When Jesus hijacks your life -- LET HIM!!!

First off, I will be honest in sharing that Jesus didn't just change my plans HE KILLED'EM!! All of them!
In fact, when I asked Him which of my plans I could hold on to He said "nothing but Me."

For several years I fought against Him but I always lost and today... I'm SO glad because I didn't know how much He wanted to bless me.

Take my advice and save yourself the headache and heartache: 

LET JESUS HIJACK YOUR LIFE.

I was raised to be very analytical and so I set a lot of goals for myself. Anything that strayed from the target was quickly eradicated.
You ever meet those kids that know exactly what they want to do when they're older? That was me.

As a young girl I had literally planned out my whole life by the time I was 14.
I knew exactly what I wanted to do, how I was going to do it and even with so many odds against me, when I turned 21... I was done.

My plan was simple -- travel the world.

Of course, I never planned on meeting Jesus... 

At twenty I had accomplished the very things I had planned on since childhood and I was still miserable. 
The people who were actively in my life were good to me and I was still miserable.
I wasn't tied down to the responsibilities of kids or marriage nor did I desire it and I was still miserable. 
I had more money and materialistic crap than I've ever had or wanted and I was still miserable.
I had my own apartment (which was uncommon for first year stewardesses) but I was traveling and staying in 5-star hotels and I was still miserable. 
I could travel anywhere in the world dirt cheap but I was still miserable.

By the world's standards, my life as a young woman looked perfect.
With all the obstacles that I had broken through to get to where I was at I should have been happy but I was miserable and extremely suicidal. I already wrote about my salvation day here.


Anyways, when I first accepted Jesus into my life I had no idea what it entailed. I figured that I'd try Him out and see what happens. If I didn't like Him then I would just leave. I had nothing to lose. Right??

BOY WAS I WRONG!!

 

 But at the end of the day, I didn't care because I couldn't get away from Him. I had fallen in love with His presence. 
When I was obedient to His promptings... He was very near. 

 Likewise, when I was disobedient He stepped away and waited for me to come back to Him. I knew when He was near and when He was absent.

 

When I was told that accepting Jesus was accepting an actual PERSON into my life I didn't understand but I forged ahead anyways and I lost EVERYTHING that "I believed" was important to me.

•  The plans that I thought I wanted was exchanged for Jesus's presence, plans, and purpose for me.
• The toxic people I thought I couldn't live without has been replaced with people who are safe to entrust with my heart and that of my children.
• The shameful habits I thought I needed in order to feel fulfilled has Jesus walking with me as I seek hope and healing in community with His people.
• The isolation I thought that kept me safe but in reality was keeping me hostage has been filled with people that love me and my children.
• The marriage I never wanted gave me my very first best friend ever. He's so gracious to me it's ridiculous.
• The children I never wanted teach me EVERY SINGLE DAY about the LOVE, MERCY, and GRACE of the God that calls me His.

 

I would NEVER have imagined my life the way it is today. Never.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Remembering daddy

Repost from an old blog 7/21/2012

He was daddy.

It has been a little over a week since I last saw my dad's handsome face and I never thought that I would miss him as much as I do today. I was so young when I was taken from him.

I try to never remember too much from my childhood but watching my daughter mourn the loss of her grandfather reminded me that there was once a time when I too mourned this very same man at her age.

I normally don't regret any decisions that I willingly make in my life but choosing to not reconnect sooner with my dad and not telling him sooner how I remembered our short time together is one decision I truly regret. Especially when he was always trying to reach out to me.
Still to his very end he was asking for me and I still did not go to him even after being told that he was dying. Somewhere inside of me I did not want to mourn him again and so I stayed away.

Ever since his passing I have asked God why this man was given to me as my first "dad" and what was his purpose in my life's journey. Why him?
He could have said "no" when his eldest daughter found me and brought me to his home. But he didn't. Instead he took me in and claimed me as his. He gave me his name. 
I never questioned his love for me because I saw it in his actions. I was his... then one day... he was gone.

As a child I cried for him at night and prayed that he would come and take me back home but I was told that he no longer wanted me and I couldn't understand why. I asked myself, as any child in my situation would ask, if I did something wrong. However, I never found an answer because I think (even as a child) deep inside I knew it had to have been a lie because he was never unkind or harsh with me. I was his. There wasn't a day that went by when he wouldn't show me affection. I was loved every day in his care.

We had our own special time after school together. He would stash candies for me under his pillow and I would come home from kindergarten with my milk carton and morning biscuit. We would have our exchange of goodies and stories followed by laughter and a warm embrace. He was daddy.

But years came and years went where he was nowhere in sight and in the heart of a child, the lies of rejection became more believable.

I was eventually forced to adapt to my new environment with my new "dad" & brother, new culture and new language. I was also reminded that I was disposable as most adopted children supposedly are. The changes were very quick. I instantly went from being daddy's princess to a servant.

As a child I did not understand what had happened and questions were not allowed. Kindness was also very bare in my new home and love was not allowed. I learned to keep in line and do as I was told. Making sure to keep silent. The happy childhood I had known was as gone as my dad.

When I saw my dad several years later he greeted me with tears and asked me if I remembered him and our snack exchange. I lied and said "no" because saying yes, for me, was just a stark reminder of a child that use to cry herself to sleep.

I later learned of how he sought me out but my mother was too powerful and by the time I was found it was too late. I was no longer a little girl with a tender heart and too many years had passed and too many things had happened. I didn't know what to do other than to move on with my life.

However, as he got more sick, I did tell myself that one day I would have the courage to reminisce with him so we could laugh together again. But my shame and fear of his disapproval always won out. I no longer knew how to trust anyone.
(To this very day my emotional walls are still blocking people off (including my husband & kids) BUT GOD IS WORKING ON BREAKING THE WALLS DOWN THROUGH THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST.)

 Thank you, daddy, I'll never forget you!

An hour before my dad took his last breath I prayed in his ear and thanked him for claiming me as his own. I told him that he didn't have to take me in and he didn't have to give me his name but I think I knew why he did it... he was adopted just like me. So, I guess in a strange adopted way, we were always bonded.

I told him that I wish I was there at the hospital when he called out my name so that we could have talked when he was still able and in that moment I felt his hand on the back of my head. He heard me (reminding me of God's grace).
I then kissed him goodnight and told him to go walk with the One he believed and prayed to daily - Jesus.  

I have no doubt that my dad is walking with his Lord. He passed with peace on his face, in his own bed at home, surrounded by his family. Some would say that he had a smile on his face and I believe....he did. 

Until we meet again, daddy.

 

God, I'm a mess!

I remember the first time that God put it in my heart to start blogging my journey back in February 2012 and I was like "hell no!" because people already thought that I was weird and that the comments that I made always made waves that I never intended. Both good and bad. 
I also got more attention than I wanted. I hated it. I didn't like good attention but I really loved bad attention. I felt more deserving of it. Plus I liked fights and pissing people off. It was almost a hidden gift.

So, when God started to show me that I can do good and that I'm worthy of positive affirmation I immediately pulled away. However, because I wanted God to continue to grow me in my faith of who He was... I was willing to write. BUT only under an alias. I didn't want to be stung by the pain of acceptance or feed my rebellion on rejection. I was able to freely write my thoughts and prayers.

Eventually, over a year later, I felt a deep conviction for hiding my growing love affair with Him and decided to start this blog attached to my real name because our relationship is very real. 

However, before I closed down my alias blog I saved all my posts and decided that I would keep it for memories of my journey. 

Well, this morning one of my pastors preached a very strong message about being real with God in prayers and said to "be honest about being full of lust...". 

I immediately thought about my #1 viewed post where I shared a prayer that I truly felt like God wanted me to share openly. 

Here it is:

Title: I’m a mess but… I’m His mess. 4/7/12

 

 If you have ever felt like a mess then tell Him!

Me:  God, I’m a mess.

Hugely flawed in so many ways and yet, Lord, You still want me? What for? 
Just throw me away like the worthless trash that I am. I came to You haughty, prideful, and full of anger and yet You say “come”?
I have yelled at You and cursed Your name and still You say “come”? 
I’ve stabbed You in the back and denied You openly, mocking Your ways and yet You still say “come”? 
Father, what do You see of me that is remotely worthy of Your kingdom? 
What do I have that You see of use? NOTHING! I HAVE NOTHING! I AM NOTHING! 
I’m a disgusting human full of selfishness and lust. Yet, You still say “come”? Why??

God: Because, Surina, I LOVE YOU!

I knew you before you were ever born. I predestined your path before you ever took a step. You were made for My perfect will. I Am your Father and you are My daughter through the blood of Jesus Christ. In His blood I made  you worthy. In His blood I will make your nothing into My something. 

Surina, JUST TRUST ME!!!

Me: Father, help me then to be willing! I’m tired of trusting in my own ways and the ways of this world. I'm tired of failing to be perfect. Have Your way with me, Lord. LET YOUR WILL BE DONE!!!

_____________________________________________________________________________

This prayer was written during a time in my walk where I was doing everything right and I was walking with people that I thought were godly (the churched) and yet, internally, I felt like I was dying. 
I didn't know what was happening. I just knew that a part of me, internally, had stopped growing and was dying. I hurt.

Just today (2/14/16) I realized that God answered my prayer within in a month after this prayer was posted. 
The way He answered my prayer was not what I expected and so I put up a HUGE fight because His direction was towards a new church and a new church body. 

I loved the church body I was in and saw no reason to move but I'll have to blog later about fighting that year long losing battle. 

A month after this prayer post I followed His lead and was met with this message called: Patriarchs: The calling of Abram

Whatever was inside of me needed to hear this message because when it was time for communion I went down and dropped to my knees to cry and kiss the steps. 
I wasn't sure if that church allowed what I was doing but my body was starving for whatever I had received that I stayed there until the pastor came back out again. 

 "As the deer pants for water, so I long for you, O God.  

I thirst for God, the living God." ~ Psalm 42:1-2

Today as I sit and write this, I'm so glad I lost the battle against God in that season because I would have never seen my life the way that it is today. 

#ThankYouJesus

   

Salvation Day: Okay, Jesus, show me what You got!

"Jesus can heal you everywhere you hurt"

I'll NEVER forget those words!

The day I heard those words was just an ordinary work day. My flight arrived in Raleigh-Durham North Carolina on a sunny late-afternoon. Our team was to be there until late afternoon the next day. We had just begun the first leg of our trips and so jet lag had yet to set in.

I did my usual routine when I entered my hotel room. 

First, I would always turn on the television to a news station because I needed to know where I was at and what was happening locally. 

As the news would play in the background, I would unpack my belongings, change out of my uniform, and call up room service for a meal. 

That was my ordinary routine.

But this was NOT to be an ordinary day because when I turned on the television the screen displayed NOTHING but the blur of black and white:

Yup! Just like that...

Of course I didn't think anything of it. I just clicked the button until I could find a channel that worked and within minutes a channel appeared and I heard the words that would change my life FOREVER: "Jesus can heal you everywhere you hurt"

Now, you would think that those words would have been welcomed by someone that obviously had a lot of hurts but NOPE. My reaction was more like a "hell to the F*ck no!"  

The name of Jesus was not welcomed!!!

From the time of watching the laughable horror movie(Stigmata) to the time of standing in front of that fuzzy television screen, I had encountered enough pushy, arrogant "jesus freaks" to make me sick. 

A week prior, during a flight, I encountered a "very popular gospel group" (their words, not mine) that was shocked that I didn't know who they were because they were "famous". As a flight attendant I meet a lot of people and some were very famous but these "jesus singers" were the most obnoxious and rude passengers I had ever encountered. 

Their entitled arrogance was disgusting. I didn't want to hear nothing more about this jesus or his freakish people. I was sick of ALL of it. 

So, standing in front of the television that day and hearing the name of Jesus was not what I wanted.

I continued to try and find a different channel but that was the only channel working. I, irritatingly, called the front desk and demanded that someone fix my television or move me to a different room. The lady said that she would send up a maintenance man within 15 minutes.

After I hung up the phone, I reached for the remote to turn off the television BUT before I could, I heard a man's voice come out of this person that looked like a woman on the screen.  

Seriously, I thought that I was seeing (for the first time ever) a transvestite talking about a God. 
I was so stunned that I wanted to know MORE about this God that he was speaking of.

Well, what I thought was a "he/she" was actually a she/she with a very husky man-like voice BUT before I figured out that she was in fact a female -- it was too late -- I had received the gospel of Jesus Christ and why He came into the world.

Within those minutes she shared her testimony about sexual abuse, incest, shameful family secrets and the role her parents played. She also shared how Jesus entered her life and put her on a journey to freedom.

She then invited anyone in the audience who was ready to pray the prayer that starts "The Journey" that allows Jesus to start working. She called it "The Prayer of Salvation."

I was about to pray it BUT there was a knock at my door, it was the maintenance man. He entered and I led him to the television, handed him the remote and as he clicked the buttons... every channel worked. Every single one worked perfectly. It was so embarrassing. And I don't embarrass easily.

Feeling like an idiot, I took the remote in my hand and clicked through the channels. Seeing nothing wrong, I apologized for wasting his time and swore that I wasn't crazy.

After he left, I turned back to the channel that I had been watching and hoped that I had not missed too much but it was too late. The show was over and all I got was was the name of the speaker -- Joyce Meyer:

The short hair and husky voice really threw me off. I can't be the only one :(

Disappointed, I called my boyfriend to share what had happened and to ask if he had ever heard of Joyce Meyer or this thing called "the prayer of salvation."  

He said: Joyce Meyer? No. Prayer of salvation? Yes.  

He then explained what it was and why it was needed. I asked him if he could do it with me over the phone. He obliged. 

Before we started, I asked if there was a certain posture I was suppose to be in and he explained that it didn't matter because this prayer was a "postured matter of the heart." 

I had no idea what he was talking about but because I was raised to kneel when praying, I knelt beside the hotel bed as he guided me in praying for salvation.

Within minutes we were done and I asked him what was suppose to happen and he explained that accepting Jesus is different for everyone because it's "personal". Jesus IS a RELATIONSHIP -- NOT a RELIGION. I didn't understand.

After that day I was expecting some sort of super power to help me sleep and change my behaviors BUT that was not the case. 

I still had to drink in order to sleep and my behavior became more violent. It was like I had become worse. I was still a horrible, angry, abusive, manipulative alcoholic. 

NOTHING HAD CHANGED.... so I thought. 

Within a month, I discovered that I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. FINALLY.

And with that information, I no longer had a need for my "boyfriend". 

He became useless to the furtherance of my plans. I blogged about this earlier in choosing-to-be-mom 

Anyways, it wasn't until a whole decade later that God started to show me the significance of that salvation prayer.  

What I thought was a silly and useless prayer was actually the prayer that set me free. Jesus really had entered and started working in me and I had no idea.

I'm still a broken mess with LOTS of past garbage that God needs to continue cleaning out BUT what I have discovered is that He's willing as long as I'm willing to allow Him to continue His work. 

There is less and less garbage as I allow Him to have His way and that gives me so much hope for the future.

I don't deserve the life I have or the family I got BUT in His grace and mercy He saw something of value in me. 

I don't fully see it but I'm glad that I don't need to see it in order for Him to do with me what He wills. 

He only asks me to be OBEDIENT and TRUST Him. So, HERE I AM! 

I blog my mess and wait on Him to do whatever He needs to do with it.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."~ Jeremiah 29:11