Patriarchs: The calling of Abram

Whatever was inside of me needed to hear this message because when it was time for communion I went down and dropped to my knees to cry and kiss the steps. 
I wasn't sure if that church allowed what I was doing but my body was starving for whatever I had received that I stayed there until the pastor came back out again. 

 "As the deer pants for water, so I long for you, O God.  

I thirst for God, the living God." ~ Psalm 42:1-2

Today as I sit and write this, I'm so glad I lost the battle against God in that season because I would have never seen my life the way that it is today. 

#ThankYouJesus

   

"Coming Out" for Christ's sake

Trying to share (in written form) how I came to accept Jesus's gift of salvation is really hard when I'm NOT willing to share in what way He reached out to me. 

How He delivered Christ's Gospel to me was done with such meticulous love and care that I am in AWE of His gracious MERCY.

When I think back to that day, in that hotel room, I can't help but say "THANK YOU JESUS!!!"

 So, this blog is a "coming out" of sort, which shouldn't be a shock for those who personally know me.

"Surina, I perfectly love you!"

In order for me to SHARE Jesus honestly and to WALK boldly for Him I must COME OUT and "walk in the Light" of Who I say I serve, love and trust.

Jesus said: “If you love Me, keep My commandments."- John 14:15

I do love Him AND I want to keep His commandments.  

I want my words to match my actions.

After my last blog I realized that I couldn't continue writing and I couldn't boldly share Jesus because my WHOLE walk with Him always came down to ONE issue that I was trying to ignore: homosexuality. 

I believed that since I was no longer in that lifestyle it didn't need to be spoken about but I'm wrong because I'm hiding.  

In Christ there is no such thing as hiding. 

I never thought that I would share or need to share this part of my past so publicly and so much out of my control but because I am CHOOSING to walk closer with Jesus, He has brought this part of my life to the surface.

 

Okay! Here I go...

Homosexuality has been a part of me since childhood and I honestly can't believe that the strength of my whole walk with Jesus is hinged on whether or not to write about this ONE ISSUE but...  

OBEDIENCE is where I'm at in this journey.

My disobedience has been very destructive.  

Instead of pushing through the pain and writing about it I resorted back into my normal reaction of being very angry with God. I've been doing all sorts of good things and still He was sending me back. It wasn't fair. I distanced myself from Him hoping that somehow His peace would go with me but It didn't. 

I began to spiral into another deep depression. I isolated myself and reverted to self-harm.

This destructive cycle has repeated itself for 3 years (on and off since my first blog) and with every cycle I became more suicidal and contemplated going back on my medication just because my kids would sense that something was very wrong in me.  

My kids are very intuitive, especially with me, because I'm always very honest with them; even to a fault.

Even though I would smile, on the inside I was a suicidal mess and they could tell.

To make matters worse, God had called me to attend a new church and it was HARD. The people didn't know me so for the first time since coming to Christ, I created an "I'm fine" church mask. A mask I hated and didn't wear well. 

My bad situation instantly became worse. 

However, I stayed obedient in knowing that He had sent me there.

I was at a new church around new people in a new season of growth and I was not liking it at all. 

Every Sunday I tried to glean some hope of how I could "maneuver" (more like manipulate) my walk with Jesus.

Every Sunday the pastor would preach something that SCREAMED: 

"SURINA, GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF THE BOAT AND STOP YOUR WHINING! THERE ARE PEOPLE TO BE SAVED! THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOU! NOW, GET TO WORK!!!"

Okay, he doesn't really say it in those words but he might as well. He was so convicting. I hated him. Not really but you know what I mean. 

Honestly, Jesus knew exactly what I needed to hear and what would grow me. 

I got the message LOUD and clear. I didn't like it BUT I heard Him.

A few months ago my 13 year-old son called me out on my hypocrisy (I'll blog about it someday). It was a painful day for both of us because I'm hurting my kids by running away but God used the events of that day to speak directly to the FEAR inside of me and it made me stop long enough to ask God "what do you want me to share?"

• I believe that I was BORN to walk with those broken in the area of homosexuality.
• I believe that I was BORN to bring the hope of Jesus Christ to those TRULY seeking Him in a world where homosexuality and blatant sin against the ways of God are becoming a norm. 

LORD YOUR WILL, Not mine! LET IT BE!

Like the prophet Isaiah, I sit here and write today in BIG, BOLD LETTERS:

“Here am I! Send me.”- Isaiah 6:8

To where? I have no idea. For what? No clue BUT...  I KNOW HE IS WITH ME!!

Now that I've written this I'm praying that my WILLINGNESS will cause the fears in my heart to fade to a stronger faith and my walk with Jesus will be BOLDER. 

I want to serve Jesus unhindered and SHAME FREE!!! :)

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."- John 8:36

AMEN!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!